No Contact & Feeling SO Much Anxiety

[makingachange]

Hi Everyone!

About 8 months ago or so, I finally awoke to the realization that my Mother is a covert narcissist and my Father is her faithful enabler.  After realizing this and after spending some time thinking it over, I decided around 8 months ago to start gray rocking her.  Gray rocking snowballed quickly and she caught on too fast...she started saying little rude comments so I pulled away even more. 

It wasn't until she finally just blew up on me with complete rage that I pulled away so much so that it put her into this crazy cycle that went on for at least 6 months.  I was told I was cruel...that I had a hate for all people...she threatened to call the police to do a wellness check on me....she told me this wasn't really me and I was actually missing....showed up at my door multiple times banging on the door and ringing the doorbell....threatened to sit in my driveway and not leave until I come out...this is just part of it, so you can imagine the stress this has caused me. 

What would happen would be she would send me messages for a week...then pull away for a week or two...just to come back and do it all over again.  I haven't heard from her in over 25 days, and although I am happy about that...I still feel this pending doom this intense anxiety and fear.  I'm not sure what I am afraid of exactly.  I feel afraid I suppose that I know in the pit of my stomach this isn't the end.  I guess I worry that she will be back popping up to pull me down all over again. 

I was outside yesterday in my backyard when I happened to hear someone sneeze.  Most people would shrug this off, but this sneeze I heard sent me into a panic...I felt like I couldn't breathe...my heart rate immediately started to go really fast...and all I could think of was how could I escape....how could I get in my house without having to deal with that.  Thankfully the sneeze was just a neighbor walking their dog...but, it seriously had me in a place of fear.

I feel this anxiety also that tomorrow is Father's Day...I have absolutely no intentions of saying anything to them or sending a card by choice.  But, I feel in a sense that tomorrow is a test.  The test is whether or not I will say anything...or even send a card.  I guess I also have fear that me not saying anything will spark a big fuss/conflict again over the fact I didn't wish him a Happy Father's Day. 

I feel right now I'm in a weird place because every morning I wake up I feel this panic....I feel this worry...I feel like this has been going on now for weeks and I just don't know how to get out of this ongoing loop.  I suppose I am looking for any guidance or insight on this and how I can escape this ongoing loop that I am in because it seriously is NO fun.  How do I deal with this and how can I find myself again?  What is happening? 

Thank you all so much for reading this and any thoughts, advice, or suggestions you may have!  I truly appreciate each and every one of you here! 

[notrightinthehead]

Some call it an extinction burst. Or several.  By being consistent and continue on your chosen path you will eventually get the message across that no matter how big the tantrum is,  she will not achieve her goal - that you return to her dominance. Consequently, you are doing the right thing by not sending a father's day card.  That would only trigger false hope and another attempt by her to make you submissive to her again.
As for the panic attack you describe with the sneezing incident - this is a post traumatic flash back you experienced. The best is, to sit them out. Tell yourself that you are having a trauma flashback and that it will pass. You could go and find a trauma therapist, try EMDR or other trauma therapies and you will be able to deal with flashbacks faster, better and they will be less and shorter with time. Just accept that you are traumatized (who would not be after the performances you describe?)  and that you are on a journey of healing. This will allow you to be patient with yourself and not expect that you are instantly healed from a lifetime of being exposed to such behaviour.
Keep us posted with your progress!

[JenniferSmith]

I dealt with a lot of anxiety after I went NC ....even though my nmother was over a thousand miles away and isn't the stalking/harassing type.  In my case, the anxiety was connected to the fear and terror I felt throughout my childhood due to her physical and emotional abuse.   IME, it took years of NC for that anxiety and fear to resolve itself. One of the most helpful things I did was EMDR therapy. Regular talk therapy too.  Just cutting her out of my life was like removing a cancer, and I slowly began to heal once it was gone.

I know some people have Nparents who will continually try to engage with them, and I am sure that makes it much much harder, also if they live close-by.   Your choice for NC is a way to protect yourself and find safety.... so its normal that you would feel anxiety now that you're trying to have that space from them.   They are not "safe" people, and your body knows this.  Take good care of yourself, and be patient with the process...

[DistanceNotDefense]

makingachange - I've been where you are and in some ways still am. Next month marks 1 year NC.

Around the 6 month mark was when my nervous system finally started to calm down on a daily basis and my FOO started to get out of my head a little. Others I've talked to have also said there is something about that 6 month mark - when you get there you get over a hump, but the timeframe is probably a little different for everyone.

