The grocery game

[p123]

This is Dads best one.....

Every week, I get him 5-6 items in the supermarket. That's it. I do try to 2nd guess and get double but by the next week he always "needs" something else. He pretty much deliberately keeps food stocks low. In the past, I've bought double and he's moaned "I didn't want to spend that much".

Oh and another trick. He likes a certain frozen dinner. And...... Its from a supermarket in the UK called Morrisons. There's one 1/2 mile from my house but not one near his or my brothers house. Funny that.....

In the depths of Covid, I didn't visit much. Offered to get him groceries delivered. Scared him to death. He did not want to open that pandoras box and ruin his trump card. Made up some rubbish about not wanting strangers knocking his door. Told him he better tell the postman to not bother with any parcels then! In the end, I got "I'll manage". He did for months but now its an emergency every week "I've got no milk to make a cup of tea".

Things is, and I've told him many times I would still visit. But hes got to have this hold on me (he thinks it makes me visit). Its not something I enjoy being conned like this I must admit.
Thats Dad 100%. He has an idea in his head that this is the way things work and he'll do what it takes to get it to happen.

Personally, I'd feel guilty manipulating my kids like this but I don't think he cares. The more he does it the less I want to visit to be honest.

Surely he must know I've worked out what hes doing? Same with the money bribe mentioned in another thread....

Hey ho - he'll never change I guess...

[Hazy111]

Went through all this with my father. Everything was changed, cancelled and manipulated to generate visits. Thats what he wanted,  visits and he wanted to control the visits too. When and  who  etc.

Visits equals narc supply and control.  Also daily phone calls (narc supply and control) when there are no visits.

The only answer was NC.

[p123]

Went through all this with my father. Everything was changed, cancelled and manipulated to generate visits. Thats what he wanted,  visits and he wanted to control the visits too. When and  who  etc.

Visits equals narc supply and control.  Also daily phone calls (narc supply and control) when there are no visits.

The only answer was NC.

Yep I think so.

Dad has two ideas in his head:-

1. That he's very ill and needs to be looked after. (Hes not ill at all!)
2. His sons have a duty and this is how often they should visit. He comes first above sons own family.

As you say, its all about generating visits for when he thinks I should visit. Sometimes I think hes not that bothered about me actually visiting - he gets more joy out of the feeling that hes "made" me do it.

I also find that the more difficult it is for me to visit, the more he likes it. If I don't come up the mark, he will try ANYTHING in his power to get me to do it. He won't take no for an answer.

At the moment, we're having a bit of a battle. For years brother was useless, Dad never saw him for months of end, he drank at alot, was unreliable etc. I did it all, sorted stuff out for Dad, got him grants stairlift etc. Brother has calmed down last few years. Now he visits Dad quite a lot. He lives much closer and is the personal situation where he can.

Dad seems so desperate to get us both to do what he wants that brother is now number 1 and I'm the bad one. He gives brother money, they talk about me behind my back, I am the devil to him. Dad has chosen this all because brother is giving him his supply and I'm not.

[Hazy111]

Well if your brother is now No1 golden child ( temporarily most probably) it gives you a great  opportunity to go NC with both.

But you must be prepared for the possible consequences (removed from the will, brother gets the cash etc) .

Or you can carry on  much the same (for years) and post on here ad infinitum about his appalling behaviour. I think you know hes not going to change just his tactics possibly to garner narc supply and control over his sons.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit brutal, its a big decision. Good luck

[ArmadilloKate]

Same. And my mom doesn't even want me to visit she just wants to see what ridiculous hoop I'll jump through for her. She is 1 hr round trip from me, I work and have two young kids. I'll ask if she needs help on the weekend. She's been set up for delivery during COVID. She'll text me no joke 3 things to get at the store, 1 of which is a latte and say "but if you can't it's no big deal I can just order them." I'll ask her if there is anything else I can get? No. Do you have enough for meals? Yes. Do you need any help around the house? No. I started saying no to requests like that telling her it was too far for me to come for just 3 things and that she could go ahead and order them. That turned into a sob story about how she asked what she needed, she told me, and then I said no. Now that has morphed into me making it very clear I don't want to be involved as an excuse for her punishing behaviors. Sigh.

Sorry you are going through this. Sorry your parent will manipulate you. We both are doing a good job breaking the cycle.

[p123]

Well if your brother is now No1 golden child ( temporarily most probably) it gives you a great  opportunity to go NC with both.

But you must be prepared for the possible consequences (removed from the will, brother gets the cash etc) .

Or you can carry on  much the same (for years) and post on here ad infinitum about his appalling behaviour. I think you know hes not going to change just his tactics possibly to garner narc supply and control over his sons.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit brutal, its a big decision. Good luck

Must admit I'd love to go NC......

[p123]

Same. And my mom doesn't even want me to visit she just wants to see what ridiculous hoop I'll jump through for her. She is 1 hr round trip from me, I work and have two young kids. I'll ask if she needs help on the weekend. She's been set up for delivery during COVID. She'll text me no joke 3 things to get at the store, 1 of which is a latte and say "but if you can't it's no big deal I can just order them." I'll ask her if there is anything else I can get? No. Do you have enough for meals? Yes. Do you need any help around the house? No. I started saying no to requests like that telling her it was too far for me to come for just 3 things and that she could go ahead and order them. That turned into a sob story about how she asked what she needed, she told me, and then I said no. Now that has morphed into me making it very clear I don't want to be involved as an excuse for her punishing behaviors. Sigh.

Sorry you are going through this. Sorry your parent will manipulate you. We both are doing a good job breaking the cycle.

Yep. Same for me. Hour round trip - for sometimes 4/5 things....

He keeps stuff back so theres at least a few things every week.

