Is it common I was treated badly as a kid by parents-whilst siblings got praise?

[BrightMoon]

I had events happen to me recently that felt like the final pieces of a jigsaw coming together, revealling and confirming what I guess I'd always known, even as a kid; that both my parents had very little love for me, no interest, no patience, no kindness, no warmth-but by contrast, they both went to great lengths for my two older siblings and from the day I was born, always gave them preferential treatment, even going as far as spending lots of money on them and giving them whatever they wanted, whilst I was denied things.

I got second hand toys and things theyd literally found off the street-whilst my siblings got new expensive things. My siblings got my parents time and love. I got lies, evasion, ridicule and told it was all in my imagination. I mostly believed it for so much of my life.

Why me? Is this random treatment common? I was always the loyal, caring, kind, and honest child, while my siblings did nothing but lie, cheat and steal-even to my parents. I've read a lot about bad parents, or those unable to give their kids love-but I've not read so much or found much about parents who treat only one child in particular so badly, whilst siblings got treated much better. Does it happen much? Are there other people out there who have had this? Im just so confused why a parent, let alone two together, would do this.

[Cat of the Canals]

Oh yes. That is fairly common in disordered families. You are the "scapegoat" and your siblings are the "golden children." Sometimes there will be one golden child and the rest are treated as SG. Sometimes the roles rotate over time, and there's a lot of in-fighting between siblings to get into the GC seat... for however long they can keep it. The flavor of every family is a bit different, but the general phenomenon is common.

I'm sorry this was your experience. I imagine it's very confusing to be treated so poorly compared to everyone else. As to why... I don't think there's necessarily a reason, at least not one that has much to do with you. But the fact that you were different - the honest, kind one amidst your lying, cheating siblings - might be part of why they singled you out. They could "get away with" abusing you, so to speak. I don't mean that to sound like I'm "blaming" your kindness at all. It's just another PD trait to exploit the virtues of others.

[Andeza]

Couldn't say it better than Cat honestly. Most of us here have a story to tell if being either scapegoat or golden child. Some of us, the only children at the very least, could see our status flip by the hour. You were taken advantage of, I'm so sorry.

[Maxtrem]

You don't have to feel guilty at all. When you ask yourself why me? The answer can be as stupid as a simple detail. I once read that a narc can have a golden child only because of the sex of his child. I have an uncle who was clearly a narc who put his daughter on a pedestal only because she was good at sports, while his son was clearly the scape goat.

[Cat of the Canals]

I once read that a narc can have a golden child only because of the sex of his child.

I think this is the case with my PDmil. She seems to treat her daughter much better than her sons. We know she was the scapegoat of her own PDmother, and her brother was the golden child. I've wondered many times if she sees her brother in her sons and herself in her daughter, so she lets all the resentment she has come out in her behavior toward the boys but treats her daughter as she wishes she'd have been treated.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I do not known if this type of treatment is common, but do think it tends to be common in disordered families. I am sorry. I had similar treatment from both my parents. I also was as you describe yourself: loyal, caring, kind, and honest. I sometimes wonder if our parents treated us this way because of these characteristics.  The rest of the family is not that way, so we stand out as different which makes us targets.   
     
The fog clearing for me was also as you describe, like a jigsaw coming together revealing what you always sort of knew. When I had specific terms to associate it with I started searching and was amazed at how much I found online. I actually felt quite exposed like these writers must have lived in the attic in my house growing up. I was at the same time appalled and relieved that finally something made sense to me. If it helps, know that you are not alone in any of this.   

 

[Jolie40]

Im just so confused why a parent, let alone two together, would do this.

as the designated SG, never figured out why, either

whole family went to a counsellor when I was a young teen (parents always fighting & yelling)
the one thing I remember counsellor saying was that they used me as SG

PD parent blamed all their problems on me & other parent went along with it
they even blamed me for their high blood pressure diagnosis!
look under high BP causes & my name is listed, lol

I went NC last summer & it's been a wonderful, peaceful year!

