If the kid doesn't cry, the punishment didn't work

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Writingthepain

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If the kid doesn't cry, the punishment didn't work
« on: July 19, 2021, 01:48:52 PM »
My npd mom always believed that unless I was crying by the end of an abuse/screaming/ character assassination/ telling off session then she 'hadn't got through to me'.

This belief led to hours and days of her making my life miserable, following me around the house screaming abuse at me until she finally pushed enough buttons and I cracked.

At this point, satisfied that she had 'got through to me', I would be allowed to cry for a minute or two before being ordered to stop. Because as I've stated before my mom cannot cope me showing any emotion.

If I was unable to stop crying after the avalanche of abuse I'd just received she would become enraged again and claim that I was 'only crying to make me feel bad!' , 'deliberately winding me up!' And she would threaten to hit me if I didn't stop.

Where did this idea of, 'your child has to cry or they haven't listened', come from?

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Andeza

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Re: If the kid doesn't cry, the punishment didn't work
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2021, 02:40:36 PM »
I feel this one. You've just described a portion of my childhood that I despise. Where did it come from? I believe in the case of my uBPDm, she didn't believe I was "repentant" enough unless I cried. What she didn't realize and would not accept was that my tears were never the tears of someone that was sorry. They were the tears of completely impotent rage.

This is still a source of extreme anger for me, and remains the most blatantly abusive part of my childhood. It is the reason I never doubt how wrong she was, and never doubt my self.

It's seriously messed up.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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11JB68

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Re: If the kid doesn't cry, the punishment didn't work
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2021, 02:43:26 PM »
uPDh brags that he 'likes to make people cry' or that he 'will make so and so cry' etc.
I used to cry when he'd get angry - then yes he'd be upset or 'feel guilty' that I was crying etc.
MC has helped me not to do this.
He also would do this to DS
My uPDm would make me cry too and then get upset that I was crying
Crazy-making

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Justme729

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Re: If the kid doesn't cry, the punishment didn't work
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2021, 09:07:09 PM »
Iíll never forget when my dad told me, ďjust cry and itíll be over with soonerĒ. I donít even remember the offense.   I was little, kindergarten maybe.   I was sitting in a rocking chair and she went to get the spoon.   I finally found my voice when I was a teen.   My youngest brother never learned this lesson.   I remember being so jaded that I told my brother the same thing and also standing up for my mom because he was being disrespectful.  I could go on, but donít want to trigger.

It is so upsetting.  It is never OK to hit or beat a child like that.  I can count on one hand the number of times Iíve spanked my children and I always feel guilty.

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JustKathy

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Re: If the kid doesn't cry, the punishment didn't work
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2021, 04:53:22 PM »
My Nmother got a huge kick out of making me cry. That may be one of the reasons I was the scapegoat child. I was a very sensitive kid and would cry watching sad movies or hearing bad news. My siblings never showed their emotions the way I did. Nmother knew that her verbal abuse would make me cry and she enjoyed every minute of it. They're truly sadistic.

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Andeza

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Re: If the kid doesn't cry, the punishment didn't work
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2021, 05:48:08 PM »
At the ripe age of fourteen, I learned how to not cry. I had been reading a book series where the characters were learning how to become adept at schooling their features and controlling their reactions and emotions to hide the truth within. I put it all into practice. Stone-faced, I would sit while she carried on yapping for hours on end. Stone-faced, I turned and asked "Are we done?" after she disciplined me one too many times... Scared the crap out of her. Things got a little better after that, but honestly at what cost to myself? What fourteen year old should have that sort of mastery of their expression and emotions? What fourteen year old should have to have it just to get by? The answers to questions like that are still a problem. I have a tendency to default to appearing "emotionless." It's not really fair to poor DH.

Still, I get a kick that I denied her the thing she wanted most in those days. My tears. :stars: Sooooo wrong.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.