Well, the inevitable happened. Hip has been broken.

[Seven]

She fell in the wee early morning hours Thursday. It wasn't long before she was found.  Surgery Thursday afternoon. She's getting moved to a rehab center today that can handle her injury and her dementia, which of course has triply worsened since surgery.  Don't know if she'll ever be able to go back to regular memory care again (I mean is there such a thing?)  She can barely care for herself without a physical injury.  She'll most likely need a nursing home.

Only thing I feel right now is pity for her.

As for the Bro5 situation and living with Sis2...is going over exactly as I thought...like a lead balloon.

[Sneezy]

Oh no, an elderly woman with dementia and a broken hip.  She will almost certainly end up in the highest level of nursing home care.  Pity is the only emotion left 

As far as Bro5 and Sis2 - you called that one.  I feel bad for Sis2, hopefully she can set some workable boundaries.

[Seven]

They got her to rehab and Sis2 is like "she can't stay here. It's a hell hole" and is freaking out, but it was the one recommended by the social worker. They can handle the rehab AND the dementia. Now, Sis2 standards are pretty high. She lives in a large home that doesn't have a speck of dust anywhere (no maid), everything in its place, etc.   I'm not sure if her concerns are really legit. Her concerns are more cosmetic than anything. A crooked drawer, a screen not inserted in the window correctly, rooms aren't all private, etc. While it most likely wouldn't meet my mother's standards either, it's really not about the cosmetics, but the level of care she'll be getting.

I did reach out to a friend who is local to them and asked if she knew of any other place. She said her MIL was at the same facility for HER rehab.  She didn't tell me to get her out of there. My friend and her husband are pretty well off so I dont believe they'd out their own mother in a shithole.

Bro5 will be moving out of Sis2 house by the end of the month, into Sis2 BF's rental home. Guess who else is moving into the rental?  Sis2 BF. I wish I made this stuff up.

[Sneezy]

While it most likely wouldn't meet my mother's standards either, it's really not about the cosmetics, but the level of care she'll be getting.

Yep, all that matters at this point is the level of care.  Doesn't matter if it's pretty, as long as the care is adequate to keep your mother safe and to manage what is likely to be a fair amount of both physical and mental pain.

So . . . as far as Bro5 living with Sis2's BF, do you have your medium chill ready to go up to level 10?  Because you don't want to be anywhere near that situation when it blows up.  Not your problem, not one bit!

[1footouttadefog]

I was caretaker for an elderly man who lived with us for several years.  He was a family friend and there was a financial win win, we needed some income and he wanted to avoid a musing home for as long as possible.

Because we knew his dementia and mobility  might become more than I can handle we visited nursing homes together early.  We picked I e we both felt okay with.

It was not the best looking one.  It was a very plain institutional looking building lilkey built in the 60's or earlier.  It was around Halloween and the staff had clumsily decorated various areas with themes, like cowboys and Indians at one nursing station, a haunted house at a hall crossing and a jail cell with striped  clothing, and a zoo in other nursing stations.

That the employees cared enough to bring stuff from home and play act for these old folks told me they cared.

Semi private rooms, my friend ended up with a younger man in rehab from a super bad car wreck.  He took my friend to the patio with him to smoke a couple times a day and enjoyed hearing about WWII.   My friend had been a high school teacher and enjoyed the younger mans student like attention and questions and the visits from his kids.

Even nursing homes that are a little run down can have very positive interactions taking place in them.

My friends hip healed and he came back to the house for a year before return g to that nursing home for his end stage care.  He got another good roommate fortunately and there were only minor issues over a couple years.

I hope your mother ends up somewhere  where she can be safe and cared for and feel good vibes from the folks around her as my friend did.

[Seven]

The level of care ended up being the oxygen cannula in her nose, but the other end of the hose not hooked up to oxygen supply. Mom pulling all her gowns off and being naked in a semi-private room.   Her dressing was removed and not replaced (in the time that Sis2 saw it, so we don't know if mom pulled it off or the on-duty nurse was doing some wound charting and just hadn't replaced the bandage).

  We're trying to find other facilities that can take her, but the combination of injury and dementia and insurance is such that options are limited.  The one they were trying to get her in tomorrow decided they can't deal with the dementia. There is one more place we're trying and then the other option is to see if her original memory care facility will take her back and have some type of p/t or o/t come in, and hire overnight care for toileting, etc.

She's really going to need 24/7 nursing care.  Which makes me angry all over again that she didn't prepare for end of life.  That if she just ignored all her issues they would just go away. IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME! And she has put her children in a huge bind. And "I'm not moving to one of THOSE places because I want to leave something for my kids", yet took no steps to shelter her money to do that.  I mean, it's not about the money obviously, but SHE is the one using it as an excuse.  She could have been in a step-up facility (all the way from IL to NH and everything in between) here 3 years ago when this really all started, but the money was her excuse and just covering up the fact that she was already scared to commit. She was a really poor decision maker even when she was sane.  Never listened to the kids, but the friends spoke gospel.

1foot- she has advanced dementia.  She was already in a memory care facility.  She started to wander her room at night, clean with the TV on full blast in the early morning hours, take showers at 1am because someone told her to (no they didn't).   After anesthesia from this surgery she doesn't even recognize her own kids.  This all happened so fast that there was no chance for the family to research rehab facilities before they discharged her to the first open bed that can deal with dementia patients.

I'm glad when we saw her over Memorial Day weekend she was behaved and seemed to know who everyone was and had a good time. 

With regards to the sibling living situation, I'm no where near it so it's never been my issue.

I'm just sitting here in my mid-Atlantic state trying to be as chill as possible.  Believe me, I'm fielding phone calls from this sib and that sib complaining about the other one and just trying to get them to relax.   Nothing can be done until tomorrow, and that's if the other places can even take her.

[1footouttadefog]

Dementia can be "fun".

My friend was sprawled out on the stairs trying to climb them one day. He was dragging his walker behind him and to push a large bag of clothes ahead of him.

His explanation was that he was in a car race later that day and needed the bag of "money" with him.  He had a lit cigarette between two fingers in the hand clamped around the laundry bag.

He had been very good to only smoke on the patio prior. He only ever went upstairs via the outside sidewalk not the stairs.

It was then I knew it was not safe to have him in the house with us.  This was such a huge change from even hours before and he never got better. 

I guess sometimes a big section of the brain web gets disconnected all at once. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Which makes me angry all over again that she didn't prepare for end of life.  That if she just ignored all her issues they would just go away. IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME! And she has put her children in a huge bind.

I understand this feeling. My uNPD mother is the same way. No preparations, not a bit of planning but she has no intention of leaving anything for her children.  Dementia is a terrible thing to deal with. I'm sorry this is happening, very stressful I'm sure!