Feeling ready

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Torn and confused

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Feeling ready
« on: June 18, 2021, 10:20:18 PM »
I've been a long term reader of this forum but this is the first time I've posted.  Just being able to read other's stories has helped me immensely, I remember one time I cried for half an hour letting go of the guilt of not wanting to touch my NPD mother after reading that others feel the same. So thank you for that.

I am a 40 year old woman with a husband and two kids. I grew up in a single parent family with four kids. My mother is undiagnosed but clearly narcissistic. If you believe her narrative she was abused as a child and "Did her best" as a parent to raise four kids while always working. Truthfully she was physically abusive, emotionally distant, neglectful, blames everyone and everything for her failures in life and hides or destroys every bit of evidence to the contrary.

I was (and still am I suppose) the golden child and suffered a great deal of guilt my whole life for that fact. My siblings have either gone NC or LC but I can't do that. I still feel an overwhelming amount of obligation to her. Without me and my children (who she is actually a decent grandmother to) she would have nobody. She lives alone, hours away with no friends or support and is on disability due to complications from cancer treatment.

My current form of self preservation is to have minimal contact with her outside of school holidays and when we're together I live in the moment and refuse to engage in any conversation about the past or about my siblings.

I have plenty of stories to share but for now, thank you for helping me to feel ready to process my feelings.

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xredshoesx

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Re: Feeling ready
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2021, 11:10:52 AM »
i'm glad you have found us-  my uPD mother was unable to raise either of her kids-  i spent half my life thinking my half brother was my uncle.....in my situation they were too old/ too tired to deal with me as a teen and i ended up in foster care/ custody of the state.  it was for the best- after living with my grandparents as a child i see why my mother does what she does and also understand why her brother and my half brother have as little to do with them as possible.  this community has helped me tremendously -both in healing and overcoming the trauma of my childhood as well as applying boundaries to situations when i have to deal with difficult people who may/ may not be PD.  i hope it can help you as much.

when you are ready to share more we are listening- hope to see you on the boards soon.