Breaking point - Part 2

[hhaw]

EM:

Remember to always always speak about your stbx w with compassion. She's the mother of your children and the kids deserve a neutral parent who doesn't demand they choosed sides or attack the other parent.  The GC will choose her mother, bc her mother offers conditional love where she knows you'll always love her.  It's a very sad and difficult place to live for both your children. 

How can you make their lives less chaotic, less stressful, less combative INSIDE the adult conflict?

Leaving.  Providing a calm space where the kids can decompress and be honest without being judged, asked to choose sides or admit their mother is disordered and harmful, bc she'll always be their mother.  You let those kids know you'll never ask them to choose.  Things will be different when you live apart, but everyone will be OK.

Mom is in charge of her adult stuff.  You're in charge of your adult stuff.

The kids have their own jobs and that's school, chores and finding their passions, bc they have lives to build into adulthood, their own households, families of their own and that's something they should think about.

WHAT do these kids want for themselves as adults? For their own children, if they have them?

Those are the kinds of questions I'd ask and I'd just listen...... never commenting when they touched on something negative their mother does, bc it will make the SG defensive and shut down, likely. 

You aren't going to fix her. Your'e going to hold safe space for her to feel safe enough to speak without fearing you'll tell her mother what she said and get her in trouble. Don't ever betray her trust. That will be difficult the STBX's behavior is uhinging stuff, IME.

Just cultivate being calm, consistent dad.  Put stated boundaries in place and hold them gently, without emotional energy.... very calm and consistent. 

Your SG child already speaks honestly with you and understands the separation and divorce will benefit her and you, but once you file... her mother is going to up the emotional terrorism.  How can you mitigate that and be proactive about it?

I think you said you and your SG child have a T?  If not, it's time to find ones who're Trauma Informed...EMDR is a good tool, IME.

Preparing yourself and your SG is something you CAN do.

Preparing your stbx and GC is likely not something you can do without compromising your mission and emotional safety, perhaps physical safety.

DOCUMENT
DOCUMENT
DOCUMENT

Get a plan together.

Share these plans ONLY with trusted few people you can count on come hell or high water. 

Hide your evidence well...maybe leave with a family member or friend.  I think moving IN with a very steady person or family, at first at least, is a good thing, bc it offers witnesses, people who won't put up with PD outbursts...... people who can bring you back to earth when your PD sets you on fire and sends you spinning into fight or flight mode.

Be prepared to put boundaries in place with the GC around her abusive conduct towards you.  Her mother is directing it BUT SHE'S STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR HER BEHAVIOR.  I wouldn't tolerate it.... I'd think of a plan to return her to her mother, with kind words and sadness you couldn't have a nice visit, bc she wasn't able to honor your stated boundaries.

You're teaching both chldren about healthy boundaries when you practice and enforce them, IME.

Having these interactions recorded, or witnessed, is something a Court can understand, IME.  You can't lose your temper or say snarky things or be unkind in speech about your stbx during these interactions.

You CAN say you're sorry your GC feels the way she does. You CAN tell her you love her always and forever, no matter what and yu will never ask her to choose between her mother and you. 

You CAN say you'll support her mother in being the best possible mother she can be and you hope she can support you as a father.

You CAN remind your GC.... the adult conflict is not HER conflict.  It's up to the adults to solve these issues and they will be solved, even if her mother is asking her to take sides and join the conflict..... that's a very sad choice her mother is making and it's truly NOT GC's job to deal or think about the adult stuff.  HER JOB IS kids stuff.... school, chores and finding her passions. That's it. 

I'd refer to all of STBX's emotional terrorism as "sad choices" and I'd spend as much time as I could asking the kids what they think about everything. 

I'd listen.

I wouldn't judge.

I'd validate their feelings, no matter what they are, dependant on the GC's ability to speak without name calling, raising her voice or threatening you... whatever it is you feel you need to put in place to promote healthy boundaries and TEACH your children what appropriate an innapropriate communication looks like.

Your childen need to see functional and healthy family interaction..... experience it, even if the GC is acting as interpersonal terrorist in her mother's place right now...... you're always always consistent and calmly working at providing that stable space for yourself and your children.

I would think down the road to GC behaving vry badly in your new space.  I would limit her ability to terrorize you and SC child.

Document
Document
Document

Having mental health professionals documenting, suggesting good strategies AND BACKING YOU UP in court and in front of attorneys and to the STBX is imperative.

Your children need advocates and so do you.

Think ahead to Ts who testify and have the ABILITY to tesify well.  Some are very bad at it, IME.  Some are intimidated by PDs and being sued and sometimes physical fear of the PDs.  Think things all the way to that last trial........ what you NEED in place to SHOW THE COURT, wtihout regret, what your reality is.

What do you neeeeeeeed in the settlement? 

Everything needs to be framed around what's best for the children, the children, the children.

Just bc you lose your temper ONCE with the PD doesn't mean anything.  This is a long game. You'll have good and bad days and everything in between so accept this will be a long messy slog.

Think about how  you can do everything you can in the moment, PUT THE DIVORCE and everything STBX on the shelf and create JOY with your children.... or the SG if the GC makes sad choices requiring she be removed from a visit till she fully understands her father can and will enforce boundaries in a loving, consistent and gentle way.... always expressing sadness when she makes sad choices and letting her know you hope she makes happier choices, bc you believe in her....you know she can do it...... she doesn't have to choose between her parents, bc that would be a cruel and abusive thing to ask of a child...... she's free to take care of herself, but she's not responsible for any adult or adult stuff. 

I know you'll do this and I wish you the best possible outcome, EM.