The last big hurdle after divorce ...

[Free2Bme]

Hello,

I would like to share where I'm at.  I was with upd/aspd husband for 20+  years, gave up a small career to stay home with 4 children, homeschooled, etc. (no regrets).  When I separated, I had no job or career to return to.  I agreed to a sub-par settlement just to end the 2 1/2 year divorce nightmare, and everything that goes with leaving a covert PD person.  I went back to school (at 50  ), graduated, recently passed my boards, and will start my new job on Monday. 

I will work in a field where it initially requires a lot of OJT to get my skill level up to par, it requires a high degree of speed and accuracy and responsibility (healthcare).  Its sink or swim and very competitive, I am outgoing and sociable, but not competitive.  I have been out of the workforce for a really long time (other than my 1 year internship).  I am not dreading going back to work, I will enjoy it.  It's just that I do not have confidence in this new field yet, so my anxiety is high. 

It has been a very. very, long haul to get on my feet.  Coming Out of the FOG, DS went through major depression, other DS was brainwashed and alienated from me by updxh.  The smear, excommunication by my church (for divorcing), flying monkey attacks, no support network, ginormous legal expenses, little income, 4 teenagers all with separate issues, my anxiety/depression/insomnia, two major water leaks in home, and 5 years of s*** breaking around the house.  I have repaired/maintained most things with house and acreage myself.  I've paid off attorney, bought a car, made improvements on my home, it'll be paid off in a year.

When I put it all down like this I cannot believe I have somehow survived and managed to get through all of this, by the grace of God.  When I imagine myself getting settled in my new career, it feels weird, like too good to be true.  I still fight the overwhelming feeling that something will go terribly wrong (with one of my children or the job), a heavy sense of dread.  I'm certain it stems from all the trauma.  I have been in T, but there has been so many issues with my young adult kids and updxh, that these topics tend to swallow up therapy time.  Unfortunately, I have put my trauma work on the back burner.

It is new territory for me not to be in crisis-mode 24/7.  There is so much attached to this final hurdle (the job).  For example, I haven't allowed myself to date yet.  I was focused on my kids and getting myself stable.  I didn't trust myself to handle that yet, still have some trepidation. 

I drove to the location of my job today so I would be familiar.  This gave me anxiety.  My big fear: I am worried that when they see my skill level, they will regret hiring me.  I am afraid I will not learn fast enough.  I'm afraid my anxiety about all this will paralyze me and I'll make a total fool out of myself. Uggggh 

If you're still reading, I hope this doesn't come off as braggadocious, or as if I am complaining in spite of these blessings.  I really am very grateful.  It just feels weird to sort of "arrive".

Can anyone relate to this?

[notrightinthehead]

Keep breathing. I keep my fingers crossed for you and wish you good luck!  Looking forward to your update how you feel when you have been on the job for a few days.

[Jolie40]

Free2Bme

reread everything you've accomplished & you'll see you're determined, persistent, a problem solver, able to learn & focus

you have the ability to learn on the job

relax & enjoy the fruits of your labor (getting through school/internship) as you begin your new job
you've got this!

[JustKeepTrying]

Free2Bme,

I am in awe of you!  Going back to school at 50!  Starting a new career, divorce, and all that come with it.  Managing all the stress of the kids and more.  You are admirable. 

I understand that feeling of waiting for another shoe to drop - is it really over and I am really on my own?  That looking over your shoulder anxious hyperviligence feeling that I relied on to survive living with a PD.  Yup.

I too am embarking on adventure on my own this fall and that feeling you are describing is so very real.  I am struggling with the reality of it as my goal grows closer.  Like it can't be real it's just another dream that will be end up in the trash.

But look at what you have overcome.  Look at all you accomplished.  That is real and admirable and I am giving you a standing ovation!

You know in your head that you got this.  You know in your heart you got this.  I know you got this.

I am sending you hugs and buoying you from afar.  Don't let those inner gremlins win!

[Boat Babe]

This is fantastic news. A real credit to your courage and determination.  It is also a great thing for your kids to see. If you weren't nervous, Id be worried😊 But you don't have to let the old scripts hijack your nervous system.

An aspect of our healing shows up in how we learn to regulate our feelings when in crisis. I reckon you've got those skills by the bucket load. You've just forgotten that you have the tools cos you're getting an anxiety spike.

Go for a walk, in nature if possible. Do some slow breathing.  5minutes of mindful slow breathing can take you out of fight/flight/freeze mode into rest and digest. A much better place to be and where your front brain comes back online.

You are going to be a great healthcare practitioner. You will bring those all important skills of attention and compassion to the technical side of the work, making the experience so much easier for the patient. And possibly better medical outcomes too. You're going to learn so much too. How exciting.

Self care, self-care, self-care.

[Poison Ivy]

Congratulations on all your accomplishments! I think anxiety about a new job, in a new field, is very normal. I hope things go well.

[Free2Bme]

Thank you friends,

I hope I didn't come off as self-congratulating, it was not my intention.   

When I read what I wrote, I feel like I'm talking about another person, disconnected (that's weird, I know).

It's like my mind has been revving at high RPM's for 26 years.  I need to down-shift and remind myself that I am safe now and there's little that updxh can do to me at this point, he's played all his cards.   

I appreciate all of your helpful suggestions and the encouragement. I will be practicing breathing and watchful of those old scripts to keep my fight/flight at bay.

Tomorrow is a new day.

