Very Difficult Situation - All Suggestions Welcome

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Hi all,

I am new here. I'm so glad to have found all of you, but very sorry for the circumstances in which we've met. I hate to know that there are other people out there experiencing this.

My husband is not a good person. It has taken me 7 years to wake up and realize this. Recently, he has been almost completely out of my life. He was doing some illegal activities , which he used as an excuse to leave our home. However, during that time he found a girlfriend and moved in with her. It's been a peaceful two months! In that time, I've come to reflect on our situation and realize that he is very sick, and he is very emotionally abusive.

I suspect that he has some form of sociopathy, possibly narcissism or psychopathy. The terms aren't too important. What is important is I want to extricate myself from the situation, as well as my small child. However, there is a huge issue. I am living in his country.

This is an issue because you can't just take a child and flee across borders. This is very illegal without a consent form from the parent who isn't with you. I can't just take our young child on a plane across the world and show up in my country no questions asked. My husband is well aware I need a consent form to leave him, this, I am stuck in this never ending situation where all I want to do is flee, but I can't and he, as usual, has all of the control. In addition, in cases where abused people have fled their spouses like this, the kids are often returned to the abusive parents due to the child's "habitual residence" being in the country where the abuser lives, because the person being abused did not leave and stayed in the country of the abuser trying to get help.

I know this is not really OK, but I am trying to get him to go back to my country with me, as I truly see this as the only way I am going to myself and our child away from him. His family also hope he will return with me because they don't believe he can change to be a good person in his country, and that he will be better in mine. I don't think so, but that doesn't really matter as all I care about is getting out of here. I would do almost anything to get our child away from him.

The deck is really stacked against me in his country. For a start, being a foreigner, it is not easy to get child custody. In this country, though they recognize emotional abuse, I have read many cases, and spoken to many foreigners who lost custody of their children here because courts felt the abuse wasn't physical, so it wasn't of consequence. When the foreign spouse does get custody of the child, they usually need to sign orders saying the child can't leave the country. The courts also tend to favor the people who have a full family circle in the country and have people other than the parent who can take care of the child to maintain the child's culture. I feel so hopeless. I feel like staying in this country, I have little hope of keeping my child. I want to make it very clear, I am not planning to kidnap our child. I will stay here and fight for our child if necessary, but I would prefer to be in the safe space of my own country.

Below are some issues/questions I need help with.

Has anyone had this experience? If so, what did you do?

He is now coming around more often and having to be in his presence is ramping my anxiety up big time. How do I control this?

Even if I were to divorce him in this country, he is not violent. He does scream, but I live with his family, so he no longer throws things and hardly screams as he is around them. He screams at our child as well, which his family has seen, but obviously would never say in a court, because they are on his side. Everyone is telling me to record his behaviors for court, but at present, there are really no behaviors to record. What should I do?

How do I pretend to be OK around him when I really am not OK?

Just generally, do any of you ever get inside your head and feel like you are the crazy one due to your reactions to the things your SO has done? For example, my husband wouldn't come home until like 2-3 in the am, then I would yell at him for that. Now thinking back, I'm ashamed of my behavior and feel like maybe I have caused a lot of the issues in our marriage. At the same time, I know that isn't true, but I always feel like I'm being dramatic for declaring that I have boundaries. I just feel at this point like a mess of emotions.

Thank you!

[SonofThunder]

Hello Justanotherlostgirl,

First, welcome to Out of the FOG and I look forward to reading your input here on the forum, as well, I know you will obtain plenty of emotional support here and hopefully some wives/mothers will relate to your situation and share some valuable insight. 

I am so sorry you and your child are experiencing those difficult, abusive behaviors from your husband and are in a difficult situation in another country, and I hope you are eventually able to permanently depart with your child to be in your home country and with your family. 

With regard to what you wrote:  " How do I pretend to be OK around him when I really am not OK?"  The Out of the FOG toolbox tab (at the top of this page) is a great place to dive in and read/learn about ways to identify what you are experiencing and the proven methods/tools to begin to remove yourself emotionally from the drama he creates and better protect yourself.   I recommend you start at the toolbox tab. 

