Today is DH birthday...

[Seven]

DH turns mid-50s today.  He hasn't spoke to the ILs for 3 months.  Texts on Mother's/Fathers Day with no reply, but that's as far as he would allow himself to communicate with them. Last they spoke, he said he wanted an apology, and "you broke it, you fix it", that he had worked very hard the last few years trying to repair their relationship (that he did not break then either.  They tried to get him to divorce me), and it's time they took responsibility for their actions/words.

This last episode in April had absolutely nothing to do with me.  They asked for his help in finding an HVAC person, he gave them the name of our friend who we trust completely, they also got a quote from someone else, ultimately went with friend, and then bitched about everything he did.  Told  friend that DH is not allowed in their house when they are not there (like why would you tell anyone that????), FIL tells friends "that's not how they fix it on YouTube", etc.  Friend had to go back to adjust something the following week, MIL called DH to say it was too far off, DH rescheduled it with the friend, that wasn't good enough for ILs, and then they scheduled it back for the day he was originally suppose to come, and then bitched the whole process took too long, all while saving $1000s over the typical HVAC companies.  Threatened to call the BBB on friend, who did absolutely nothing to warrant their abusiveness. Just completely over the top narc entitlement. 

I completely stayed out of the whole situation.  And when DH got fed up with their bullshit treatment of his friend, and FIL calling DH an a-hole, and DH demanding an apology for the name-calling, basically standing up for himself and friend, then that's when I started to get the blame again. "There's something going on in that house".  Of course DH is "WTF are you even talking about?"  Anything to deflect the blame away from themselves.  I told him, "you are a good son, you just have shitty parents" (I got that one from here, but I forget who said it, so props if it was you).  He straight up told them, "everything I do for you, you bitch about.  I take you nice places and have your dinners comped, you bitch that it was too expensive, or complain about the food, or complain that you didn't win anything on the slots...all while having free hotel and food". And basically said "you cause me anxiety" that literally does manifest physically in DH.

anyway, we've also had some other non-IL-related issues come up where it has put some financial stress on us shortly after the NC began, so DH has been stressed about that as well.   his parents have the means (they have millions but live like paupers), but DH won't break his boundary, and even if things were hunky-dorey, I don't think he'd ask anyway.  He has resigned himself to the fact he won't see a dime when they pass, and that they use money to control.

And so on his bday, he probably has the most stress he has ever had in his life (or pretty close), between our personal situation (he and I are good, it's not a relational thing with us), him wondering if his parents are going to contact him for his b-day, anxiety if they do and massive disappointment if they don't, and the reality that they really are shitty parents, and that he has absolutely no family to turn to to even vent about it (he's an only)  except for mine (and we all know what a cluster-mess that is). I've got  no one to turn to to ask for help either and my family knows what's going on.  We both feel like orphans.

I understand what he's going through, I just wish there was something I can say to make him feel better, at least for just today.

[Cat of the Canals]

Happy birthday to your husband. I'm sorry he's going through the discard routine. That has to be especially hard on what should be a day of celebration.

I think those first 6 months to a year of coming Out of the FOG are the hardest. When you realize the true depth of their self-centeredness.

Probably the best thing you can do is just be there for him. Listen when he needs to vent. And remind him of the wonderful family you've created together when he needs a boost.

[Seven]

So the mail shows up today.  In it a greeting card with no return address.
He opens it, reads it, it is not signed , but in the card a check for an amount that equals $1 per years of age he is.

So MIL will sign a check for $54 (they gave me $100 for my bday) but neither of them actually signed the birthday card.

Someone translate the passive-aggressiveness for me please.  I can't even.  No return address, no signatures, and a check for $54. I mean it's not about the money, but why give your son less money than you gave the DIL that you hate?

I told DH that it's possible that FIL, who is the one DH is awaiting with baited breath for an apology, doesn't know MIL sent the card...so to stir shit up, he texted FIL phone saying "thanks for the card, just showed up today."

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm thinking this is a, "Well, it feels wrong to not acknowledge your birthday at all so... here. I guess." The fact that they wouldn't even sign the damn thing is another level of, "I'm only doing this because I feel like I have to and there is ZERO sentiment or care involved, and I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT." It's a Silent Treatment slammed door in gift form. They could have saved some time and just written, "We're still mad at you!" inside.  So vindictive and spiteful.

[Leonor]

Sometimes they do such ridiculous things the only way I know how to respond is with humor.

Like when my FIL called DH to tell him the hospital administered enema worked, my response was "No s@#t, really?" Or "Fabulous! And today I'm in menopause!"

This 54 bucks is too much to not make fun of. You could fold each bill into paper airplanes and send them, one by one, through an open window in their house. You could cash them all into pennies and gift them back at their next birthday (with extra years added). You could send a thank you card: "Birthday: 54 dollars. Passive-aggressive parents? Priceless."

It's so painful and I'm sorry. Maybe a little humor can take out a bit of the sting.