Community

[Coyote23]

Hi everyone! I've been inactive on the Forum for awhile, but I've been on this website for about-7 years? Maybe more. Both of my parents were personality disordered, my father was NPD, and my mom was addicted to alcohol to boot. My father died in 2016 and my mom died in 2017 (they were divorced by then, it was odd that they went so close to one another.) I went through a whole big thing with everything and everyone and there was a lot of upheaval and drama and arguing about money with siblings and here I stand at the end of it

TIRED

but also

LONELY.

I have one sibling out of seven that I still have a relationship with. All of my extended family on both sides have basically shunned me. A lot of the friends I had along the way were picked because my picker was broken and I recreated the same dysfunctional dynamics in friendships.

Somehow I married someone with no personality disorders whatsoever (I mean beyond how every single person in the world has a drop of dysfunction) and I have one daughter who is the light of my life. These two people feel solid to me. The rest of the world doesn't.

I long for a community. I miss being part of a big extended family for holidays and gatherings. Our family is amazing but feels small sometimes, or I want to include other people. But between the pandemic and the past, I feel isolated. I don't know how to make friends.

My goal is to show up for the people who actually like ME and nurture those friendships, and let my obsession with a large group go, because I keep struggling to make it happen and it never works. I'm going to take risks to get to know people I like who are healthy. I am going to walk away from the people who make me feel anxious and have manipulative or dishonest traits, even if they are funny, even if they are fun.

I'm going to work on my social anxiety and not let it get in the way. Same with my self esteem.

Thanks for listening. =)

[SonofThunder]

Coyote23, welcome to our group here at Out of the FOG.  I'm glad to read you believe your current small family is solid, but sorry you are feeling tired and lonely.  It surely seems you have been through a lot in your life and also even more in the last 5 years, so tired would be surely expected. 

Reading that you have been inactive here but also reading here for a number of years, I point to the Out of the FOG toolbox to keep your tools sharp and at the ready, as you venture into your new adventure of meeting new people and developing friendships. 

Again welcome to our fine group and we look forward to your continued interaction!

SoT

[Oscen]

Hi Coyote,

I know what you mean about feeling isolated after cutting toxic people out of your life. I'm at a similar stage now.
This sounds amazing. Good luck finding your community where you can be yourself and have nourishing relationships.

[Coyote23]

Coyote23, welcome to our group here at Out of the FOG.  I'm glad to read you believe your current small family is solid, but sorry you are feeling tired and lonely.  It surely seems you have been through a lot in your life and also even more in the last 5 years, so tired would be surely expected. 

Reading that you have been inactive here but also reading here for a number of years, I point to the Out of the FOG toolbox to keep your tools sharp and at the ready, as you venture into your new adventure of meeting new people and developing friendships. 

Again welcome to our fine group and we look forward to your continued interaction!

SoT

Son of Thunder,
I see what you did there! 😊 Thanks for welcoming me back to THIS community.

In my past here I spent my time on the P.D. parents board, then the siblings board, then the friends board. Now I'm almost always here in the Cafe, Working on Us, and Future Goals. It feels like developmental progression in working through this stuff. I definitely will re visit the toolbox! Thank you for the reminder. I have the Out of the FOG e book and it has mZny gems.
❤️❤️

[Coyote23]

Hi Coyote,

I know what you mean about feeling isolated after cutting toxic people out of your life. I'm at a similar stage now.
This sounds amazing. Good luck finding your community where you can be yourself and have nourishing relationships.

Thank you, Oscen. I hope you can move towards this same goal if it be your will. One thing I want to say is that there's almost always someone around to get closer to, that I'm not properly seeing, because I've gotten attracted to bright and shiny people with P.D. traits.

[blacksheep7]

Hi Coyote,

I am in the same boat as you, the isolation.  I don't have my FOO any longer plus I was the one that mostly entertained them. Being retired, I keep busy at home with projects that I had put behind in the midst of coming Out of the FOG. I also lost a few friendships along the way. 
Once my healing was done, I was really looking forward to go out and have a social life in either taking a class of some sort, dancing or other activity but Covid hit.  I'm not bored, just miss the social interactions (having a life) immensely. 

