Good morning

[Dat2102]

Good morning and greetings:

I have been in a marriage with a Dependent Personality (confirmed professional diagnosis) spouse for 5 years.  Some of the features include BPD traits such as an extreme fear of abandonment, and very manipulative behaviors I can't go on with it for many reasons, the most critical is that I am spending several hundred to a thousand more per month than the household earns. It is slowly wiping out our savings.

I have bailed my spouse out financially more than once. Recently, my spouse declared bankruptcy. We are legally separated to protect my assets from liens, creditors, etc. My spouse has SSDI income, but does not contribute to the household. This was the third bankruptcy. Ive had to "circle the wagons" around what's left. I have had our joint bank accounts drained and closed, family heirlooms of an irreplaceable nature removed from the house, and hidden as a way to bully me into their demands; and cash advances made as an authorized user of my credit card. The marriage has cost me tens of thousands over a relatively short period. Fortunately, everything is completely separated now. So I feel safer.

I want to ask my spouse to leave and finalize the divorce, but this terrifies me: when my spouse fears abandonment, they get explosively angry and does the types of things I mentioned, and more. I'm afraid of the "domestic theft", anger, and bullying. Not to mention the fact that I have no idea how to evict a separated spouse from my house. Of course I would give notice and want to do it in a fair manner.

I'm just worn out: it's exhausting. My heart says, hang in there, it'll get better. But it never does. But ending the marriage terrifies me, as I'm always portrayed as the problem person and am blamed for everything in our mind-numbing twisted circular arguments.  I fear all hell will break loose if I express my desire to move from separation to divorce.

Thanks for reading my intro.

—DAT

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh, what a difficult situation to be in! Welcome to this supportive and informative space.  I am glad to read that you have managed to protect yourself financially now after great losses. Sadly, our PD partners often refuse to see that they have contributed anything to the failure of the relationship and put the blame wholly on us so vehemently that the healthy partner can start to feel doubts about what we otherwise perceive as reality. We are deep in the FOG - feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt.
As you already know that your partner reacts badly when the possiblity of abandonment arises, you might want to tread very carefully and guard as much as you can. Please read the toolbox for strategies that might be helpful for your situation.  See you around on the boards!

[lilith]

Good evening! Nice to have you here. I'm brand new as well

I'm so sorry you are in such a horrific situation. It sounds like you care for you partner and want to do the right thing. That should encourage you when you doubt yourself or they try to gaslight you into believing you are being mean/aggressive/whatever. Quite the opposite, it sounds like you have put up with really extreme behaviour. And it's possible that your spouse is using your good nature, and your desire to make the relationship work, against you.

You deserve a life that is free from such horrible abuse and chaos. Whether your spouse is fully cognizant of their actions, or has some remorse from time to time, is beside the point - their actions are destroying your life. It's okay to be "selfish" and cut yourself free. Because it sounds like it won't get better. Life rarely does with personality disordered people.

It sounds like you need a really strong, robust plan of action to free yourself. I imagine lawyers, therapists, and others will be of great help here. The more you can have a plan and a strategy, and the more you can lay out "what is the worst case scenario?" and then "what would I do in that situation and who could help me?", the more you can have confidence that you're prepared, and you have a defence against the chaos and lies your partner will probably bring to the table.

Best wishes my friend 

[Dat2102]

Yes, I've definitely thought of retaining a lawyer. I just don't know what kind. Definitely someone familiar with PDs and how PDs are experts at "flying under the radar." Everything gets twisted: if I explain rationally and calmly that I am merely protecting valuable assets from creditors, I'm accused of being hurtful and therefore abusive. Even though my partner is living rent free in a home that I am solely responsible for! Plus, I get numerous spam calls about debt relief ever since her bankruptcy filing.

If I ask when she'll be back so I can cook dinner and know when to have it ready, I'm "stalking" and therefore "abusive."

There's a total lack of insight on her part. She keeps referring to her ADHD, or depression (which she calls "situational", as if external factors, not the illness of Major Depressive Disorder are the causes. This, knowing that she and a number of other family members with PDs, spanning generations, including BPD.

As for me, I struggle with MDD, and it took me years before I stopped blaming the whole world, looked in the mirror, and asked THAT person, "so how do I fix my problem?" She's nowhere near there. But I do know what it's like to have a mental illness Dx with absolutely no insight. So I can definitely sympathize. She must be bewildered by her experience, and why the world to her mind seems hostile.

Anyway, I wanted to keep this gender neutral, but that's too tedious.

BTW, I've grilled my counselor on if I might have a personality disorder, (I had thought maybe Schizoid, since I'm VERY introverted and prefer ample alone time.) But I don't come close to the criteria, especially because I enjoy close relationships—just not many or frequently. I'm a very quiet and private person. So I find posting like this pretty intimidating.

So my biggest issue is finding a lawyer who can navigate a potentially volatile or dangerous eviction. I've seen what false accusations can do: it's always guilty until proven innocent, and it's (I believe) the "nuclear option" of last resort for PD people who aren't getting their way. And she's shown ample willingness to place blame on me and others.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

—DAT