I've had enough, but I still feel bad.

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yamaro

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I've had enough, but I still feel bad.
« on: June 22, 2021, 08:58:26 PM »
I met my now ex-gf with BPD 5 years ago in college and i considered it my first 'real' reationship, and we were close, but eventually things soured (she wouldn't let me be with my friends, and wanted me to hang out more and more) and we broke up about 3 years ago after a big fight and her not accepting no for an answer. She desperately persuaded me and emotionally manipulated me to stay friends, which was fine (at the time) , but over the past couple years. She has constantly wanted a little more from me and expected me to do whatever she wanted, otherwise she would blow up my phone and become hysterical. She took advantage of my generosity, she has lied to me, gaslit me, and threatens self-harm and suicide. She then "realizes" everything she does to me, apologizes and then doesn't change. This cycle has been going on for years. I have become unbearably frustrated, stressed, ashamed, and alone, I wasn't able to confide in my friends or family due to this shame. It took me years to finally understand that I am being abused and emotinally manipulated to be with her. I have felt hopeless this past year and have given up trying to distance myself only to have her continue to escalate her behaviors. She has repeately crossed boundaries I try to establish. She's done incredible things in her desperation, punched through glass (which was left to me to bring her to the hospital), I've even brought her to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I felt like it was my resposibilty, like i somehow caused this, which made me a prisoner in my own mind. I thought that this was just something that doesn't happen to couples that this has something to do with me. I thought all of this and still kind of do until 2 weeks ago.

2 weeks ago, I learned about BPD and it matched exactly what I was experiencing. Eventually, we got into another arguement, I decided I had enough, and I  blocked her on everything (which I've done before), She knows my phone number so she *69 my number so that the ID doesnt show, but I know its her. She leaves voicemails and would call at least once a day. Yesterday, she came to my place of work, and started crying and begging or me to talk. I had no support so I had to just take the path of least resistance and take her back home during my lunch break. She was trying to apologize for everything, but her coming to my work upset me so much that I lost control and we were screaming at each other in a parking lot untill the police arrived and made us calm down. Luckily, no one was arrested, but I still had to deal with my-ex and bring her home. When I got there with her she refused to leave my car unless I unblock her, when I did do that, she then pushed me to say that we can still be friends and that we can go back to "normal" and just talk, she didn't care that she was making me late for work, or really accepted anything I had to say.
 When I got back to work I finally broke down, and I had to take the day off. I then finally talked to my mom and dad about this, they already know she is stressing me out, but when I told them everything they supported me and told me I need to take legal action.

So here I am today going to an attoney's office, most likely going to go through with this restraining order. I dont want her to hurt herself, I just want her to get better. Im nervous shes going to do it again or something worse. I am so mentally burned-out that theres nothing I can do anymore, I just cant handle it on my own. I still don't know if a restrainning order will just make things worse or better. This whole situation is a nightmare for me.  I just discovered this forum today and it has been so enlightening. I think I can at least hope again. And start a new chapter in my life. I'll try to keep y'all updated.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2021, 09:41:52 PM by yamaro »

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blunk

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Re: I've had enough, but I still feel bad.
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2021, 10:14:37 AM »
Welcome yamaro. I am so sorry that you are dealing with such a difficult situation. I was married for 15 years to a man with BPD, so I can definitely relate...window punching, hospitalizations, and blowing up my phone included. I am so thankful that my job was inside of a larger compound with swipe access gates, or I am sure I would have had to deal with that as well.

You will find tons of support and understanding on these boards, as the members here have been through a lot of the same things that you are facing. There is also a lot of great information in the tabs at the top of the page. What I found most helpful as a new member were the top traits, what to do/not to do, no JADE, info on setting boundaries, and I'm sure that there is more that I am not remembering at the moment.

You seem to understand that No Contact will be to your benefit, but that can be difficult when the other person is a pwPD. It is wise to speak with an attorney, they will be able to advise you of your legal rights. And often, getting authorities of any kind involved is enough to dissuade the pwPD. I had a situation with my xh wanting some items from my home, after throwing things and being verbally abusive while removing his belongings previously. I contacted the local police about hiring an off duty officer as an escort, and had the sergeant relay the information to him...suddenly he did not need those items any longer. I then told him that I changed my phone number (in reality I had blocked him and deleted his number), and it has been more than 5 years since I have had any contact with him.

I wish you peace and strength in getting through this.


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yamaro

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Re: I've had enough, but I still feel bad.
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2021, 05:41:45 PM »
Thank you so much for responding! I am learning a ton from this site and I think posting and getting my thoughts down has given me some relief. I was definitely experiencing a type of Learned Helplessness and I was spiraling down with bad habits and drinking and not getting sleep for over a year or two. I feel like I can really focus on my own health now. Unfortunately, my ex is still trying to call me from a hospital where I believe shes been placed in a hold. I listened to some voicemails she left where she says shes sorry, and won't talk to me or bother me anymore, BUT she wants me to call her back and give her closure and not take out the restraining order. I want to have closure too but I know that if I respond it just will never end. I feel terrible but I have to stay strong.