[11JB68]

You have made so many positive changes, this is one more.
Any job, any profession, no one knows everything and there are often more than one way to do some things. Be sure to ask questions and also not to be afraid to step outside your comfort zone. As a manager to less experienced folks I appreciate those who know when to ask, and also when they show courage in trying new things.

[1footouttadefog]

You have accomplished amazing things under terrible circumstances.

You've got this.

Wow home paid for soon, pay raise for life, then with no mortgage.

Homeschooling is not easy and you sacrificed a lot to do that.  We graduated our youngest from K- grad home school last year.

Just go in there with your head high and pretend it's pretty good until you know you've got it.  Being exposed to the skills, terms, and whatever, will cause you to become a bit more confident each day.

They will unlikely expect peak performance from a new hire. They know your experience level from your resume and hired you anyway. It's not a secret, and you are not pretending to be something your not.  They expect to invest training time in you, and picked you for that investment among others they interviewed.

Keep filling dathat little notebook of things they are telling you about and study it when you get home, lol.

I had a job once, where due to the circumstances I was unable to be good at it at first.  I went in everyday thinking I might get fired.  I needed the money and thought to myself, If I stay until 9:30 it's x dollars.  Then I worked at being there until noon to make x more etc etc.
I was a rural mail carrier.  The carrier on the route before me had driven down the left side of the road for 30 years, and tossed mail out of the left window, running the route backwards.  He quit, ie retired finally, over the new addresses being imolemented and being forced to drive on right side. I had to deliver from right side of car and from right window as is proper in the correct order.   From my vantage there were no numbers on the mail boxes.

To make it even cooler, it was close to Thanksgiving when I started so the Christmas rush was on.  And..... The Mail was in old rural box numbers and the labels on the case were the new 911compliant street addresses.  Even cooler yet was the fact many folks just wrote rr 14, and not even a box number.  I had like 30 houses with the same last name.  So I would get like 15 pieces of mail that said Pepaw Smith or Papaw Smith or Papa Smith or Gramps Smith rr 14.

To deliver that mail I needed to know where a man's grandkids lived and what nickname they used.  I had to use a yellow grease pencil to mark the boxes with both new and old system numbers as I figured them out.  I had to deal with people angry because I was late as the route was reversed order and telling me I was doing it wrong and I should not be delivering mail since I was not from there.  Plus with no box numbers and half the road signs missing and taking forever to sort and translate the mail and do geaneology to deliver it I was indeed late.  I found candles burning in boxes at the end or route and both laughed and cried at the same time every evening for weeks, as I drove through dark hollars with a giant yellow stobe making me feel very conspicuous.   One day I had three flat tires in the same day and locked my keys in the car changing the third one. I had to break a piece of rusty old barbed wire then untwist it and remove the barbs then bend it to unlock the car like with a coat hanger.  I had bought extra donut tires from a junk yard due to so many flats. People at the end of the route would be by their boxes wanting details about all the flat tires and changes.

Every morning I got there early and flipped through stacks of mail looking for matches between names on the box numbers and the new addresses so I could right box numbers on the slot labels.  In this cases I loved the junk mail because it had the new addresses, but even that did not help with Papas mail.
   Eventually I was able to tell the dirt and gravel unmarked side roads apart from shared driveways, and figured out how how to keep horses and dogs from biting my fingers when serving boxes mounted on fence posts.

  I had to drive in stop and go tourist  traffic for a bit before the first box, that was such a grace and mercy form God as I ate, listened to radio and unwound between office and that first mail box in the country without adding time to my day.


After that trial by fire, the crappy super visor wanted to get rid of me because my sorting time was two items per minute slow (had a relative of a friend he wanted to hire) and the other rural carriers threatened to grieve it with the union as it was not fair I had gone through all that to be fired over a small detail.  That was validating. His title was S. P. O. , but I remember it as P. O. S. for some reason.

[Kat54]

Congratulations on incredible accomplishments. You deserve to give your self a Pat in the back. And I thought I accomplished incredible feats by divorcing and buying my own home.
I already have an established career but I do understand your anxiety about doing well at your new job. During the pandemic half my department lost their jobs and I was in the middle of purchasing my home. Would I lose my job? Am I doing well enough for them to keep me on.

My only advice with a job, if given new duties that are unfamiliar, give it your all, learn as much as you can, always keep yourself loyal and valuable to your employer. And don't say, this isn't part of my job. Be a team player.

You've got this, and best of luck to you.

[Free2Bme]

Well I survived, it was very busy and I felt initially overloaded with all the "P's": procedures, policies, patients, passwords, protocols, and personalities.  It was like drinking from the water hose.

Overall it was good,  but I was acutely aware that I came off as unconfident, and fumbling at times.  My work was critiqued by my trainer/supervisor (politely), which is what I need to improve.  It feels really uncomfortable to be slow and in need of instruction (which is anyone in this field at this stage of the game).  I tend to expect too much of myself, my personality is very independent and I'm uncomfortable with people literally looking over my shoulder.

If I can somehow manage my anxiety until I am working independently, I will be alright. 

Training is full-time, then I'll be reduced to part-time.  I will need to add 3 additional certificates to be marketable and more hours.  I'm beginning prep for those exams today.  They want me to have these credentials within a year (which is almost impossible),  if I can pull it off I'll be golden.

Another blessing was that my DD16 has been super sweet.  She leaves me little notes on the coffeemaker each morning, and when I get home she has helped with extra chores.  This was a nice surprise, as she can be really strong-willed and difficult.

Thank you for your supportive words, it's a lonely road right now and it helps to have people here who get it. 
Onward and forward.