I can't change nature, only accept it.   It will pass like everything else.

[1footouttadefog]

I am in the same boat.

I have lost friends to death this year, I have become a big closed off due to covid.

I need a great reset but that is hard right now.  In the mean time I am also olYi g catch up on projects etc. 

[JollyJazz]

Hi Coyote23,

Wonderful goals!!! 
Being part of a community is just wonderful!!!

I'm going to take risks to get to know people I like who are healthy. I am going to walk away from the people who make me feel anxious and have manipulative or dishonest traits, even if they are funny, even if they are fun.

I'm going to work on my social anxiety and not let it get in the way. Same with my self esteem.

I think bring part of a healthy community is extra terrific for those of who have had a PD FOO growing up. I recently went to my event with my 'tribe' and it's just the best!

Good luck and I think you are doing all the right things, reaching out, taking risks and building yourself up! 

[Coyote23]

I am in the same boat.

I have lost friends to death this year, I have become a big closed off due to covid.

I need a great reset but that is hard right now.  In the mean time I am also olYi g catch up on projects etc. 

I am so deeply sorry for your losses. And I completely relate to being closed off due to Covid. I have trust issues to begin with, as so many of us do. Trying to understand other people's risk assessment and measure it against your own is EXHAUSTING.

[Coyote23]

Hi Coyote,

I am in the same boat as you, the isolation.  I don't have my FOO any longer plus I was the one that mostly entertained them. Being retired, I keep busy at home with projects that I had put behind in the midst of coming Out of the FOG. I also lost a few friendships along the way. 
Once my healing was done, I was really looking forward to go out and have a social life in either taking a class of some sort, dancing or other activity but Covid hit.  I'm not bored, just miss the social interactions (having a life) immensely. 

I can't change nature, only accept it.   It will pass like everything else.

OMG, right?!?!
I was ready to go out there, too, but Covid. Definitely bigger than anything we can control.

I hope you are able to have some fun with projects in the meantime.

Also, being the constant host is pretty tough so I'm glad you got a break.

[Coyote23]

Hi Coyote23,

Wonderful goals!!! 
Being part of a community is just wonderful!!!

I'm going to take risks to get to know people I like who are healthy. I am going to walk away from the people who make me feel anxious and have manipulative or dishonest traits, even if they are funny, even if they are fun.

I'm going to work on my social anxiety and not let it get in the way. Same with my self esteem.

I think bring part of a healthy community is extra terrific for those of who have had a PD FOO growing up. I recently went to my event with my 'tribe' and it's just the best!

Good luck and I think you are doing all the right things, reaching out, taking risks and building yourself up! 

Thank you for the vote of confidence. I'll take all the help I can get. 

[blacksheep7]

I am in the same boat.

I have lost friends to death this year, I have become a big closed off due to covid.

I need a great reset but that is hard right now.  In the mean time I am also olYi g catch up on projects etc.

I'm sorry for your loss, that must of hit hard.

Mine was due to longtime friends ganging up on another (my bff) because of a small meltdown  during a vacation. Instead of trying to understand  and support her as close friends should, they judged and criticized when I wasn't present.  We went to celebrate our 30 years of friendship.  Ironic to say the least.
I now know by experience that we see the true nature of a person come out when there is conflict of any kind.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there Coyote and others who have shared here so far,

I too have been around this site for a few years now - not as long as Coyote but a few!

I have found that the process of getting Out of the FOG has had these stages, and there was a stage I was at for a long time, where I really really learned so much and felt such relief by reading what others had experienced regarding PD parents, and dysfunctional FOO and ILs. Before joining this site I really had not had a chance to meet others who were in this same predicament.

Then as I become more clear in my mind, about how I had our own needs, and those needs were just never a concern for the particular people my FOO or other circles, the process got blurrier. Working to understand their PD was easier than sorting out the next step - finding community outside of the family.

Add on a pandemic and wow! It seemed challenging before but now with all the social distancing, so much harder to meet new people!

