Hello! and thank you

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Hello! and thank you
« on: June 29, 2021, 03:07:19 PM »
Hi everyone! Wow, thank you so much to everyone who has created and maintains this forum. What a relief to have somewhere to go.

I have been married to my uBPD husband for 4 years now (together for seven), but we were long distance during the first 3 years of our marriage... which, looking back, was actually probably something that helped us more than I can ever imagine. The pandemic changed everything. And while we were living together full-time throughout most of it (I at his place, or he at mine), we finally moved to the same location this past January.

As you can all imagine, living together is what really brought all of the BPD dynamics to the forefront, and it was after a really bad fight last fall that I just happened to look up an article about "what is BPD" as I had some vague notion of it from watching the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend tv show. When I read the article, I immediately sent it to him and it clicked for the both of us. If anything, I think it was a relief for him to be able to have a name for his confusing emotional distress. I think it also has helped him view his own family and upbringing through a different lens as well.

I recognize it is a positive that he is self-aware enough to see that these emotional dynamics, and how he can be emotionally abusive towards me. However, it is still extremely difficult and exhausting to be his partner. Fortunately, we don't have children on top of all of this. But it is something that we both want... but maybe are both afraid of.

He recently started to see a short-term CBT therapist, but now recognizes he needs to see someone more longterm -- and specifically trained in DBT. However, he is both reluctant to spend money on therapy, and is a little afraid of any prejudice he might face in seeking treatment (he is a South Asian immigrant).

I have been in therapy regularly on and off for almost a decade now. Most recently, I was diagnosed with ADHD (as an adult), and so it is something I am working through. Fortunately, I feel like my current therapist is wonderful, and someone who I feel as though I can really trust to help me -- especially with trauma that I find myself experiencing because of my uBPD partner.

As of now, I am committed to staying with my partner. But I am not naive enough to believe that he is "fixable" per se. I think I am just coming to this forum for support because right now, I just feel exhausted. And I am afraid of losing myself. Since I have ADHD, I already have difficulty managing my time and attention, and I am so afraid of both of those things being completely taken over by my partner.

I don't really know what else to say other than thank you reading this, and thank you for any and all of your nonjudgemental support and care.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Hello! and thank you
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2021, 07:40:40 PM »
Welcome! So glad you found us.  Please read around the toolbox tab you will find some good suggestions there on how to protect yourself better when dealing with your partner.  You are fortunate that you have the support from a therapist and that you are highly self aware.  As you seem to be reasonably independent from your partner,  you are in a better situation than some others.  Also, you know what you are dealing with. Please get as much information as you can.  And stick around.  The chosen relationship board is probably the one where you will fit best for now. See you around! 
I can't hate my way into loving myself.