[feelingandhealing]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Sending you plenty of compassion. The grocery game that I (and DW) were playing with my uNPDM is what led me to going NC with uNPDM. For the first several months of the pandemic, DW was doing her grocery shopping, packing them up, making the delivery to uNPDM, and we were funding uNPDM's groceries. Never once was DW thanked by uNPDM. I was constantly chasing uNPDM down to get her list for that week before DW headed out to the grocery store. uNPDM knew exactly when she was supposed to send me her list and that was part of her many manipulative tactics.... The list was almost never delivered in time. And uNPDM would put specific and expensive name brands on the grocery list. When DW would substitute an item with a less expensive one, the item would not appear on future lists.

We didn't want to suggest that uNPDM use the online shopping option at the store and buy her own groceries. However, after several months of DW getting uNPDM's groceries, uNPDM admits that she has figured out how to do curbside shopping at a local hardware store and has been doing curbside!

Since I wasn't the one that was dropping off uNPDM's groceries, uNPDM wasn't getting what she wanted which was a visit from me. So the weekly grocery process became a series of unbearable texts and emails between uNPDM and I. It was nothing but games, games, games and it was absolutely dreadful.   

I certainly hear and feel your pain. Consider setting some additional boundaries when it comes to getting groceries for your Dad.

PS – I am familiar with Morrisons in the UK, though I am not from there. How I'd love to tuck into a Gregg's bacon roll right about now! 

[ArmadilloKate]

Wow Feeling and Healing. All the games are so similar!!!!

[jennsc85]

Wow!! My uBPD mother used to always play the grocery game with me, too! It was actually so stressful that it was one of the things that contributed to me going NC with her. She's always had to run frequent errands and it's always felt like a game but she had a surgery several years ago where she was asking me to run daily (sometimes twice or three times a day!) errands for her. She would purposely leave stuff off the list so I'd have to go back out! The final straw was when I picked up a $400 grocery order for her and the next day she said she needed a special brand of toilet paper and accused me of elder abuse when I wouldn't get it for her!

[p123]

Wow!! My uBPD mother used to always play the grocery game with me, too! It was actually so stressful that it was one of the things that contributed to me going NC with her. She's always had to run frequent errands and it's always felt like a game but she had a surgery several years ago where she was asking me to run daily (sometimes twice or three times a day!) errands for her. She would purposely leave stuff off the list so I'd have to go back out! The final straw was when I picked up a $400 grocery order for her and the next day she said she needed a special brand of toilet paper and accused me of elder abuse when I wouldn't get it for her!

yes very similar....

I see the term Elder Abuse a lot. Not used in the uk. What does that mean exactly?

[Cat of the Canals]

I see the term Elder Abuse a lot. Not used in the uk. What does that mean exactly?

It's basically the idea that many elderly people are vulnerable (either physically, mentally, or both) and therefore are at increased risk of being taken advantage of. You'll hear stories about someone talking their aunt with dementia into giving them a "loan" for $5000. Or someone moving into grandma's house to "care for her" but they leave her sitting in filth all day and forget to feed her regular meals. It can also take the form of outright physical abuse.

[Sneezy]

The Grocery Game - well, now I have a good name for it 

My mom plays The Grocery Game all the time.  Just yesterday, I offered to take mom to lunch and then we would go back to her apartment and I would help her put together a gift she had received (the sender had checked with me ahead of time and I was happy to help set up this particular item).  At lunch, mom started saying that we *had* to stop at the store before going back to her apartment.  I told her I didn't have time to both go to the store and set up her gift.  That started the non-stop complaining that she had no dryer sheets and could therefore not do laundry.  Now she had just been to Walmart the previous day.  Her excuse?  Walmart no longer sells dryer sheets (that's news to me).  Total BS.  When we got to her apartment, she had a box of dryer sheets sitting there with several left in the box.  It was all about manipulating me into running an additional errand after I specifically told her I had to be back to work at a certain time for a meeting.

[p123]

I see the term Elder Abuse a lot. Not used in the uk. What does that mean exactly?

It's basically the idea that many elderly people are vulnerable (either physically, mentally, or both) and therefore are at increased risk of being taken advantage of. You'll hear stories about someone talking their aunt with dementia into giving them a "loan" for $5000. Or someone moving into grandma's house to "care for her" but they leave her sitting in filth all day and forget to feed her regular meals. It can also take the form of outright physical abuse.

Ah I see. But not going to visit just because they demand it is somewhat less? lol

[p123]

The Grocery Game - well, now I have a good name for it 

My mom plays The Grocery Game all the time.  Just yesterday, I offered to take mom to lunch and then we would go back to her apartment and I would help her put together a gift she had received (the sender had checked with me ahead of time and I was happy to help set up this particular item).  At lunch, mom started saying that we *had* to stop at the store before going back to her apartment.  I told her I didn't have time to both go to the store and set up her gift.  That started the non-stop complaining that she had no dryer sheets and could therefore not do laundry.  Now she had just been to Walmart the previous day.  Her excuse?  Walmart no longer sells dryer sheets (that's news to me).  Total BS.  When we got to her apartment, she had a box of dryer sheets sitting there with several left in the box.  It was all about manipulating me into running an additional errand after I specifically told her I had to be back to work at a certain time for a meeting.

Oh yes. My Dads classic was with his wheelchair..... I'd left it in my car accidentally. So he calls me - need it for friday can you drop it up?
Only time I could go was thursday lunchtime from work. Hour round trip. I do on call (Work in IT). Sods law- got called at 2am was in the office by 4am. Still busy I didnt fancy a drive to Dads at 12. "Do you really need that wheelchair?" Yes moan moan moan. So I took it.

Spoke to him the weekend. "how did your trip go in the wheelchair?". "Oh I didnt go in the end, not fair to ask someone to push me around".

Lets just say I was not happy!