Need some Positive Reminders

Hepatica · June 12, 2021, 02:02:55 PM

Today is my uNPDfather's birthday. I am feeling so much guilt for not even sending him a card. I went to look at cards the other day and not even one card felt remotely honest for my situation. They were so loving and supportive, best dad ever cards. I really just wanted to say Happy Birthday Dad, but there was nothing like that.

Sometimes this feels like you're set up in this way that you're d*amned if you do and d*amned if you don't. Every part of this hurts. I hope that one day I feel free and have far more better days than I do now.

moglow · June 12, 2021, 04:20:03 PM

Hepatica, I'm so sorry you're hurting, I understand it all too well. I used to buy over the top cards thinking to somehow gain mother's approval then I went with silly cards hoping for some laughter. Nothing went as I'd hoped, it was never enough. This year I'd already chosen no contact when her birthday rolled round, but I sent a text. Unacknowledged as has been every other gesture for years now. Nothing was "right" or enough, nothing reached that bottomless hole within her. I suspect you experienced some of the same, or you wouldn't be here with us now.

I'm not sure how positive this is, other than letting you know the pain is real and you're not alone. The only way out is through, abd unfortunately there's no timeline for the grief.

We're here with you, know that.

Boat Babe · June 12, 2021, 04:24:53 PM

It's Father's Day around now in the UK and, quite frankly, it makes me feel ill. Long story short, if my father was still alive, he wouldn't be getting a card from me!

Sending big, empathetic hugs Hepatica ❤️❤️❤️

Call Me Cordelia · June 15, 2021, 05:26:50 AM

I started making cards for this reason. They called me cheap. Solidarity.

all4peace · June 15, 2021, 08:16:09 AM

I hear you. It is so painful. I stopped acknowledging birthdays and Mother's Day/Father's Day in the past year. It feels like a terrible choice, but sending something also felt really fake and painful. I don't know how to get through it except to realize that 4 times per year I'm going to have some days that are more difficult and painful. I just try to grieve the losses and know it won't last too long or be too unbearable. Hugs to you, this stuff is really hard.

Hepatica · June 15, 2021, 08:55:32 AM

Thank you to each of you for giving me consolation right now. It's a hard week.

It is true that it is this time of year and the winter holidays that hurt the most. I suppose it means lots more self-care and compassion this week. I will be okay.

Sidney37 · June 15, 2021, 10:50:53 AM

Just wanted to say I was thinking about you Hepatica. I think I'm not a card sender for this reason. None of those cards at the store reflects how I feel about my parents. They just make me sad.

Sending hugs to get through this tough week.

nanotech · June 16, 2021, 05:32:15 AM

Cards given by by parents and siblings have in the past been used as a tool for my abuse. Even cards to my children have been used to get at me.
Ndad has stopped this now. I put boundaries up and I now receive fawning cards. It's almost as bad.
Cards from us are ALWAYS expected to be of the fawning variety. We are expected to maintain and reinforce the abuse, by mirroring back to them - just how 'wonderful' they are to us!
What fun!
Years of abuse, followed by further relentless coercion to deny. More than denial, we are expected to excitedly celebrate and applaud our own abuse.
One narc -favoured way to do it is to make us send them cards which tell untruths.
Ooh-
THE BEAUTIFUL CARD!

Such a manifestation of their false idealisation!
The perfect decoy tank.
Wow- the number of times I've blindly gone along and complied with all of this warped and truly damaging behaviour.

Don't ever feel guilty for a second.

In our FOOs it isn't just a card, sent with love and received with love. It really isn't.
I'm sending hugs too! XxxxX 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Fortuna · July 05, 2021, 11:31:04 AM

I feel that. I had to resort to blank cards and just write happy birthday or happy mother's day inside.

Blueberry Pancakes · July 13, 2021, 10:19:54 AM

Well, I think *amned if you do, *amned if you don't about sums up the card sending or perhaps any way we may acknowledge a significant date for those in our FOO. I am so sorry.

I believe it is painful to consider how to address this when nothing really feels right. If we do one thing with the underlying motivator to be making others "happy" (or to avoid a smear campaign), that doesn't seem to be so good. If we do nothing at all, that might send a message we don't want either.

I used to always send cards. I felt relieved putting it in the mail, then felt like I acknowledged the date without having to interact. With my dad in particular though, I realized he was always still angry at me. No beautiful card ever registered with him. During our most recent phone call, he swore at me. A couple weeks later it was Father's Day. I had such a heavy heart. I looked at cards, but nothing was right. Stuck in indecision, I did nothing at all to acknowledge Father's Day this year for the first time in my life. I guess I just got tired.

I think it is alright to do whatever you feel in the moment. It does not have to become the new way. It can just be for this one occasion for now.