Red flags? Your thoughts.

[1footouttadefog]

I met a women at the park a while back. We chatted and have come common I terests. She is new to the area. We discussed where she could find hobby related items etc.  We exchanged numbers.

We texted here and there and eventually met for lunch anmfter which she dropped by my house to see my hobby related efforts and items.  At lunch she sort of deliberated at some aspect of Payment so I paid.  I saw this as a red flag.

I later went to her house to help set up a herb grinder.  She texted and said be sure to bring some stuff to run through it.  It took this to mean she wanted me to have an opportunity to use her new machine to my benifit.  I was a bit surprised she had nothing on hand to process of her own, despite having
a  garden etc.  I we processed what I brought and gave the machine a good testing out. I had a box of zip locks and left some of each for here.

Lasy week I got a text sayi g the next day was her birthday.  Due to the two previous experiences I did not bite immediately.  Later she texted back that she was thinking about lunch the next day with a couple of few people would I like to come.  I replied yes.

She had explained that her kid was delayed in leaving a far away state to drive home and they would be celebrating the bday a day later so she decided to go out for lunch with friends.

I met for lunch.  We ate and when I was time to pay, I knew she was not going to offer to pay,  However she sort of looked around the table as if to see if someone was going to offer.  A fellow did so I gave him a twenty which covered mine and my tip and about half of hers. 

I enjoy chatting with this woman but feel she is a bit selfish and cheap.  If we go out again I will ask for separate checks before ordering. 

Is this a good way to handle it and get the message across or are there better ideas.

[BefuddledClarity]

If you enjoy her company but not her behaviour, I would question her about it. I had a friend I liked to hangout with, but when we started hanging out, she'd bring her jealous BF who's 20years her senior everywhere, it was awkward. Then, she mentioned SHE wanted a "girl's night" or whatever, and she said she was going to invite her sister---but nope, it was her BF AGAIN. So, I pretty much told her how I felt and didn't want to be bothered again.

I would tell new friend you can't afford to pay for her meal each time,  or maybe be cheeky and say "I paid last time, you got me this time?" And see how she reacts.

Definitely selfish to assume people will ALWAYS pay or be allowed to use your things when they can use your own.


My rule is, if you invite, you pay. If she invites, she pays. (Though, I always pay for myself, however, if I invite someone, then I pay for them as courtesy).

[Andeza]

Hmm, potential red flag, although possible it's just bad social skills in one area. I think befuddled is right about the cheeky response, but that fits my personality. If she really is off in some way, I'd be almost willing to bet money she would never invite you to lunch again after that! But only if she really, truly is knowingly taking advantage.

[clara]

Some people are really good at trying to get others to pay their way, or do things for them, or give them something.  All of your examples indicate she might have this behavior.  Equivocating over paying for lunch the first time you go out together?  Check.  Buying a grinder and then providing nothing to grind but happily taking what you brought over? Check.  Scheduling a birthday lunch for herself after her birthday with some excuse why, then expecting her friends to pay?  Check. 

Personally, I would keep a friend like this at arms length until I got to know her better rather than get enmeshed too quickly then possibly having to find ways to  extricate myself.   

And I don't think it's at all problematic for you to tell waitstaff that it's separate checks.  If you did this and she took offense--another check.

[1footouttadefog]

It was on her birthday but last minute because her daughter had been delayed in traveling and they were to celebrate next day.

That part does not matter.

If I invited people to lunch I would be prepared to pay or would establish that we would all pay our own check.  In reality I would pay and even say my treat at the invite.

To make others more comfortable I would  use a gift card to pay if I had one for that location.

My od has always been over generous to get narc supply so this is the opposite and I can wonder if my perception of whats normal is skewed or not.  For this reason I give the benifit of the doubt a time or two and look for trends. 

This woman seems to have a trend.  I will ask for a separate check upfront next time and see what happens.  And yes no jumping in or being enmeshed.