New, hello! Realising I have *two* narc parents

[lilith]

Hi everyone, I'm extremely glad to be here. I'll try to be brief when introducing myself. Thank you in advance for reading

I joined this forum because I am trying for the second (and god help me, the last) time to move out of my mother's house. I have known for a long time that my father is a covert narc, I would say full-blown NPD. But it's the dawning realisation that my "sane parent", his codependent, is possibly worse, has done more damage, is more malignant towards me - that's the realisation that is crushing me. I have already made up my mind to leave, and I have a plan, but the self-gaslighting, the rumination, the toxic loyalty, means that I haven't mentally disconnected from her as hard as I try. That's where I'm hoping for some support.

My childhood was not normal by any measure. I am a woman and now in my early 30s. I was raised homeschooled fundamentalist Christian, in the style of the American evangelical cults. I now realise the homeschooling was yet another way for both parents, but especially my mother, to have total control over every aspect of our lives. I was the oldest of four, trained early to be the responsible, selfless, domesticated doormat oldest female child. I don't ever remember feeling like a child. I was always groomed to be a mini-adult, giving everything while asking nothing.

The worst part of my relationship with my father was the emotional incest when I was a late teen. At 16 I fell very ill with the conditions I still have. With his unfailing predator instinct to find the weak and vulnerable, he made me his surrogate spouse and therapist. This was the worst part of my life and I remember one day in the car with him, debating whether I should open the door and hurl myself out of the speeding car into the oncoming traffic. I didn't, and I hated myself even more for not doing it.

My mother pretended not to know. Her eternal excuse is that she's too stressed, she's the victim, and she can't cope with it. That was her excuse my whole life whenever I needed attention, love, help, anything. Looking back, both my parents had an emotionally incestuous relationship with me from very young. They just couldn't stop themselves from using me as a dumping-ground for their fears, cynicisms, frustrations, etc.

For a long time I understood my mother as the codependent: controlling, passive-aggressive, but basically sane. But now, since I've been back home for a few years, she treats me worse than ever. Life with her is a never-ending silent treatment; I am constantly scrutinised but totally invisible at the same time. She gives tasks that are tests of my compliance. If I fail, she has a reason to resent me. If I pass, she hates me for not giving her a reason to resent me.

She cannot tolerate any individuality, any difference in me. It's an understatement to say I'm the black sheep in this conservative family. I've never come out as an atheist, but she basically knows, and she treats me like I'm a hostile alien. And I won't even start on the medical abuse. She is a nurse, but she hardly takes care of me at all. I genuinely have difficulty taking care of myself - I'm mostly housebound with conditions that cause severe exhaustion and excruciating pain, including endometriosis. I remember once when I was in 10/10 pain, screaming in agony, begging to die, throwing up from all the opioid pain meds, and she was arguing with me, "don't call the ambulance, they can't do anything for you." I think she just didn't want to spend the day sitting around at the hospital when I was going to be in pain either way. I will never, ever forgive her for that. She is more invested in her diabetes patients than she is with me. She cares about them. And she gets angry and passive-aggressive when I don't help make dinner - when most days I don't have the energy to shower. She expects me to watch her face and read her mind, but she can see pain all over my face and turn away without a word.

I'm living in hell.

I'm trying so, so hard to get my life together so I can leave. I'm trying to work on my insomnia, finding better pain relief, getting the benefits I need, find house-sitting jobs since it's almost impossible to pay rent on the sickness benefit where I live. One of the things that bothers me most is the brain fog. My dog died of cancer a few months ago. He was my best friend, my only friend really, and I can hardly remember him. I have almost no long term memories. I can't remember what happened yesterday. My life is one big grey blur. Every day I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like I died a long time ago but I'm still alive to witness my own death. I fail at the smallest tasks. I know I'm depressed but I can't seem to help myself enough to change anything. I have a good therapist, but I can't afford to see her.

My tendency is to isolate myself, so I'm trying to go against that so I can meet people who understand.

Anyway, this is by far long enough. If you read all of this, thank you. I appreciate you. 

Lilith

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh Lillith, welcome! I cannot imagine what it is like to be in so much pain, physically and emotionally. I am sorry and I lack the words.  It sounds like you are working on your escape and I keep my fingers crossed for you. I hope you continue posting and I hope you will find some support and information on this site. Have you checked out the toolbox? You might find some helpful strategies described there.  Hopefully we can be of some help for you!