[Aeon]

Another scapegoat here, nothing I did was ever good enough and I always heard about how my brother was better at everything even when he wasn't. My pdMom picked him as the golden child because he was male and more likely to see her as 'vulnerable' and support her financially and in frankly, do pretty much anything she wants. He still performs this work and his wife takes over a lot of it when he is busy.
I am still the "one with a temper" and he is "just that way" (describing me and H being invited over and beings said about 3 words to by GC). I think they do this in part to have someone to blame their 'less than perfect life' on. It can't be them, after all so it must that horrible child that caused it.
I still find it hard to deal with sometimes, to be honest.

[BrightMoon]

Thanks for all the replies. Theres been some useful insight into things from them, and it always helps me to read Im not alone in things. I welcome all thoughts and posts btw. Good to have this forum to share things on.

I just wanted to also post this, as I feel a need to share some painful feelings that are with me today. Today Im pretty tearful, and tired. I saw a photo of my mother and two siblings late last night that was quite recent, and online, that I hadnt seen before. What hurts is the realisation lately that after having to go no contact with them all, I see clearly now that none of them have particularly missed me at all. I have been told otherwise-but I recognise the lies now when they tell them. But I had believed them until recently. Now I see that the fears and worries I had as a kid were true-that they never really cared for me and just saw me as a nuisance/something to justify their victim behaviours. I recall my mother always being late (she was always chaotic) to meet people, and she would usually tell them it was 'because of me' (it never was, I was always waiting for her to be ready). Same thing when she wanted to leave events - she would tell people I would 'act up' if she didnt leave, and would feign frustration at me, to have an excuse to go....  But my dad never showed any interest in me. He would openly say he 'couldnt be bothered to play with me', in front of me, as a kid 'because it was boring'. Thats what has thrown me lately. Two different people, both showing the same lack of love to me. Both independently favouring my elder siblings. Hard sometimes not to be confused by that, or to blame myself on tough days.

[SelfKindness]

I've often asked myself why my experience was different growing up to my brothers experience and at the time put it down to gender discrimination. I was neglected and my parents never discussed my future with me. Yet they did with my brother and he went on to have huge success whereas I dropped out of school.
Looking back I see that they seemed to expect great things from him as did my brother himself. I felt they expected nothing from me and it wasn't thought about. It's weird.
I am currently putting it down to my mother being narcissistic and my father being another victim of that. It's common for them to see people in black and white terms and I don't think the individuality I expressed as a teenager was something she could relate to or new how to deal with. So I was ignored.
I've heard this is all very common to the point of being standard behaviour from narcissistic parents. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it too and this is what I've understood of my own situation so far.
My mother twenty years later exhibits some signs of feeling guilty about it yet when it comes down to it she still sides with my brother; it's like he is idolised by her whereas I'm more just an extension of her and not a real person. When I assert boundaries and my real ness can't be ignored I get the silent treatment.

[DrunkenMoogle]

Growing up, my parents created a hierarchy of the 5 kids (including me) in my house. The "better" you were, the more privileges you'd have and less abuse/harrassment you'd endure. I was NOT a well behaved kid so I was normally near the bottom. My older brother was an addict from early on, so he was always the very last in line. The golden child was my youngest brother who happens to be a local high school baseball star. The more perfect you made the family look, the better you were treated. I no longer live in that house, but my three younger siblings do, and it's still the same as always. For example, there's one car for all three of them to share, but baseball star is typically the only one allowed to use it. Even if the other two need to get to work, they aren't allowed to take the car "just in case baseball star might need to go somewhere." even if he has nothing planned that day. They usually uber to work.
It's messed up.
I'm really sorry for what you've been through, and are going through.
All 5 of us are kind and talented people worthy of being treated with love and respect equally. Same as you and your siblings.
I promise it has nothing to do with you.

[Hazy111]

Most stuff well covered but may i add Narcs use "splitting" ( defense mechanism applied by PDs) all the time. Everyone is divided into good or bad, everything black and white, just like a toddler does. They apply to this to their children naturally.

Narc mothers generally Borderlines, tend to make their daughters the scapegoat as they project the stuff they hate about themselves into the daughter. Christine Lawson explains all this beautifully in "Understanding The Borderline Mother" . A must read for all children of Narc parents !!

As already stated the roles can be reversed . I was the "GC" then became a  "SG" later in life. 

Many "SGs" on here complain that the "GC" got all the love .

