Father's Day message for EnD?

[frogjumpsout]

Hi everyone,

First, sorry about the reminder of the approach of this stupid holiday! It's happening in a week in the US and I'm at a loss as to whether to send a simple message or not.

To summarize my situation, I went NC with NM (informing her briefly) last September. I experimented with having communication with EnD, but he was just being a flying monkey the entire time (even using my message of condolence for his brother's passing to send a guilt-ing letter.) And it was getting too stressful to field both of their messages, so I blocked him as well as NM on everything but the home land line.

EnD was never that great a father but he wasn't as malicious as NM. Some pros and cons of his parenting include:
* Interesting re-tellings of sci-fi plots
* Squashing my self-esteem whenever it seemed too high for his comfort
* Not being overtly jealous of my accomplishments and occasionally talking them up
* Sending me a letter about how I'd failed them on my 40th birthday
* Not protecting me against harm, and instead encouraging me to "make nice" with the harmers
* Rewriting the past to make himself a hero and NM benign and victim-y
* Not listening to me -- like, ever.

So, as I read this, I would not call him a great dad. But I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily. On the third hand, I've heard people on this board suggest that initiating any contact after stopping communication is confusing the signals and giving false hope. I guess I feel a little guilty for not having been direct with him, as I was with my mother. But the times I've tried to diplomatically talk about a disruption of trust or other issue with him, he's gone on the total attack and said awful things.

Thanks for reading! Any advice or similar experiences appreciated!

[Bothar]

Father's day is coming up in my country too very soon.  My Dad is the narcissistic parent ... my mother was enabling but she has passed on.  I won't be sending a card.  Your list about your Dad is very concise.... you've obviously given this a lot of thought, while trying to cut him some slack too which is to your credit.  On your list ...... Squashing my self-esteem whenever it seemed too high for his comfort .... rings a bell with me.  Both my parents did that to me and my siblings.  When you grow up and look back, that can be soul destroying because you can see all the lost opportunities.  I would love to be 'able' to send a card to my NF, but I just can't open that door.  He would take it as 'success' and that 'I've come to my senses' and would continue being exactly the same.  I wish him well.... when I'm not in one of my funks.  But no card.  I hope you come to a resolution that satisfies you.  Its hard and I send you a big hug

[Sidney37]

When I was VLC with enD and NC with NPDm this was such a struggle for me.  I worried about contacting just him on holidays.  I understand what you are going through.  We aren't card senders in my family.  We make calls or visit.  I couldn't bring myself to contact him on holidays while NC with her.  In my case I knew he would try to guilt me or trick me into talking to her.  It's so hard and I'm sorry you are going through this.

[wisingup]

I would love to be 'able' to send a card to my NF, but I just can't open that door.  He would take it as 'success' and that 'I've come to my senses' and would continue being exactly the same.

I think this is an important point Bothar - I have felt duty bound to send my mom birthday cards & gifts on her birthday, but I think she immediately takes that as evidence as everything is fine now & we're all back to normal.  I keep doing it because I know how important it is to her, but it really does send the wrong message (or they interpret it incorrectly).

[Sidney37]

 

I try often to remind myself of learning theory and positive reinforcement schedules when considerIng what to do after LC or NC.  Intermittent (inconsistent) reinforcement schedules will strengthen the behavior more than constant reinforcement.  Calling him or sending cards occasionally is going to reinforce him more than calling or sending a card every time.  He might take that as hope that things are better and success. 

[moglow]

My mothers day text to mommie dearest was along the lines of "thinking of you today, wishing things had been different between us." Brief, honest and to the point. I wasn't about to send some fake kissass b.s. neither of us would swallow. I nodded at the day and left it at that - things aren't (and not likely to get) better, I do wish it were different, and I refuse to pretend anymore. Years past I did pretend, and only beat myself up after for presumably giving her hope. And I STILL was found wanting, I didnt do\say the right thing, what she wanted or expected.

Do what's right for YOU. I suspect like the rest of us, you may be condemned later regardless.

[frogjumpsout]

Thanks very much, Bothar, Sidney, wisingup, and moglow, for your very compassionate and understanding responses!! Not sure whether this makes a difference, but I would continue to block after sending a message. Ugh, but I would probably feel obliged to have someone read any messages sent right after mine. . . moglow, I love the way you phrased yours, btw.

[wisingup]

Moglow - I like that phrasing too.  It accomplishes both objectives - recognizing the day while establishing that we are still "on the outs".

[frogjumpsout]

Thanks, wisingup and everyone! I've written a similar message to moglow's and set it to send on the day.