Although I have no experiences that are helpful to your specific situation in another country, there is one statement you made, which not only concerns me, but may be worth consideration.  You wrote " Recently, he has been almost completely out of my life. He was doing some illegal activities , which he used as an excuse to leave our home. However, during that time he found a girlfriend and moved in with her. "

I will presume that both of those issues (his illegal activity and extramarital affair) are known to only a very select few persons.  In the country in which you now live, are either of those activities, court-legal grounds for a protective restraining order for both you and your child, and/or divorce?  Are they also a legal reason (in the courts of the country you currently reside) you may utilize to extradite both yourself and your child (not him) to your home country, in order to protect yourself and your child from him and his illegal activities (both activities) and any security/health risks he is putting on you and your child by his illegal activity and sexual activity (potential disease spread to you)? 

I wish you the best as you move forward,

SoT

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Hello Justanotherlostgirl,

First, welcome to Out of the FOG and I look forward to reading your input here on the forum, as well, I know you will obtain plenty of emotional support here and hopefully some wives/mothers will relate to your situation and share some valuable insight. 

I am so sorry you and your child are experiencing those difficult, abusive behaviors from your husband and are in a difficult situation in another country, and I hope you are eventually able to permanently depart with your child to be in your home country and with your family. 

With regard to what you wrote:  " How do I pretend to be OK around him when I really am not OK?"  The Out of the FOG toolbox tab (at the top of this page) is a great place to dive in and read/learn about ways to identify what you are experiencing and the proven methods/tools to begin to remove yourself emotionally from the drama he creates and better protect yourself.   I recommend you start at the toolbox tab. 

Although I have no experiences that are helpful to your specific situation in another country, there is one statement you made, which not only concerns me, but may be worth consideration.  You wrote " Recently, he has been almost completely out of my life. He was doing some illegal activities , which he used as an excuse to leave our home. However, during that time he found a girlfriend and moved in with her. "

I will presume that both of those issues (his illegal activity and extramarital affair) are known to only a very select few persons.  In the country in which you now live, are either of those activities, court-legal grounds for a protective restraining order for both you and your child, and/or divorce?  Are they also a legal reason (in the courts of the country you currently reside) you may utilize to extradite both yourself and your child (not him) to your home country, in order to protect yourself and your child from him and his illegal activities (both activities) and any security/health risks he is putting on you and your child by his illegal activity and sexual activity (potential disease spread to you)? 

I wish you the best as you move forward,

SoT

Hi sonofthunder,

Thank you for your warm welcome! I've been exploring the toolbar and looking at some ways to help myself. The issue is I don't want him to know that I know, because I'm scared he will fly off the deep end of I confront him. I still see many resources that would be helpful. This is a really great place 

I don't know what/who exactly I am dealing with here. It is so strange to be with someone for 7 years and suddenly realize that they have been having a full other life behind your back. This affair isn't the first time, there have been many which I've found out about, along with a lot of illegal things. I am sure what he has told me about is just the small tip of a very big iceberg. I am very worried about my child being around him. He is extremely irresponsible! He has had people who have extensive criminal records babysitting our child and I had no idea, for example. I am torn because my child is young and this is still his father, and I do hope they can have a relationship, but my husband seems not to care about either of us honestly. I do believe that him not wanting to sign the consent form is more about me - he seems to have little care for his child and can only stand to be around him in small doses.

I am contacting a lawyer and hopefully they will be able to tell me. From what I understand the cheating is only grounds for divorce. The illegal activity will HOPEFULLY be helpful for me, as I have some proof, but I am really unsure. This country really seems to not like foreigners having custody of children. Family units are very important.

Thank you for your advice! I very much appreciate it.

[SonofThunder]

Justanotherlostgirl,

I wish you the best in speaking with your attorney.  You wrote:  "I am very worried about my child being around him. He is extremely irresponsible! He has had people who have extensive criminal records babysitting our child and I had no idea, for example. I am torn because my child is young and this is still his father, and I do hope they can have a relationship..."

In my opinion, just because a person is a biological parent, does not mean that there is some benefit in an attempted 'relationship' with a biological child.  In fact, a relationship with the kind of person you describe, may indeed be a most harmful thing for your child, and that the best decision for your child may actually be to keep your child AWAY from this kind of person.  Especially now that you understand he has left your child in the hands of criminals.

Also, being a 'sperm donor' does not make one a dad; a father, but simply a 'sperm donor'.  The activity/decisions you describe is not in the descriptions of a dad/father.  Having a legal 'marriage' to a man does not make one a husband/partner and infidelity imo, nullifies the legal part as well. 

