Light Bulb Moment

[AsTimePasses05]

I just made a post about not knowing if my daughters father has NPD.

Making that post and looking up the PD kind of opened my eyes and made a lightbulb go off.

In reading the definition and talking to other folks on other forums has made me think that it's a very high possibility. Though I do know it's not an official diagnosis.

He would blame me for a lot of stuff. It was like he was never wrong. Or that what he's doing was or is never that bad.

One of the times that I left him he told me that he had no body and said that he spiraled down into using because not only did he have nobody, but I left him.

He guilt tripped me.

Even though I told him why I left was because of how he was treating me.

But it's not just about me leaving him. Any type of argument we had he would say all the things he's done for me, say that it's not enough, then somehow flip it on me and make it seem like I'm the worst person and how bad I've hurt him.

He would always mention how much he cleans for me, or that he's stays home to watch OUR child, say how much he's sacrificed for me and basically make it seem like I have no reason for being upset with him and that I was in the wrong for being upset with him.

I would tell him that I feel like he doesn't even care about me. Because he never makes time for me or his child. And anytime that I REALLY need him, he's never there for me. Yet I'm expected to be there for him all the time.

And every time I bring that up or any other issue, it's somehow my fault.

At some point he started "taking responsibility for his actions" by apologizing for them, admitting to them and saying that he would work on not doing those things.

He would be good for a few weeks but then go right back to how he was and treating me like crap.

Then acting like he never wronged me or anybodyelse. Or that he would "never intentionally hurt anybody"

And somehow I would think, you know what maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't have left you or did the things that I did. Maybe what I did was wrong.

And so I would change myself for him. Hoping that would fix things. That he would see that I changed and in doing so, he would change. I would think that eventually he would stop doing the things he's doing.

I would literally think that I was in the wrong for not sticking by his side while he mistreated me. Or feel I was in the wrong for trying to address issues. I would feel so much guilt and think that it WAS my fault for him doing all these things to me.

Right now I'm not sure how to feel.

It's taken me almost 12 years to realize all of this.

And now even though my eyes are opened , my mental and emotional health is sooooooo messed up.

I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. And I feel like if I get into one I'm going to be defensive about things. I'm not going to be able to take the things they say the right way. I'll have trust issues, etc.

How do I heal from all of this?

How do I find myself again and go back to being how I was before all of this? I feel like it's going to take years.

[notrightinthehead]

Sorry you had to come to this point. It has taken you 12 years to get here. Sound like you have come to the point where you understand that you have no control over how your partner behaves, and sometimes you don't even have control over how you behave. You might even realize that even before you were in this relationship you had traits that made you open for an abusive kind of relationship.
I don't know if this is rock bottom for you or if you will go back and give it another chance in a while - whatever you do, this might be a good moment to learn about yourself and your own traits, that make you accept behaviour that is hurtful or even abusive. This might be a good moment to be kind and loving and patient with yourself,  to journal, to get to know your thoughts, wishes and hopes for your future.
You might want to learn as much as you can about what you are dealing with, read the Personality Disorders tab and study the TOOLBOX,  you might want to read "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft and "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fjelstad.  But most important of all, while you are at this point of your journey, look inward. Pamper your broken soul with kind messages. Look in the mirror and tell yourself something nice.

[Boat Babe]

ALL of what notrightinthehead has written.

Please look up and get your head around trauma bonds and the addictive nature of the PD cycle. This will greatly improve your chances of staying free of him.

I fully get what you're feeling and send you much love and courage. Read people's stories here who are further down the path to recovery than you are. Very inspiring stuff, even as you stand in the ruins of your OLD life. Your NEW life is going to be so much better.

[Hazy111]

Any type of argument we had he would say all the things he's done for me, say that it's not enough, then somehow flip it on me and make it seem like I'm the worst person and how bad I've hurt him.

He would always mention how much he cleans for me, or that he's stays home to watch OUR child, say how much he's sacrificed for me and basically make it seem like I have no reason for being upset with him and that I was in the wrong for being upset with him.

I would tell him that I feel like he doesn't even care about me. Because he never makes time for me or his child. And anytime that I REALLY need him, he's never there for me. Yet I'm expected to be there for him all the time.

Trailer ;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hj9TjWiqiF8      About  0:52 in  Sound familiar?

[escapingman]

My uNPDw has apparently sacrificed everything for me and everything she does is for me and the family. Dare I say she has not worked for over 10 years and still pretend to look after the kids when they are in secondary school? I have her to thank for everything and she thinks I was nothing before we met. 

[1footouttadefog]

You don't have to go back to being who you were.

You will likely be a changed person.  Hopefully once you heal, you will be less vulnerable to abuse and manipulation by personality disordered people.

Start with holistic self care and nurture all aslects of your self, physical, intellectual, spiritual, social, artistic, musical, etc etc.

I hope you are on your way to your best possible life as your very best self.  Perhaps a changed and stronger more resilient self.

[AsTimePasses05]

Sorry you had to come to this point. It has taken you 12 years to get here. Sound like you have come to the point where you understand that you have no control over how your partner behaves, and sometimes you don't even have control over how you behave. You might even realize that even before you were in this relationship you had traits that made you open for an abusive kind of relationship.
I don't know if this is rock bottom for you or if you will go back and give it another chance in a while - whatever you do, this might be a good moment to learn about yourself and your own traits, that make you accept behaviour that is hurtful or even abusive. This might be a good moment to be kind and loving and patient with yourself,  to journal, to get to know your thoughts, wishes and hopes for your future.
You might want to learn as much as you can about what you are dealing with, read the Personality Disorders tab and study the TOOLBOX,  you might want to read "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft and "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fjelstad.  But most important of all, while you are at this point of your journey, look inward. Pamper your broken soul with kind messages. Look in the mirror and tell yourself something nice.

Thank you. Really thank you. I appreciate you saying this. I'm still processing everything and I just feel a little numb.

I think you may be right about my traits and getting myself into an abusive relationship.

I think a lot of that has to due with the fact that I've faced nothing but abuse and neglect my whole life. And I'm so ready to cling to love that I ignore all red flags because I've never had or experienced real love before. Not from my parents, not from the people that at the time I thought were my friends and definitely not from any relationship I've been in....well accept for one now that I look back.

I'm realizing now that I have a LOT of things to work on in regards to myself. I am a severely damaged person. And it took all this happening for me to see and understand that.

I do feel that me coming here has so far been helpful. And you saying what you did really made me think. Like really really think. And it helped me get to the root of some things that I was previously oblivious to.

I'll try journaling and I'm going to stop being so hard on myself. It's going to take time for the damage to be undone but I'm ready for this new journey of self discovery and healing.

I don't want to go back to him. I'm done with that. I just need to focus on myself right now and getting better.