Hi!

[Billy Mountain]

Hi!
I found this forum last fall and have been lurking ever since. It's a relief to feel like I'm not alone. At several points I thought I was going nuts trying to make sense of everything. Still might be going nuts, but at least I know what to look for, lol.

I've been married to an uBPDw for over 15 years. We have 2 amazing elementary age kids with a clear GC and SG. We separated briefly last fall and went to marriage counseling. Not going anymore, go figure. She didn't like the therapist and didn't feel like it was worth it. During that break I saw a therapist and found this site.

After the kids were born my wife had some really bad postpartum issues. OCD, unrealistic fears of unseen things, fear of various bugs infesting the house, constant fear of bedding and clothes touching the floor in case they became contaminated, to name a few. It was genuinely rough on her. Throughout this she starts talking about suicide as way to make it all stop. I convince her to see a therapist. She goes through a few therapists until she found one she was comfortable with. The one she liked is very woo woo, with raki, etc. Not very clinical but it has helped her a lot. They have made some really good progress and the anxiety/ fear has almost entirely disappeared. BPD behaviors are still there though.

Last fall when we separated I started seeing my own therapist because I wasn't sure what to make of the relationship. Was I the one to blame for everything? Pretty big step for me, 'cause what guy wants to admit he's in an abusive relationship. I did a lot of online research and thought she might be a narcissist, but some of the stuff didn't fit. And how much can you really believe the internet, right? The therapist I chose worked on abusive relationships and seemed to fit what I needed. If nothing else, I thought she'd be able to tell me if I needed to suck it up and deal with it or if my concerns were genuine. She (the therapist) is the one that pointed me towards BPD and had me read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'. Eye opening to say the least. During couples therapy our counselor asked who I was seeing for therapy and I told her. Up to that point I had been avoiding telling my wife who I was seeing. I knew she'd look her up and take offense to me going to a therapist specializing in emotional abuse. Sure enough, my wife looked her up and freaked out. She accused me of picking her because of her photo, why would I choose a girl, I was lying to her and being shady. It turned into a 'deal breaker' if I continued to see that therapist. So what did I do? Stopped seeing the therapist.

Marriage counseling is no longer happening and now my wife is 'putting herself first' by putting us/me last. She has found a new group of friends she works with, which on the surface seems healthy. However, she has started going out one night a week and closing down the bar. The rational is she has to put herself first, and it's one night a week. Tonight she got home at 4am and the bar closes at 2. I'll post about that shortly.  We're probably in the discard phase. But who knows, there's still some love bombing going on occasionally. I have an appointment for a new therapist lined up in two weeks. I don't have any friends to talk with, so it's you all and my new therapist. I appreciate the support in advance! Even if I haven't posted anything yet, hearing all the stories and reading all the support you all have given each other has given me hope and some much needed perspective.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Billy,

Welcome to Out of the FOG and certainly, as you stated, you are among good company and many here with very similar stories.  Thank you for bringing us up to speed on where along the trail you are.  Most of us here are located along stages of the same trail.  Some discover their situation early and remain or get off the trail and others, like myself, discover later having walked the trail for decades and either keep hiking or find a near exit.  To-each-his-own on the hike and decisions along the way, as we each support each other as best possible along the journeys. 

I'm sorry you are experiencing what you are, but very glad to hear you are educating yourself well and that you understand the idealization, devaluation and discard cycle.  As with all new folks here, I point you to the toolbox section here at Out of the FOG and will highly recommend you learning, understanding and practicing proper boundaries (controlling your own actions/reactions) that you use to protect yourself (not attempting to control the actions/reactions of another human), MC= Medium Chill, noJADE, the 51% rule (to care for yourself) and also the 50% rule (to keep you properly balanced).   

I look forward to reading and interacting with you along the trail and again, welcome to the hike. 

SoT