Physical reaction to PD parent

[sambellscoup]

I used to get constant pain in my chest as long as I was stuck in my parents' house at holidays etc. I stopped going "home" for the holidays and all hell broke loose, but honestly, the cruel and overdramatic reactions I got felt less painful than the very real, constant pain in my chest I would have had for a solid week stuck with my N mother so it simply made sense to go with the lesser of two evils and not go there.

[NativeAD]

Same for me, I don t feel safe when I visit my parent 's home for the holiday. My father is the abuser and my mum has become the enabler, she used to be a good caring mum but I think life events, bad luck and specially the relationship with my PD father has had an incredibly negative impact on her over the last few years. The relationship has been on a negative spiral for years, I dread going to their home, I feel so unsafe. Will my father touch me in an inappropiate way again? Will my sister and father start triangulating at the dinner table against me in a very damaging, painful way? Will my mum enable their abuse again? Will my brother shut down again and say there is nothing wrong with it?

It's been a few years now with very low contact but I still get triggered sometimes remembering those feelings, those fights, my father's looks and eyes. I feel terribly unsafe, they don't respect any boundaries, they blame me for everything that has gone wrong with their lives, they blame me for being who I am, for being the way I am. They hate everyone, they don't have friends, they don't like their extended family, they look so frustrated with life. My father's looks of contempt when we are hurting, the way he hits and physically abuses our pets. Those memories from every visit to their house stay forever. My sister's rage, my mum's rage, my brother's deactivation, my father's abuse, such a toxic family system, it has gone so terribly wrong in a few years.

I had to set strong boundaries and blocked my father, mother and sister on the phone and email as they kept sending me random emails which did not make any sense, I felt so unsafe, so attacked, so disrespected, exhausted while they tried to gaslight me.

The relationship with them has not changed at all, communication does not work, therapy according to my mum does not work. She suffers from depression, panick attacks and sometimes she gets suicide thoughts. I tried to help them for so long until I reached the point many times of "them versus me". Either I save my life and my mental health or I accept to go into the downward spiral with them. So many times I felt like the house was in flames, I was trying to pull them out (from the abuse) and they just kept hurting me, wanting us to stay inside. At some point the only healthy option is to walk away.

Setting strong physical, emotional and mental boundaries is key.