Let it be stated again and again No one gets real love from narc parents. All love? is conditional. 

" I will give you x y and z (Positive attention, gifts, special treatment etc) but to do so you must comply to my needs" Thats the underlying message the "GC"  receives. 

Many "GCs" grow up suffering "impostor syndrome" . " Im not what you think i am. This isnt the real me "

So if the narc parent is slamming the "SG" the "GC" MUST agree. Most  GCs are unaware that they are the "GC" and totally agree uncritically with the narc parents opinion (years of brainwashing and "forced teaming") of the "SG".

Many "GCs"  grow up to be narcs themselves marry , have kids etc and so the intergenerational trauma continues from generation to generation. (PD is not genetic btw)


And Brightmoon , this is far more common than you think. I believe PD is the norm not the exception. Once you know the tell tales you can see it all around you. Those "perfect families" you see they aint so perfect. Good luck.

[JustKat]

Why me?

That's the million-dollar question, and one that's been eating me alive my entire life. I was scapegoated badly and have no idea why I was chosen. My brother was the Golden Child and my sister, I guess, an enabler. Both wanted for nothing while I was neglected and treated like unwanted trash.

I've read that Nparents choose their scapegoat based on the child's personality and that they'll often choose the one that's an empath. That was definitely me. Since I was very young I've always had a soft spot for animals, even carried spiders out of the house when I was a child because I didn't want to harm anything. To use your words, I was "loyal, caring, and kind." That empathy may have been viewed as a weakness and made me the target child. I also had a mind of my own and couldn't be easily manipulated, where my brother and sister had no curiosity about the world and believed whatever they were told. My siblings had their roles swapped around, but I was always the scapegoat.

This is unfortunately very common in households with PD parents. In my case, an NPDmother and enabling father.

You did nothing to deserve this and you're absolutely not alone. Sending hugs...

[JollyJazz]

Hello,

I'm so sorry that you went through this. It is an extremely common phenomenon. Many of us here (including me). Have also been in this role.

I was always the loyal, caring, kind, and honest child

Why does it happen? Precisely because you are naturally kind, caring etc. You make an easier target to pick on.
Also kind caring people in PD FOO's are groomed to provide narcissistic supply.

The why we were chosen for this role is described really well in a book called 'stop caregiving the borderline or narcissist'.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life https://g.co/kgs/Bw9dWf

Basically being nice and caring makes us a target in a PD FOO.

"(Caretaker traits) include a desire to do a good job, enjoyment in pleasing others, a desire to care for others, peacemaking, a gentle and mild temperament, and calm and reasonable behaviors. These traits can be the hallmark of someone who is easy to get along with, caring of others, and a good worker, spouse, and parent. But when you use these behaviors as a means of counteracting the extreme behaviors of the BP/NP, they can morph into more toxic forms and become perfectionism, a need to please, overcompliance, extreme guilt, anxiety, overconcern, avoidance of conflict, fear of anger, low self-esteem, and passivity. At that point, these traits become detrimental to the mental, emotional, and physical health of the person and become Caretaker behaviors."

We had to adapt in a certain way to cope. Some of it meant being an emotional punching bag.

I can heartily recommend the 'caregiver' book. It has plenty of proactive exercises to escape from the allotted role!

Getting past this phenomenon is also described in a book called 'the disease to please'.

The Disease to Please https://g.co/kgs/XGqCmg

Healing from this role is a great thing to do as it means we can care for ourselves better, and also find kinder, healthier people for us to be around.

The good news is, that those of us in the scapegoat role tend to be well equipped to work on ourselves and heal. The PD family members are too caught up in their own sense of feeling superior and have too much pride to deign to go to a therapist ever  Lol. Also those of us in the 'caregiver' role tend to be more pro social and able to thrive in communal atmospheres and workplaces. Working on assertiveness etc. improves things further too. But the core pro-social teamwork is there ☺️

Whereas PDs will always be getting into fights etc. in a team/workplace environment, the nonsense they get away with at home with children they tyrannize over can be viewed more dimly in the workplace... (well, healthy workplaces that is).

Any, sending a hug!  I'm glad that you are here!

There's a wonderful warm community here that helps with a great deal with things!