They’re all disordered!

[Justme729]

What the....?

I used to think my dad and his mom just had a very close relationship.   But now I'm seeing just how dysfunctional my dad is....and where some of my issues and coping strategies are coming into play. 

He can't tell his mom no.   She can't accept we have plans that do not involve her.  My brother is mentally ill.   They said when we were kids he was autistic. PPD-NOS with paranoia.   Basically early onset schizophrenia maybe?   He got fired from his job (my dad couldn't protect him any longer- he worked at my dad's company).  Instead of actually putting his foot down and getting my brother help they just tip toe around him and worry he is suicidal.  My dad said instead of dealing with the issues, he is going to take an early retirement because he can't believe what the company did to my brother.   Well, he (unfortunately) deserved what he got.   He could take FMLA if he accepted his mental
Health issues.   

Anyways, I just want to disown them all.  They're all so disordered.   I pray daily that my children will see that even though I struggle with my own issues I have gotten help along the way.   I hope they won't have the same issues.   I am going to spend the rest of my trip watching out for my brother (when he is like this he gets violent) and avoiding my dad/grandma.

[athene1399]

Wow, just me. This sounds like a lot. How have you been feeling since noticing this about your dad and his mom? Often we kind of assume growing up that our family dynamics are normal until we meet others or see how other families operate. Sometimes after realizing the dysfunction it can be overwhelming.

[Justme729]

Wow, just me. This sounds like a lot. How have you been feeling since noticing this about your dad and his mom? Often we kind of assume growing up that our family dynamics are normal until we meet others or see how other families operate. Sometimes after realizing the dysfunction it can be overwhelming.

I've known it was dysfunctional, but not to this level.  I just don't want to be apart of it anymore.   My boundaries need to go up and not sure what they need to be.   I stayed clear of them yesterday because I just didn't know what to say or do.  I just felt very disturbed. 

I also had a heartbreaking conversation with my oldest daughter.   Relationship with her sister and some feelings she's been having.   So I just feel a hot mess.   Like I'm repeating history. Idk. 

[Leonor]

Hi Justme,

Yes, it's frightening when the fog clears and it's almost as if you can see into this painful past that isn't really passed at all. But that's where the healing can begin, in the clarity.

I think it's a good thing that your daughter shared painful information with you and you were able to hear her and feel that pain.

You know, I don't think that "breaking the cycle" means realizing that you were abused and fixing yourself once a week or so in therapy and meanwhile everything else around you is totally perfect. If it were only that easy!

I think it's going through what you are right now, to take in the totality of it: past, present and potentially future, and see where it comes from and how it shaped you, and then see how it shaped how you partner and parent today. To be aware, to listen, to learn, to care and then to offer your empathy and apology but also commitment: to answer questions, to explore possibilities, to sit and hold uncomfortable truths. And to persist in growing.

Recovery is messy. Healing is awkward and painful and human. It's not pretty or perfect or heroic.

You're doing it, right now. You are breaking the cycle.

[athene1399]

I agree with Leonor. It sounds to me like you are taking steps to break the cycle. May be brainstorm what you want your boundaries to look like and read over the toolbox to get an idea of ways to enforce them.

[Justme729]

Hi Justme,

Yes, it's frightening when the fog clears and it's almost as if you can see into this painful past that isn't really passed at all. But that's where the healing can begin, in the clarity.

I think it's a good thing that your daughter shared painful information with you and you were able to hear her and feel that pain.

You know, I don't think that "breaking the cycle" means realizing that you were abused and fixing yourself once a week or so in therapy and meanwhile everything else around you is totally perfect. If it were only that easy!

I think it's going through what you are right now, to take in the totality of it: past, present and potentially future, and see where it comes from and how it shaped you, and then see how it shaped how you partner and parent today. To be aware, to listen, to learn, to care and then to offer your empathy and apology but also commitment: to answer questions, to explore possibilities, to sit and hold uncomfortable truths. And to persist in growing.

Recovery is messy. Healing is awkward and painful and human. It's not pretty or perfect or heroic.

You're doing it, right now. You are breaking the cycle.

That's exactly how I define breaking the cycle.  Realizing all of us kids were just pawns to hurt someone else.   There was no love, just one upping someone else.   My husband said he feels like such an outsider.    He was a little drunk (open bar at a family event).   He said he has worked his "butt" off to take car of me and our children.   Yet, he gets no respect.   He gets ignored and tossed aside when someone with more money comes through.  My cousin's and their significant others are put on a this pedestal.   I used to think it was because I didn't live local. Over the years it just doesn't matter.  My husband has worked his butt off.   He is a great husband, father, and provider.   My daughter told me it is so stressful when we visit up here because nobody can get along.  They just bicker.   They can't just exist. 

Idk I'm just rambling.  It's exhausting.  It hurts.   I asked/told my husband that I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling like that little girl who went through hell and has to prove myself worthy.  I'm tired of fighting that fight.   I know I am worth it.   I know my family of choice is amazing.   I know that we are accomplishing great things.   I know I've been in the trenches.   I know that we won't continue the dysfunction. 

[ArtLover]

For me it turned out to be the whole extended family either too scared to stop enabling/brainwashed/covert narcs themselves on top of the main nuclear family narc-sociopath parent combo of bullies to the whole rest of the family. The whole tree is often rotten down to every last branch.