Therefore i'm simply separating out the contradiction in your writing so you may consider, in your decision making, what is truly BEST for your child and for you.  Again i wish you the best in long-term protection of you and your child.

SoT

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Justanotherlostgirl,

I wish you the best in speaking with your attorney.  You wrote:  "I am very worried about my child being around him. He is extremely irresponsible! He has had people who have extensive criminal records babysitting our child and I had no idea, for example. I am torn because my child is young and this is still his father, and I do hope they can have a relationship..."

In my opinion, just because a person is a biological parent, does not mean that there is some benefit in an attempted 'relationship' with a biological child.  In fact, a relationship with the kind of person you describe, may indeed be a most harmful thing for your child, and that the best decision for your child may actually be to keep your child AWAY from this kind of person.  Especially now that you understand he has left your child in the hands of criminals.

Also, being a 'sperm donor' does not make one a dad; a father, but simply a 'sperm donor'.  The activity/decisions you describe is not in the descriptions of a dad/father.  Having a legal 'marriage' to a man does not make one a husband/partner and infidelity imo, nullifies the legal part as well. 

Therefore i'm simply separating out the contradiction in your writing so you may consider, in your decision making, what is truly BEST for your child and for you.  Again i wish you the best in long-term protection of you and your child.

SoT

SoT,

Thank you for putting things into perspective. I sometimes feel bad for thinking that way - that my child should not have his dad in his life. I believe that most people would agree that what he is doing is dangerous and that it puts my son at risk. I also have those thoughts and feelings and I do struggle and go back and forth with it in my mind, sometimes seeing it as an excuse on my part for wanting to leave. As he has been away, I do see that being in this toxic environment has also distorted my reality. Something which I would never have accepted before now seems so normal. I struggle a lot internally with the cognitive dissonance of society saying two parents are better, and a complete home is better, while at the same time believing that this man is truly not a good person and someone who should be around a child.

My therapist has recommended that I have my son evaluated. My first thought always is my child and what lasting scars this is going to leave him with. This is why I do appreciate you saying what you said. It gives validity to the thoughts I have, but am often afraid to say out loud, or think are wrong, even though I know I should trust those thoughts.  I love this forum! Thank you so much.

[SonofThunder]

Justanotherlostgirl,

I fully understand the difficulty of these situations and the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that exists when physically and emotionally intertwined with abusers.  This website and forum is indeed a great help in coming 'Out of the FOG' (Out of the FOG).  You and your child being away from this abusive, dangerous and careless man is allowing the FOG to lift and you to see more clearly.   

You wrote:

"As he has been away, I do see that being in this toxic environment has also distorted my reality. Something which I would never have accepted before now seems so normal. I struggle a lot internally with the cognitive dissonance of society saying two parents are better, and a complete home is better, while at the same time believing that this man is truly not a good person and someone who should be around a child."

Yes!  I 100% agree with that paragraph.  It's easy, in a quick look at my profile and posts to read I am a man of faith.  This thread is not located on the religious forum section, but I will simply and briefly state that although I believe that God designed the nuclear family to be a 2-parent design, with the balanced values and attributes (mirroring Gods attributes) of male and female, I do not believe it supersedes the necessity of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health and freedom of your child and also for yourself.  Therefore, your last sentence of that paragraph "....believing that this man is truly not a good person and someone who should be around a child." is so very true and imo, the right thing to do to remove your child permanently from this man's influence and potential emotional and physical harm and purposefully not allow any relationship, for the child's protection. 

From what you describe, this man is just the opposite of what should be around your child, and luckily, your child has YOU!   A strong, determined, energetic, thoughtful, caring, loving, sacrificing, concerned mother, who realizes this non-adult, helpless child is relying fully on you for protection, care, health and development. 

You also wrote: "My therapist has recommended that I have my son evaluated. My first thought always is my child and what lasting scars this is going to leave him with."   

I'm not certain regarding the age of your child, but as you well know, the earlier formative years are SO very important and therefore the urgency of your desire to remove you and your child from the man you describe.  Is there any legal assistance that a documented therapist's child evaluation, may provide you (alongside the knowledge/proof of this man's criminal behavior and infidelity) to a potential legal protective restraining order from this man, and eventual legal authorization in departing the country with your child?   

