Going LC, kind of weird Hoarders analogy...

[Quilt]

SO, I keep feeling a need to write up a huge explanation PROVING that my stepmom is disordered and has emotionally abused me, but I think that is my own disordered mind talking. I don't have to prove that I was mistreated. I finally accept that it has felt wrong all these years when my stepmom would behave a certain way or say certain things because it WAS wrong, as in, disordered, unhealthy, abusive, even in a covert way.

I was thinking about the show Hoarders the other day when I was having kind of a breakthrough moment in accepting how truly poorly my stepmom has always treated me while expecting me to still be 100% loving and grateful and loyal to her.

There was an episode of Hoarders where the woman in the episode who had hoarded and was having her house assessed had an emotional outburst and yelled something like, "Just take it all and get rid of it all! I don't even care anymore! Just throw it away!"

I was sitting at home like, nice! There ya go! No more combing through each individual newspaper and asking her what she wants to keep or throw away, she said to dump it all, Hoarders win!

But the therapist who was there to help her go through the process said, "I know you don't mean that, and we're not going to do it that way. I need you to go through the process with me," or whatever wording. He knew she was just having a meltdown because she was overwhelmed, but if they ripped all her stuff from her based on that meltdown, then she would have an even bigger breakdown. And ultimately she would just hoard again. They needed to get to a place where she was emotionally ready to part with the hoard and slowly disassemble it.



So, I feel like, in my relationship with my stepmom, I'm the hoarder, and everyone in my life who has been listening to me complain all these years without changing anything, is the viewer saying "She said to throw it all away! Just do it!" But my higher self maybe? Is the therapist, saying, no...you can't just torch this relationship until you're ready. And I think I'm finally ready. Not to fully torch it, but to at least see it for what it is. She's not JUST really annoying and rude. She's disordered and her treatment of me goes beyond pushy and overbearing. She tries to make me question my own boundaries, which are reasonable, and she tries to make me feel afraid, obligated, and guilty, as a way of life!!! The name of this website on its own was such an eye opener.

The other day, she just pushed me over the edge, sending one of her classic texts trying to make me feel guilty for something. I blocked her number. I'm still on good terms with my dad, and my plan now is to tell him that I can't make plans through her anymore. He is my dad and he is the one who can text and call me to make plans when he wants to. I don't know if or when I will explain that I have blocked her number to her. I have tried to explain so much to her over the years and it never seems to sink in. I'm worried about the fallout that may be to come, but I'm ultimately happier.


She has a three-letter name, and so does "Dad" in my contacts, and so does my best friend and of course, lots of people lol. Think, Sam, Bob, Avi, Kim, Jim, Joe, Lou, Deb. Even though she's blocked and can no longer text me, every time someone else texts me who has a three-letter name I get a jolt of cortisol/adrenaline from the stress that is associated with her texts from so many years of this toxic relationship. That's another indicator to me that I've made the right decision.

Would love any thoughts? Support? Theories on what her reaction will be? Thanks to this forum for existing and providing so much free education and support!

[Cat of the Canals]

I think that's a great analogy. I can definitely relate to it. It's taken me about three years to really embrace LC with my PDmom. It has felt like a very slow process, and I have definitely had some moments of backsliding without even realizing it. But right now, I haven't spoken to her on the phone in over a month. When I started it was required that we talk once a week -- AT LEAST -- and I was still hearing from all the Flying Monkeys that I needed to call her moremoremore. The notion that I could simply not take her calls and not respond the nagging guilt trips wouldn't have occurred to me when I started.

In the past, when I didn't respond to PDmom fast enough, she'd bombard me everywhere she possibly could, trying to get my attention: Facebook, email, Googlechat. So if stepmom has your email address or if you're friends on FB, I'd consider blocking those routes as well. I think it's pretty common that if/when a PD figures out you're blocking one avenue, they'll try to find another way to get to you.

Either way, congratulations on this big step and on your shiny, new LC boundaries!

[Jolie40]

congratulations on your baby!