A new low.

[Cat of the Canals]

PDmil has always had a habit of trying to call my husband at ridiculous hours. For years she's made random attempts to call between the hours of 5 and 7 am. These are not emergency calls. She's just an insomniac who gets bored and has no consideration for anyone else. He has never answered these calls. We keep our phones in Do Not Disturb mode during sleeping hours because of this habit of hers.

More recently, though, she called AND texted at 3:30 AM. The text was, "I need to talk to you." She did not leave a voicemail. Is it a coincidence that when my husband's brother died a few months ago, it was at this exact time? Maybe I'm paranoid, but it sure seems like she's trying to instigate some sort of PTSD/this-must-be-an-emergency response.

My husband has not responded. Several days passed, and she sent another text, this time asking what he wanted for his birthday. No mention of what she so desperately "needed" to talk to him about in the middle of the damn night. Because it was all a ruse, as usual.

I'm not sure I have a point... I've been ruminating on PDmil more than usual because my husband brought up "the visit" again and need to vent, I suppose. They are so exhausting.

[bloomie]

Cat of the Canals - Hmmm.... very intrusive of your mil to text/call at those hours.

How wise to ignore, ignore, ignore! Bravo to you and your DH!!

The vague wording and implied urgency sounds like a huge hoover maneuver. 

It is exhausting if we allow ourselves to even be mentally drawn in - and it is really hard not to do that I have found. It can be a mental battle to not let her take up occupancy in your head through nonsense like this. It often helps to share and get it out somewhere people get it. And we do!

How are you feeling today?

[Cat of the Canals]

Thanks, Bloomie. You are exactly right about it being a mental battle.

I'm feeling better today. It's up and down lately. Some days I feel "over it" and other days I find myself fixating on the whole thing, which always causes my anxiety to skyrocket. I've gotten good at dropping the mental rope with my own PDmom. I guess I need more practice doing the same with mil.

[Sneezy]

The vague wording and implied urgency

So familiar - when my mom gets bored, I'm pretty sure she just starts calling people at random and leaving vague messages to call her back because 1. it's important or 2. she has a question or 3. there is something that she needs to talk to you about or 4. etc. etc. etc.

It's difficult to ignore these random "urgent" calls - we are programmed to respond.  But ignoring is the best way to handle it.  Cat - Good for you for using the do not disturb option on your phone.  It sounds like a good plan for dealing with your needy mil.  When I don't call my mom back, she rarely remembers that she even called.  My guess is that someone else answered or called her back and she got her attention-fix from them.

[JollyJazz]

They seem to really love the boundary violation! It can't be at a reasonable hour, and especially if you've told them 'no'. There seems to be a consistent pattern of PD's wanting access to us at all times...

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Not taking the calls and putting it in divert mode sounds very sensible indeed 

[Cat of the Canals]

You're right, Sneezy. I asked my husband when she's ever had something she "needed" to talk about. The only thing we could come up with was when his brother died earlier this year. But he says she's been doing this for twenty years. When he still lived at home, she would wake in the middle of the night and seek him out whether he was sleeping or not. If he was up, she'd complain that him being awake was what woke her up and that he was "sending her to an early grave." If he was asleep, she'd walk into his room and start grumbling about the chores he had to do the next day. 

JollyJazz, she so loves the boundary violation that if you give her permission to do something, she's no longer interested. She was fond of showing up at our house unannounced, but one of the few times we invited her to come (we were moving out of state, so it was going to be a sort of "goodbye" visit), she didn't show up or even bother to call to let us know she wasn't coming. She only wants to spend time with us if it's against our will, apparently.

[Boat Babe]

These people are jaw droppingly awful.

[Leonor]

I thought of you this morning, Cat, when my FIL called DH from his hospital bed at 8:30am to let him know that his recently administered enema worked.

How's that for a new "low"?

[Boat Babe]

I thought of you this morning, Cat, when my FIL called DH from his hospital bed at 8:30am to let him know that his recently administered enema worked.

How's that for a new "low"?

It stinks.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sure your DH could barely hold in his curiosity. That's so crappy. I would have exploded. 💩💩💩

[Cat of the Canals]

CMC, half of me wishes he'd address it just to set the boundary. Ask her why she would think it was appropriate to contact him at that hour and to knock it off... the other half of me knows it's pointless. In any case, she's cried wolf so many times since his brother died, I don't think he'll ever fall for the "I need to talk to you" game ever again, regardless of what time it is.

I thought of you this morning, Cat, when my FIL called DH from his hospital bed at 8:30am to let him know that his recently administered enema worked.

How's that for a new "low"?

Oh boy. Where's the vomit emoji when you need it? What a delightful thing to wake up to.

H's birthday was this weekend. MIL has always made it all about her. She sent a happy birthday text the day before at 5:45 am. Another the morning of at 6:45 am. My husband's comment was, "Why would she think I'd want to talk to ANYONE that early on my birthday?"

The most classic H birthday story with MIL is the time she showed up (not invited, as usual) at our house and said, "I thought we could go out to eat." My husband doesn't like eating in restaurants and has been quite clear about this for years. He said, "You know I don't like eating in restaurants." She said, "Yes, but I thought since it was your birthday..." When she left to pick up some takeout, my husband said, "I wish I would have told her: I'm so sorry for ruining MY BIRTHDAY for you." We still laugh about that.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Cat, I was directly responding with poop puns to Leonor's DH's enema call. Because I'm mature like that. But everything applies to your situation too!

Re: Your H's birthday... yeah wow. She probably was thinking she had to be first. The restaurant thing, wow there are no words. Some people really do make every last thing about them. From someone else's birthday to someone else's death.

[Cat of the Canals]

Ohhhhh hehehe. Don't mind me. I'm kinda slow sometimes. 

Speaking of someone else's death... they talked briefly today and one of the things mentioned is her 50th HS reunion this fall. She will be giving some sort of speech... about BIL's death.  She made it sound like they asked her to do it, but... who would do that? And why??? I mean, I would imagine other people in the group have also lost children at some point... it's a numbers game. Are they being asked to speak as well? Every time we think she's peaked with her bizarre behavior relating to this, she hits a new level of WTF.