SoT

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Justanotherlostgirl,

I fully understand the difficulty of these situations and the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that exists when physically and emotionally intertwined with abusers.  This website and forum is indeed a great help in coming 'Out of the FOG' (Out of the FOG).  You and your child being away from this abusive, dangerous and careless man is allowing the FOG to lift and you to see more clearly.   

You wrote:

"As he has been away, I do see that being in this toxic environment has also distorted my reality. Something which I would never have accepted before now seems so normal. I struggle a lot internally with the cognitive dissonance of society saying two parents are better, and a complete home is better, while at the same time believing that this man is truly not a good person and someone who should be around a child."

Yes!  I 100% agree with that paragraph.  It's easy, in a quick look at my profile and posts to read I am a man of faith.  This thread is not located on the religious forum section, but I will simply and briefly state that although I believe that God designed the nuclear family to be a 2-parent design, with the balanced values and attributes (mirroring Gods attributes) of male and female, I do not believe it supersedes the necessity of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health and freedom of your child and also for yourself.  Therefore, your last sentence of that paragraph "....believing that this man is truly not a good person and someone who should be around a child." is so very true and imo, the right thing to do to remove your child permanently from this man's influence and potential emotional and physical harm and purposefully not allow any relationship, for the child's protection. 

From what you describe, this man is just the opposite of what should be around your child, and luckily, your child has YOU!   A strong, determined, energetic, thoughtful, caring, loving, sacrificing, concerned mother, who realizes this non-adult, helpless child is relying fully on you for protection, care, health and development. 

You also wrote: "My therapist has recommended that I have my son evaluated. My first thought always is my child and what lasting scars this is going to leave him with."   

I'm not certain regarding the age of your child, but as you well know, the earlier formative years are SO very important and therefore the urgency of your desire to remove you and your child from the man you describe.  Is there any legal assistance that a documented therapist's child evaluation, may provide you (alongside the knowledge/proof of this man's criminal behavior and infidelity) to a potential legal protective restraining order from this man, and eventual legal authorization in departing the country with your child?   

SoT

Hi SoT,

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply! I'm sorry to have confused you in the other threads. My husband left 2 months ago for business and was returning once a week for half a day sometimes. I basically never know when he is going to show up. This is his family home, so he does come back. He is MOSTLY out of our lives though. He also will not call to see our child unless I call him.

Recently, his family have been trying to convince him to come back and go back to my home country with me. This week, he has been back every 2 days. It is very stressful. This situation I was talking about happened during his birthday, which was a month ago, and one of the days he decided to come home. It is quite confusing, even for me! 🤣

I do agree. If a friend of mine told me about my situation, I would be shocked. It sneaks up on you slowly, as I'm sure you know. It's one thing then another. Then a break, then another. Slowly, over years you are just surviving day to day, just trying to figure out how to fix what's broken, what you've done and how you can help this person. Then one day I just woke up and was told by my husbands family that my entire existence is basically a lie, which was a shock. Now I'm here, trying to figure it all out. It's deeply shameful I find myself in this situation. I know these feelings are normal. Obviously though, it doesn't mitigate the seriousness of the situation and the need to remove myself and my young son from it as quickly as possible. He's 4.

I currently do not have the funds on my own to find out about a restraining order, or if it will do any good in this country. After the first week of September, I will have more answers. I must hold on until then, and sometimes be in his presence.

I read some of your posts. I'm sorry for your circumstance, and you are very strong to try to stay with someone who is disordered in this way. I hope everything in your life is going well now. I'm not a person of faith myself, but that doesn't matter, we are all in this together, and I'm so happy to be here. It is the first time I feel I can truly breathe!

[SonofThunder]

Justanotherlostgirl,

Thank you for the kind words regarding my posts and my own situation.  Thank you also for the extra information as it helps to better understand a persons situation in context.  I wish you the best as you progress forward with what you believe is best for you and your young boy.  I am pleased to hear your son is only 4, as there is a lot of time remaining for your young boy to experience a more connective and less drama-filled time with you, as you and your family and friends help mold him, through teaching and experiences into the balanced adult you desire for him. 

Yes, we are all in this life together, yet free as adults to make choices.  Although, children do not, so i am glad your little boy has such a strong, determined, loving and protective mom to make decisions for him until he is free to make those on his own.  You hold the moldable future in your hands and it is quite a powerful responsibility.   Enjoy the gift of him to the fullest! 

SoT