Struggling to stay away

[Startingover]

I have been with my narc guy for 9 1/2 years. He's married (please don't judge) and living 600 miles away. In the first few years it was hours of conversations each day, love, caring. Then it slowly shifted..."borrowing" 1000s of dollars, constant belittling, telling me what to do, using my money to travel and live a life outside his marriage. He'd get mad at me and walk out/hang up if I disagreed with him.
We were in love in college and then reconnected after 30 years, so we're not kids. At this point I can't have a conversation with him without him getting mad. I realize it's all about him now, not me. He groomed me to make him happy. Said he'd never leave. Took my $1000 because I was done with him.
It's day 5 no talking, although he texted a few times. I need help. I am broken. He broke me. I let him break me. I need strength.

[bloomie]

Startingover - this heartbreak is hitting you hard. I am so sorry you are hurting.

I am thankful to see you are coming to some hard, but important, realizations about this person and that they are harmful for you to be close to.

Do you have support in real life? People you can talk to and gain strength with? A therapist? A sister or trusted friend?

How are you doing today?

[JustKeepTrying]

I am so sorry for your heartbreak.  This is a great forum so please take time to peruse and read the responses.  I have found them helpful over the years.

The toolbox is amazing on the website side.  At first, I didn't get it but now after dealing with my ex for a few years the toolbox has been a lifesaver.  Read it - bookmark and reread it. 

Journal - You are in a swirling mass of emotion and it is hard to see the right side up.  Free journaling daily I have found is a great tool to really get at the emotion and behavior that I was dealing with within myself.  I finally put connections together when I put it down on paper and could make those behavioral changes that I needed in my life.  I just opened my word processor, closed my eyes, and began to type.  Do it however you wish but be careful you don't self-edit - let it flow.

You are stronger than you know and already you know this person is not the individual you loved in college.  You can do this!

[Starboard Song]

The good news here is that you know what you want. You didn't title your post "struggling to fix him," or "struggling to make it work." It is "struggling to stay away." Take a good long moment to appreciate that. You want to stay away, though you struggle with it.

I second the call for a friend in real life: one very trusted confidant. Such a friend can be tough when that is needed, but always loving. They can tell you when you are wrong without judging you for who you are. And they can remind you that you deserve peace and respect and love. Because you really do.

Consider asking that confidant to work with you on three things: a list of statements you know are true about this relationship, a list of statements you know are NOT true, and a list of things you need to do to make this change in your life that you struggle with. Your friend can point to these lists to steel your resolve, offer a warning, or give you a nudge when you stall.

Be good. Be strong.

[Startingover]

Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. It's been a difficult day. And I broke down trying to reach him to "talk". Nope he asks when I will get over my "hissy fit". Doesn't care.
Love journaling. I haven't done it consistently in years. There's something called Morning Pages...3 handwritten page daily. No edit, no hesitating. Just let it flow. Tomorrow I restart.
I have no close friends, in part because of him. They wanted me to leave him long ago, I didn't so I have more or less kept silent. All my friends say he is an abuser, some say narcissist. But I feel they don't want to hear me anymore.
You each are so helpful and inspiring. Thank you.

[Starboard Song]

StartingOver,

These difficult days can be the ones where good work gets done. This is truly hard, so it is OK for it to feel so hard. Please be kind to yourself.

We have a dear friend who knows she is in a bad situation. She says she is. She describes it. She says she needs to get out of it. We and her whole community are of one voice, confirming they support her, and that her plans to make a change are for the best. But nothing happens. Every other phone call is always another reason why she is giving him another chance, between the ones about how she is hurting and knows she needs to leave. She has faced a dwindling support group, and increasing silence, as people have determined she just doesn't mean to change. They were listening, but she wasn't. She may feel that nobody wants to hear her, but she's wrong. It is that we also want to be heard, and it hurts too much to see someone want to fix things but not do it. That's from my own real life. And we still very much love her.

Give your most trusted friends a chance. They may need to hear from you that you are turning over a new leaf. That you are, as you say, wanting to stay away, and could use a friend or wine buddy to help you.

While you look for that confidant, consider the story you will tell them, and what you might tell your own dear friend if they came to you with the same problem. I don't know what the advice might be, but you can learn a lot just by asking yourself what you'd say to yourself. Remove his phone number from your cell phone right now? Block him on every form of social media and email today? Only you know what advice you'd give, but that may be some of the best advice out there.

Be good. Be strong.

[1footouttadefog]

Stay strong.  Don't let feelings become facts.

Use your logic and take steps forward into your next chapter.  Even if you have to consciously sY to your self move, breath, etc.

There is some serious brain chemistry  for you regarding this relationship and your mind and body are feeling it.

Work on healing in all aspects of your life and gain strength from the things that are working.  Strengthen friendships, work, fitness, diet, intellectual needs, and engage with music art and cuisine. Keep your needs met while this one area of life heals and resets.