How to end this?

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

I've known this person half my life. Two weeks ago, she visited and stayed in a motel as she was keen to take the opportunity to get away while she could since we were not in lock down. It was also a week out from my birthday and she had asked... What are you doing for the occasion? I knew she would know the date by memory, but I acted surprised anyway as she claimed the date was locked into her memory. I said all I wanted for my birthday was to not be in lock down like I was last year.

A couple of days out from my birthday, I raised my curiosity with her as it seemed clear she would not have a gift for me or anything. That's right, was the answer I got. The tone of it evoked a message that this was deliberate of her and perhaps to get back at me over something. I responded with...F you then. F you too was the response I got back. And that was the very last I heard of her. I couldn't understand where this attack if you would call it was coming from.

I didn't hear from her on my birthday as I had expected. I just could not get my head around why she would ask if I had any plans for the day, yet at the same time deliberately intend to not send me birthday wishes. I don't know that it was deliberate intent or not, but the behaviour or action is not consistent with the words I heard. It seemed passive aggressive to me.

To make things worse, she has gone missing ever since and disappeared. She's been unreachable for ten days. Sure, I know the places I could find her but I'm not driving the two hours to do this, when we are in another lock down. This is not unusual for her. She's very good at avoiding me, cutting me off when it suits her. If it keeps me quiet, she has achieved what she wanted. And there is nothing I can do about it, leaving me powerless while she holds on to her power.

I just don't want to tolerate it anymore. It can suck the life out of me. I've accepted her silence now. I have no idea how long it will last for, but I've stopped trying to make contact myself. Whether she's blocked me, changed her number, I don't know. Why does this merry go round of emotional abuse continuously land in my lap? She is one of the worst things to ever happen to me.

[notrightinthehead]

I am not sure I understand correctly. Your person asked you what you are doing for your birthday and you replied all you want is not to be in lockdown. Then you found out that she didn't have a gift for you and you were disappointed.  You swore at her and she swore back. She has stopped speaking to you since then and you are wondering why. Is that correct?

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

Uh... no. Nevermind, I shouldn't have posted here anyway.

[moglow]

I guess I misunderstood as well, as Notright's takeaway was much the same as mine.

What I see is that you had expectations -unspoken- and this friend let you down. Had you talked to her about it, it may be there was something entirely different going on. Or maybe she had things going on that she didn't feel able to talk about just then? If this same cycle has repeated several times it could be she reached her end of it, or felt the need to step away from it for now.

We can't "fix" other people. We do have an obligation to take care of and mend what we can within ourselves. If we can't or won't tell others what we need from them, there's a tendency to keep repeating this same situation, being disappointed over and over. But remember, they aren't disappointing us, rather we are disappointed by our expectations not being met. There's a difference. Lashing out at others when we fail to see it through rarely ends well for anyone.

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

I'm not in a good state of mind at the moment due to several things going on around me not related to this person in my life. And I am very angry. I'm also angry with myself for the choices I've made with her. I've been vulnerable. But I'll forgive myself. And I was partly only in it for her young son who's dad is not around. I stopped feeling sorry for her long ago and feel sorry for him. Quite frankly, I don't care for whatever words I have expressed to that god damn woman. She deserves every tear she may shed over me.

[moglow]

Okay then. Glad you cleared that up.

There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable, for any of us. Try and remember, everyone has their own stuff and not everyone talks about it right up front. Far fewer can read minds and know when is/isn't a good time. If you want others to be receptive to yours, you have to learn how to receive theirs as well, learn how to tell them softly "I'm sorry, how's not a good time for me. Can I call you later?" Then step back until you're ready - or not.

I tend to give others the benefit of the doubt these days, but that took a lot of work on my part. I had to find kindness for myself before I could really extemd it to others. Everyone isn't PD (or the enemy) just because I happen to disagree with their behavior or having a bad day/week.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like a guy friend of one of my friends.  He will contact her out of the blue, seem to make plans to hang out then ghost her.  I am pretty sire she finally had enough of his abuse.

I am sorry you still find yourself vulnerable to an abusive person.

I think she dangled the birthday thing so you would hope there would be something, a call a remembrance, a lunch or a beer out.  This is to be expected under normal circumstances. Just more evidence of being victim of f pd nonsense.

I am sorry to read you have other aspects of life not going well at the moment.  I hope you stay strong u til in the other side of this rough spot.

Take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise and get sleep.  Then take care of your mind and soul also find good company. 

You matter even if you know someone who makes you crazy at times.