“Won’t let things go”

[Fae Greenwood]

My marriage to a uNPDh has been even more strained lately. He finally asked me what is truthfully going on. We've had some very tense conversations where I've plainly stated that I've known for years now that his behavior towards me is not consistent with love. It's not. It is consistent with irritation and mild dislike but not love. "That's not true" was the predictable response. Now, today, my problem is that I "won't let things go." I used to do that. Then this pressure built up on me and I began to pay attention to why I was feeling so down about myself and about my marriage. I began to notice how dismissive he was of me and my concerns. I talked to him and got gaslighted because of course he never calls my opinion stupid or storms at me in a public place or belittles me to our adult children so that wouldn't stop. I asked for more positive behaviors. I even made a checklist of little things he could do each day to improve our marriage, little scraps of attention no one should beg for, like holding my hand or kissing me hello or goodbye or letting me sit next to him to watch tv. The list was ignored completely. "You have to take care of that for yourself." What does that even mean? I now understood that I was held responsible for the  entire relationship. Not most of it, as I thought, but he has no responsibility at all except to bring home the paycheck. So yes, I began to notice why I was already angry. I'd let things go and now I couldn't because I had no extra for him to take. He was cutting out not fat but muscle and bone now. But it is evidently my fault. What a jerk.

[square]

I'm sorry.

I do relate with some of that.

My take is, he's given you his answer. You have asked politely for things to improve the relationship, he has said no, you have to meet your own needs.

You two are now acquaintences. Even friends, much less a spouse, can ask some things of each other. Acquaintences do not have any bond, they are just people to say hi to and maybe chitchat. They can be fun but there is nothing more than that.

You can't make him be anything more than that. You can control how you respond to it. You can decide if it's enough for you.

Explaining how he makes you feel clearly won't work, so save yourself the grief.

I'm sorry, I know exactly how much it hurts.

[1footouttadefog]

You have to take care of that your self,


Being that marriages are about havi g an intamacy partner thst is not entirely unlike being told to go F yourself.

I would be quoting that everytime he wanted sex.

[notrightinthehead]

Many many years ago when I had still hope that I could fix my marriage, I told my NPDh that I needed some compliments from him in addition to the abundant criticism.  Boy did that blow up in my face! "Compliments! Compliments" he would mock me in a high disdainful voice. "Who is giving me compliments! Who needs compliments at your age!" I  repeatedly had opportunities to regret having stated that need.

You have given your husband a chance by telling him what you need from him. He has told you what he willing to do. Believe him.  I know it is so painful to accept reality.  Big hug to you.

[Lauren17]

Fae, I'm very sorry you're going  through this.
I've heard the "won't let things go" response many times over the years and I know how infuriating it is.
Back when I still thought I could rationalize him into admitting his bad behavior, I asked him this.
"Just to be clear. You're saying the problem isn't that you lied to me, but that I won't let it go. Is that right?"
He looked me dead in the eye and smugly said yes.
I know all too well the feeling of having nothing left to give.
Please consider doing something kind for yourself.

[square]

Yeah, I've had that conversation too.

And he 100% believed it.

[anotherroad]

I'm there. I currently have three notes to myself on my desk...
1. Change occurs at the speed we want to experience the consequences.
2. Blaming someone else for why things happen slows down the speed at which the next phase of life happens (You stay in a certain reality, other people pay the price, and you don't care)
3. Don't be afraid to let your world change- that's what you are here for.

I am on the fence about whether to stay or go. I know that when I am  ready for change, I will do so without a road map for what happens next. I feel like I am being narcissistic- taking everything personally- when in fact he is living his life with little thought as to how it effects me... except to keep me 'happy enough' to stay. I believe he is much better at getting his needs met then I am. I'm feeling the victim these days, and speaking to myself with my victim voice. The victim allows us to destroy- ourselves and others. So while I suffer feeling victimized, I in my own way am making him pay as well- letting him know I am angry, or sad or depressed. I am holding him as much hostage as he is holding me... and if I know that, it is my integrity that is in question. I know I should never hold someone else hostage to serve me- but repeating these behaviors are doing just that. Ugh.