Realize that to an extent FOO do brainwash and condition you to accept certain treatment. It will be a long and slow road to deprogramming. I had to go back to therapy part way through and I think it's very important, if not crucial.

Just keep going and don't let go of those handholds you have right now, stick to your boundaries, and don't give in despite that anxiety. That anxiety was taught to you so you don't stand up for yourself - "do this, or else". That "else" doesn't hold sway anymore.

It's like you're rock climbing a sheer cliff face - and you're in a very physically uncomfortable spot and don't know where to put your hands or feet yet to keep climbing up. You can either drop down to the ground and give up, but eventually you'll want to climb back out again.

Or you can stay strong in the very difficult and awkward position you feel you're in, be patient, don't let go, and look for the next handhold, one foot in front of the other...and keep climbing out of the pit of fear your family put you in. Even though it is so slow and uncomfortable right now. The only way is up of you don't give up.

For me it was like I felt this huge looming sense that I had done something very, very wrong, though logically I knew I was doing right. I felt like I was hurtling through deep dark space with nobody. I felt orphaned and abandoned. I fell into friendships that were just as unhealthy (if not similar, because they were comforting to me) to replace my FOO. I dealt with grief of their loss also.

Though my FOO lives very far away I expected they would just show up any day and pressure me into answering to them until I broke down and cried. They never did.

I didn't respond to their hoovers, their guilt tripping messages, their manipulative gifts. I went quiet. I didn't send them gifts or cards back which feels heartless, cruel, and was very, very difficult. But I had to remind myself that gifts and sentiments are translated into very different things for PD/dysfunctional families: they feel entitled to them. It's not like they're special to them in their eyes, and like they are heartwarmed. In fact they're never enough. And it's really only more fodder for them to judge and devalue you, to your face and behind your back.

Because of how they treat you, they lost their privilege to that.

When they tried to hoover me thru friends and in-laws, I reinstated that I needed some space with a medium chill wall of pleasantness and to leave me and mine alone. They think they are Silent Treating me now, but I got my peace.

Don't give up. It will get better. But remember that it is also a grief. It won't ever completely go away, the pain, but it will interfere with your life less intensely and frequently as days go by. Focus on the present as much as you can and when you're feeling underwater, vent here and also allow yourself time to grieve - and ramp up your self-love and self-care during those darkest is times.

You've got this.

[waterfalls]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Do what feels right to you. Please take good care of yourself--give yourself a lot of loving-kindness and self care.

[Andeza]

My experience was a little different. In my case, my brain had gotten so accustomed to the drama and pd nonsense that when I removed all that it felt at first like I had lost some sense of direction. As though my whole life had revolved around it all for so long that now I was just floating... drifting in the ether. It caused a feeling of anxiety at first, but I came to realize that I rather liked the peace and quiet.

Over time, all that has faded. I have a new routine, I don't look over my shoulder, and I've settled into my own comfortable pattern.

[Sheppane]

Hi makingachange

I'm sorry your going thru this right now. I've been there/ am there.

This really stood out for me " I'm not sure what I am afraid of exactly.  I feel afraid I suppose that I know in the pit of my stomach this isn't the end.  "

Yes !! The fear of what might come next. That's what the fear is. And it is because your body knows/ all of you knows that there may be something else on its way. This does NOT happen in healthy equal relationships ! Someone pointed out to me on this forum recently that this happens in abusive relationships . Somehow that gave me great clarity and affirmed and validated that the very fact that this is physical response- the pit of my stomach feeling- confirms for me that I need not feel guilty for protecting myself from any of this , or doubt my choices.

The sneeze thing sounds like you are in a hypervigilant state at the moment and I'm sure many of us here relate to that. I also get the card thing - I always fear the judgement/ disapproval and I think often these are " tests " and " scorecards " which in my experience get used at some future point against me.

I think for me it is often self doubt that trips me up. Am I doing the wrong thing? I now know this is an old conditioned response , a frequent visitor but I am learning to pay it less attention.

You ask what is happening ? It sounds to me you are changing the way you relate - for your benefit - but boy it feels uncomfortable to begin with. I had an almost compulsive need to make contact to ease my feelings of guilt. But each time I stayed strong and waded through these pangs my body and mind begin to learn and trust that I can do it. I am not NC currently but have had to put some real big changes in place and seriously reduce the level of contact to make it safe for me. I'm a bit further down the road now and I remember where you are.

Stay strong,  you've got this. This is the tough part. It gets easier and then you will begin to feel some peace and serenity. You've got some great advise from others on this thread already.