How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way

[Andeza]

It is frustrating. He sounds like an enabler, it may be helpful to read up on it so you understand the why. "Why" is always so important. I don't care about the cussing personally, I don't, but I've worked with people that would make you blush.

When she shows up, you don't have to let her in. She can sit out there and knock and holler and fuss, and if you get tired of listening to it, you can ask the police to kindly remove her. If my mother showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't open the door. I wouldn't allow someone to abuse me because... why? Again that why. You'll have to answer that for yourself I'm afraid. It's a hard question, once it's asked, you can't un-ask it.

[M0009803]

Okay. Sorry for my drunk posts on here last night. Although I do think getting drunk can temporarily clear my head and allow me to forget about shit that was bothering me, as long as I don't do it more than once a week at the most. Not sure what you mean by leaving. It's not that simple for me. I could block her number but she knows where I live, it's basically impossible for me to go no contact right now. I could move far away but I don't want to do that just to get away from my mom. because I have good reasons to stay here. I'm pretty resilient in that my mom can have a rage attack at me and I can completely move on and forget it the next day. Idk, it's frustrating to me because I wish I could have a normal family--I wish I could share things with my mom, talk about things and people that I care about, and things that are happening in my life that are good. But I can't. She doesn't deserve to know and it's too much of a pain in the ass to deal with her unpredictable reactions and ridiculous, intrusive questions about things. Much easier just to lie a lot. Which I've gotten pretty good at lately. Sounds bad, but whatever. No one has a perfect life. I could have grown up in a war zone or a third world country. I could have terminal cancer. But I didn't and I don't. Overall, life could be a lot worse and there are plenty of good things I have right now. I'm not perfect and I drink too much sometimes, fine. I'll work on it. But right now I don't really care. Sorry if this sounds rude or anything. I'm not very good at conversations online and can sometimes come off condescending when I'm not.

One word of warning on rationalising this to "I am reslient I will get over it" and "nobodies life is perfect".

As a fellow male that endured years of rages from my own mother, its the cummulative effect of the rages over years that destroys your self-esteem and confidence. 

Its akin to slowly boiling a frog alive.  It doesn't notice it is being burned alive because the heat is being turned up so slowly.   

Thats what can happen to you.  The only real "solution" is to remove yourself from the rages.  I found no other way (personally) that ever worked.

She will also not limit herself with you either.  She will target your friends, humilliate you in public, your girlfriends etc..  Ragers (of the female variety) operate in this way with their sons.  They try to keep the raging covert, but it always invariably spills over.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Lots of good replies already, but I did want to mention that none of the ways your parent behaves toward you is your fault. It's not your fault.

Also none of the ways your parent behaves or the things said to you reflect who you are as a person.

To reply to your question, I stop interacting with them. I walk away from the conversation or find an excuse to hang up the phone. Sticking around or defending myself only lead to their outburst lasting longer at me. I also find a good follow up is to manage my thoughts and inner dialog and make sure it is not negative. Basically I try to refocus on the good things in my life and what I want to do in the future and put my energy there.

Be kind to yourself. You seem insightful and aware which is hugely beneficial. You seem to have already expressed boundaries with your parent. You live on your own so you likely have a good job and are individuating. All good. I think we all find what works best by trying an approach then assessing how we feel. When we feel peaceful, I think that means we found what works for us. 

[Wolf]

@M009803 Thanks for the insight. I have struggled with self esteem in the past and only now started working at it. I have no doubt my relationship with my mom will continue to deteriorate, and eventually would like to go no contact with her. At that point, she will probably end up in a mental institution, but I don't care. I also expect I will occasionally abuse substances like alcohol throughout my life, and probably other substances throughout my life (never been truly addicted to anything yet thankfully). I have always had severe anxiety due to both environmental and genetic factors. Some things just can't be perfect, and that's okay, I KNOW for a fact I will have issues for the rest of my life, but I don't care. I will enjoy what I can, try to work on mindfulness and being as close to happy/content as someone like me can be.

[pianissimo]

Do whatever you need to do. There are no rules when it comes to encountering physical threat. Do what feels right for you.

The way you explain your relationship to alcohol is a bit worrisome. I wonder if you can find a support group to address it even if you are not alchololic. This might also help you find a way out of your situation. You need support basically, to get away from your mother, or to manage her until you can remove yourself from where you are.

I don't think I'm addicted to anything but stories about addiction help me understand myself a lot. I'm not addicted to anything, but I kind of understand what they are talking about.

[Wolf]

Do whatever you need to do. There are no rules when it comes to encountering physical threat. Do what feels right for you.

The way you explain your relationship to alcohol is a bit worrisome. I wonder if you can find a support group to address it even if you are not alchololic. This might also help you find a way out of your situation. You need support basically, to get away from your mother, or to manage her until you can remove yourself from where you are.

I don't think I'm addicted to anything but stories about addiction help me understand myself a lot. I'm not addicted to anything, but I kind of understand what they are talking about.

Yeah, my relationship to alcohol may be worrisome but I know I'm not addicted to it. I really don't want to go to a support group or AA or anything, they are a bunch of religious zealots that act like alcohol is evil and their entire premises are wrong, claiming you have to admit you have no power over your relationship w/ alcohol, etc, and they don't let anyone disagree with them and ostracize people for "relapsing." I have no interest in being around toxic people like that either. I understand your post was out of concern so don't take it the wrong way, I appreciate your concern. But have no interest in groups like that. And frankly, if I have to get drunk once in awhile to get some sleep and stop being sad and angry, it's a hell of a lot better than staying up all night long with racing thoughts and then feeling even worse than I'd be if I was hungover. If I was drinking everyday or several times every week I agree it'd be a problem tho.

[moglow]

Wolf ~ mine isn't raging and I don't know that I'll ever willingly speak with her again, but I'm drinking today. I get you, brother.

But really, you don't have to sit there for her rages or absorb her poison. That stuff changes you, and not in a good way. Do better for yourself.

[Wolf]

Hey moglow. Thanks buddy. You are right. I need to just ignore it. I'm drinking rn too but i'm doing it less often. But more to celibrate some good stuff that I've been working on. I'm definitely getting a better mindset lately. I'll get past this for sure.