Learning to say no and fight for myself

[livinginmyhead]

Seems like ever since my husband passed away I have had one small battle after another regarding continuation of health insurance, getting financial matters sorted, the list is so long I can't remember how many and even if I did not going to bore you guys with it.

For over twenty years, my husband rarely ever fought for me and if he did it was usually just to position himself.as Mr Nicedevotedhusbandguy.  Any problems I had were always my fault even when they weren't.  He never had time to really listen to me but listened to everyone else.  If I ever had the audacity to stand up for myself against any dysfunction or abuse from him or his family and friends I was always thrown under the bus.

I was pondering that the other day in light of all the little fires I've been putting out daily since that man died and it occured to me that maybe God is preparing me with this.  My parents never taught me how to fight for myself.  My mother had a situation with my father that was very similar to mine with my husband as far as abusive and no emotional support.  I go through life dealing with one abusive man after another.  Meanwhile, the whole freaking world has their boot on my neck.

Maybe God is dealing with me and making me have to fight so I will finally learn it's okay to throw up boundaries with everyone and that no is a complete sentence.  I will need to know how to defend myself against those who would try to exploit me.  These outlaws and other folks who never really accepted me as my husband's wife are now wanting to be family.  They barely tolerated me when he was alive. Why all this family stuff now?  The only thing that makes sense is some kind of financial motive. I am in cancer treatment and could become vulnerable to some kind of exploitation if I'm not careful.

Will keep up the fight, keep drawing boundaries and say no when I have to.  The more I do it, the easier it gets. My adult children are also insulating from that side of the family as well.  I am so thankful to have them and another chance at a healthy abuse free existence.

[losingmyself]

Good luck to you, livinginmyhead, and just know that you have our love and support here.
Kris Godinez always says "If these people weren't related to you, would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is no, act accordingly"
Happy that you have your kids to support you

[notrightinthehead]

I believe that is a very healthy way to see the current difficulties.  You are being tested and you have a chance to prove yourself.

[livinginmyhead]

One of them who tried to split my husband and I up for 22 years, causing division right up to the day I went into the hospital has been offering me rides to cancer treatment every chance she gets.  She works going to church into all of her communications to try and trick us into thinking she has changed.

She has always hated me and is an expert at openly attacking me under the radar and twisting a knife into my back yet making it look like she's helping or doing me this huge favor.

The only reason she has offered any help is probably so she can take more FMLA and get more time off from her job.  I'll uber before I have her shoving everyone around again.

My kids have been very generous in insulating me from her and the others.  They have their issues with her too and the only reason they haven't totally unloaded on her is because I begged them not to for their late Step/Dad's sake and also because she is vindictive to the max.  I think there are only a few more things to settle and we're all done.  Good Lord I can't wait to be rid of these people.  They always thought they were better than me and my people and never missed an opportunity to say or show it somehow.  In the early days we were mocked openly.  Now they damn me with faint praise. 

[1footouttadefog]

I would be very suspicious of the relatives who are suddenly "on your side" after decades of being otherwise.

Also I have seen many many cases where folks volunteer to be involved with people during large medical situations.  Especially in the churches.  Quite often those same people who were befriended and offered rides and hepl have missing or disappearing pill bottles, or the pharmacy does not have the script ready, or or or and missing money and things other people bring the sick person are taken home etc.

[tragedy or hope]

LivingIMH,
You are very gracious. I would depend on my children or take an uber or whatever and tell them thank you... my ride has been arranged. I have said this before because a therapist taught me to repeat the thing I want no matter what the other person says or does. Meaning... sound like a broken record... eventually they get tired and run out of questions and comments and either address it or go away.

Maybe just a "no thank you," over and over will do it. I suspect first they realize they too one dy will face death and second, they are assuaging their own guilt for hating on you when your husband was around. Perhaps they want to "make" you a kind of dependent invalid. N can run in families. It gives them power over you to take you somewhere etc.

Take good care while in treatment and don't let anyone in your life who annoys you while you are trying to heal. Adults are responsible for their own feelings, you are not.

Having them around when you are going through treatment sounds like torture.

[livinginmyhead]

I feel like they will get supply from witnessing my pain and driving me around.
Nope!  Not gonna happen!
I don't hate them I'm just very tired of it all it has been a long twentysomething years.
They should have been better to both my husband and myself while he was still alive.
Instead one tried to break us up repeatedly and the other wouldn't come and help my husband and the kids while I was in hospital.

Nope.  Done with them.

[tragedy or hope]