Something I've seen as I spend time reading through the boards here, is that we are all coming at that later stage in our own unique way. Whereas the first part - sorting out what the heck is going on with the PDs in our lives, we have a lot of similar experiences, sorting out what we will do with it is a more individual task. So it has been great to read what others do.

So many different paths are described here. For some, getting connected with their love of animals brings them to that new stage, where they focus on something they really enjoy, and let that PDs in their life fade into the background. Even though for me, going to (for example) ride horses isn't what will be part of my post-PD stage of life, it is encouraging to read about what others have found. Even if it isn't something I will ever try myself!

Sadly, I am not sure there are that many 'ready made' communities for us to join...I mean perhaps there are some, in some places, with some interests / hobbies.

Coyote I like what you wrote in your original post, your intention to have a friendship where showing up is valued. I am right there too with that! Showing up, being reliable, being respected, having my time respected, that sort of stuff feels so good, and to find someone who 'gets' it, I think that this is tied to a deep longing for respect from others. Nothing wrong with that at all.

And it isn't as common as we had hoped.

Attending online free Zoom sessions, as someone suggested, can feel awkward. It can feel like "why bother"? But when you have the energy to check one out, I hope you try it out. Right now those online Zoom things are ways other people are trying to find each other too.

Good luck!

Trees

[blacksheep7]

Coyote I like what you wrote in your original post, your intention to have a friendship where showing up is valued. I am right there too with that! Showing up, being reliable, being respected, having my time respected, that sort of stuff feels so good, and to find someone who 'gets' it, I think that this is tied to a deep longing for respect from others. Nothing wrong with that at all.

And it isn't as common as we had hoped.

Trees

     Some friendships are taken for granted. It is no give and take, just whenever.  One of near 40 yrs is partialy retired and I haven't yet seen her once since spring, this year should I say.  She has no partner in her life.  Just busy helping her adult 40 something kids....her one dd always moving so she's always cleaning, cleaning & cleaning. She does her dd housework every week with pay....if you can call that a pay.  She is used but doesn't see it that way. I used to see her more often when her kids were still at home with a dh too. Oh, she'll call but that's it!   I told her how I felt last year about not seeing her and what friendships meant to me.  Nothing has changed.  I dropped the rope, sadly.
She calls me for my birthday and the first thing she say's is «I won't keep you long, I'm busy»

[Coyote23]

Wow. That is some codependent behavior on the part of your friend. For a neglected child like me, the idea of someone cleaning their adult child's house is so foreign it makes my head spin. That energy reminds me of my friend who drops everything for her verbally abusive husband. Or my single friend who does everything for her sister with kids and her parents. I think dropping the rope was the wise choice, though I don't want to minimize the loss.

Coyote I like what you wrote in your original post, your intention to have a friendship where showing up is valued. I am right there too with that! Showing up, being reliable, being respected, having my time respected, that sort of stuff feels so good, and to find someone who 'gets' it, I think that this is tied to a deep longing for respect from others. Nothing wrong with that at all.

And it isn't as common as we had hoped.

Trees

     Some friendships are taken for granted. It is no give and take, just whenever.  One of near 40 yrs is partialy retired and I haven't yet seen her once since spring, this year should I say.  She has no partner in her life.  Just busy helping her adult 40 something kids....her one dd always moving so she's always cleaning, cleaning & cleaning. She does her dd housework every week with pay....if you can call that a pay.  She is used but doesn't see it that way. I used to see her more often when her kids were still at home with a dh too. Oh, she'll call but that's it!   I told her how I felt last year about not seeing her and what friendships meant to me.  Nothing has changed.  I dropped the rope, sadly.
She calls me for my birthday and the first thing she say's is «I won't keep you long, I'm busy»

[Jolie40]

Hi coyote

also, this past year mostly communicated with husband/child
went NC last summer so no more big gathering at holidays
however, as far as I know, FOO stopped the get togethers last yr anyway

one of my neighbors lost her husband last yr, so I started calling her as well as knocking on door & we talk outside, socially distanced

this led me to talking with other neighbors outside
this has made me feel more connected lately
many neighbors moved past couple of yrs so it's a whole new group of people!

do you have any neighbors that you can connect with and have a  neighborhood community?