Learning to live again

[Findingme1991]

Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch and a fit of anxiety hit me so hard I could have puked. Suddenly I was worried about whether my yard looked good enough for the land lord and if everyone thought I was "trashy" as they drive by and then my mind spun to the undone laundry and messy house and I felt this huge wave of worthlessness wash over me because if I couldn't do any better than this... what was I worth?

I spent several hours contemplating those feelings and what they meant. The truth is... nobody said I wasn't doing good enough. There is nobody here to now comment on whether I'm doing enough or not. So why the anxiety? It occurred to me that I've spent so many years living with his rules and his expectations of what I needed to be and what our home should look at that I dont even know what is normal. Everything had to be so perfect all the time and if it wasn't, then it was my fault.

My landlord has a beautiful home but it's so messy (not dirty or nasty... just messy). They have a herd of kids, toys in the yard, grown up grass in some corners, goat poop everywhere on the front walk because they run a farm and it's ok. It's ok because it's their home and they spend their lives working on the farm and spending time with their kids. Their kids have a wonderful childhood, dirt bikes and swingsets and riding on daddys tractor and swimming in the pool with mommy.

So how do you know what is acceptable? How do I figure out the rules as to what's ok and whats not? Is it ok if my yard is messy with toys 5 days out of the week? Is it ok if my landlord pulls up and the mower is taken apart in the back yard? I've been told for 17 years (since I was 16 years old) how to live and what society expects from me and how life should be. How do I unlearn all this? How do I know how to be an adult? Sure, I can hold a job and pay my bills but I dont want to be perfect anymore. I just want to be happy and successful.

BTW my ex has NPD tendencies... never been diagnosed because he wont go to a dr. He knows more than they do and doesnt need them to "lie" to him just to take his money. 

[bat123]

These are great questions that I wish I knew how to answer.  I've been in a controlling relationship for 25 years with someone with high narcissistic traits, though I'm not qualified to diagnose anything.  I'm finally finding my own voice as I approach my 50th birthday, and not surprisingly the relationship is falling apart as I become more assertive, and more willing to define things for MYSELF.  I think that I was attracted to this relationship in the first place because I lacked the confidence to make my own decisions about many things.  It was very seductive to be with someone who seemed so strong and who confidently dictated how things should be.  But I now know that nothing is black and white (except for the basics like treating others as you'd like to be treated, etc.). For everything else, I guess you need to figure out your guiding principles for how you want to live your life—your values— and let those be your guide.  If your values dictate that childhood fun is the priority, then you're allowed to leave stuff in the yard!  I guess it takes practice to develop our own compass after years of relying on someone else's.  Best wishes on your journey!

[Jsinjin]

What a lot for you to unpack!   All growth related but also all good, even the anxiety since you realized it's not the right way to feel.

I have no idea how you will grow out of this but I'm almost positive that if you focus on the positive things that make you feel joy, work on the things that make you a success and help the people around you that a lot of the PD "terrors" will fade.   There may still be scars but you'll have your own skin!