Pressure is o n

[lightworld]

Since being 'imprisoned ' as he calls it, in a nursing home, NF's weapon of choice to get his own way, has been to rage at and abuse everyone in sight. Then when the consequence of his behaviour catch up with him and he still doesn't get what he wants, he takes to his bed and refuses to eat or take his medication and  sometimes even threatens suicide. Usually this makes everyone rush to his side and try to fix his problems and reassure him he can stay at the NH, which is of course the idea.

This time it's different, I'm NC  and B is the only one left in contact with F.  The doctor seems to be calling his bluff after many episodes like this.  F realised again that he's gone too far with his abuse of staff and residents so he's gone to bed and putting on the poor me act again,so that nobody can hold him to account.

He tells doctor that he can't swallow, doctor says OK I can't force you to eat or take your pills. F refuses tube feeding, he says he's in excruciating pain (not specific as to where) so doctor gives him pain relief intravenously.

Last week I got a call from B in a panic, F is at death's door, we've all got to go he's not going to make it through the night. I struggled with myself and thought maybe this time it's real. Even though F rallied and started eating again doctor says he doesn't have long. B is busy phoning all the relatives who have  been driven away by F's appalling behaviour. Despite all the good it has done me cutting myself off from F I'm now struggling with the decision on whether to go and see him on his death bed.

My good friend was very badly abused by her F, she is an only child and she looked after her vile and brutal father while he was dying, she says "well you have to don't you if you're a kind person like us you can't bear to see anyone suffer, even though they don't give a damn about us". To be fair B is being careful not to apply direct pressure on me to go and see F but I know he thinks  that I am not supporting him.

I'm so conflicted on this I feel social and familial pressure to see F one more time but my instinct is to run the other way.

[moglow]

Lightworld, you can absolutely support your brother and still not be at F's bedside 24/7. You can't fix this and you being there won't lessen f's suffering. Unfortunately we really to reap what we sow. Trying to gather everyone round for a last hurrah? Let them know and let it go. Neither of you are responsible for the family's choices, or each other's for that matter.

Nothing will change if you choose to not see F one last time - and nothing will change if you do. That's your personal business and only you know how it makes you feel. If you want to choose a quiet moment alone, do that. If not, don't. Don't accept other people's guilt. They aren't you. Chances are they understand more than you realize anyway.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think moglow laid it out perfectly, and I'd like to add something. The loss of a parent - even one you're estranged from - is probably going to be a very emotional experience. Don't forget to consider your needs and your self-care in this time. You're going to feel a lot of pressure from family and friends because they think you need to put on the "dutiful child" act and be at his bedside. But remember that you can be sorry about someone's death without being there to witness it. And anyone who judges you for handling this difficult time the best way FOR YOU doesn't have your best interest at heart.

[moglow]

One thing has stuck with me that my brother shared years ago about other people's pressure for my supposed maternal/familial "obligations"- when was she ever there when you needed her? Did she ever step up and stand in your corner with you, defend you when she could have? No? Then why does she get any day now?

[lightworld]

Thanks Moglow and Cat. I feel like I need to be true to myself based on the reality of my relationship with F rather than being swayed by other people's sentimentality.  I definitely feel stronger now I've mulled it over and faced it and your comments have helped me enormous!y.

It's difficult, I know he's suffering and I'm sorry for that but he's getting in what might be his final emotional blackmail by telling B to tell me he loves me.  My response to that is actions speak louder than words, but still it got to me.

[moglow]

If it helps at all, my mother recently said (and has told my brothers) that she "loves all her children, doesn't love what they do." Um okay. She doesn't have to agree with us on everything but damned if I understand her interpretation of "love." I've seen no empathy, compassion, interest, kindness, etc - qualities that might indicate love for others - in ... Quite some time actually. It's a word she mouths but has no understanding of. If *that* is her idea of love, it does explain a lot. When you get right down to it, she "doesn't love what we do" anytime it's not countered around and catering to her.

[Fiasco]

My good friend was very badly abused by her F, she is an only child and she looked after her vile and brutal father while he was dying, she says "well you have to don't you if you're a kind person like us you can't bear to see anyone suffer, even though they don't give a damn about us".

To be fair B is being careful not to apply direct pressure on me to go and see F but I know he thinks  that I am not supporting him. I'm so conflicted on this I feel social and familial pressure to see F one more time but my instinct is to run the other way.

I won't dismiss your friend out of hand as you've described her as a very good friend, but you're two different people in two different situations. She felt that she could do something about her dad's suffering, and good for her for trying. But I'm not hearing anything from you about how you can do anything about your F, his suffering or his dying. Presumably one is being managed as best it can be, and the other is inevitable.

Now supporting your brother is another matter entirely. You can be direct with him and say rushing to dad's side isn't going to do anything for him or for me, but I care about you (brother) and what can I do for you? And repeat as necessary to reiterate you care for your brother and want to encourage and support him.

All of this would be awful even if you all got along great, so don't go thinking you're somehow making any of it worse. Best wishes for you and your brother.