Possibly Last Visit, in my mind at least - Suggestions?

[D.]

I plan to see my parents for "father's" day soon.  I agreed because there was some good or maybe I am just happy w/who I am in spite of the suffering they caused?  anyway, it feels right with my values.  Also because I think I may want it to be the last time. 

I now understand that caring for my own heart and soul must be first.  I've been stressed for a week and realized that contact w/my parents is probably not possible, it's the trigger for my stress.  I was honestly feeling pretty content this year, more relaxed, and had pretty much taken their reality out of my current thoughts.  It was a relief.  Their absence in my current reality keeps me mentally healthy - they are not safe people.  But for some reason I want this last(?) visit for my own closure.  I won't say it to them of course, that would feel inappropriate to me.

How do I say good-bye in my own heart that day?  Treasure (or dislike?) the moment and allow it to be my own closure?  I already have a safety plan, my husband and I leave if my mother/father become emotionally or verbally aggressive.  Any other thoughts from this group?  I have learned from and grown so much from the wisdom here.

[Andeza]

It almost sounds like you want to assure yourself, one last time, that they haven't changed and won't improve. At the end of the day, you have to do what will bring you the greatest peace and healing.

[Leonor]

I think that having some kind of acknowledgement that this is the last visit is very wise and healing. It's a grief really, and it deserves to be honored. Some ideas I've read about over the years are:

1. Write one letter before you visit and write one after. Then, hold both to your heart and place them in a fire pit.

2. Since helium balloons are kind of controversial now (danger to birds, stuck in trees, etc.), write down a few goodbye messages and then blow bubbles to "send them" into the air.

3. Plant a seedling in honor of your healing and tend to it with care.

4. Plan a soothing activity for the day or weekend after your visit. Go "off the grid" to hike, or get pampered, or paint a picture. Let your creative child play.

5. When you get home from the visit, take a lovely long bubble bath. It does wonders for our limbic system.

You're reckoning with the truth of who your parents are, rather than who you want -- deserve! -- them to be. And you're creating space for growth and peace in your own life.

In healthy families, that separation, space and creation is normal. It's something to celebrate, and something for mom's and dads to foster and nurture and honor. We have birthday parties and graduation ceremonies and weddings to say, "Great job! You got this! Keep going!" to our children.

But dysfunctional parents are too selfish to do that. Instead they tear down and depress and obstruct their children. This is where the grief comes in. To grieve the fact that not only did you have to grow up without your parents, but *in spite of* them.

So you're not abandoning anyone. You're not doing something weird or radical or cruel or mean. You're doing what all children must do to thrive in the world as independent adults. You can mother yourself.

So what would make you feel the most peaceful, the most safe the most loved?

Do that.

[D.]

Thank you Andeza and Leonor.

Yes I think that I want one last visit since coming "Out of the FOG" just to confirm and validate.  And to say "good-bye" in my heart when we hug and exit.  I suspect they will be mostly appropriate, but my cover PD mom already made very un-empathetic comment about my nephew when I confirmed.  I know I see things now and just want that last "hug" good-bye for now.  Going no-contact while I work. 

And I've noticed that my physical/spiritual/emotional self seems to be able to handle one "big" stressor in my life without becoming unhealthy.  When it was just my parents and work wasn't stressful I could visit.  Right now work and parenting is stressful and contact w/them tips the balance.  So I plan to stop for now and re-visit the reality when I retire in a few years.

I love the idea of going in and coming out of the visit w/a plan.  I am going to pray and meditate on that and really try to be spiritually present...I think I will then sense what I need to do.  Thankfully my spouse is completely on board to follow my lead.  I suspect that I will find a park and a quiet place to reflect, cry and pray after my visit with them.  Just looking forward to doing so already makes the visit seem worth the trip.  And maybe I will take something physical like a painted rock or something for each person and leave it in the park...or some symbol of letting go...

Thank you for your support and ideas.  I am going to run w/them.  I hope that others learn from this and the many other conversations here.  I know do.

In Peace