How to handle THOSE types of comments...

[Cat of the Canals]

It's official. PDmil and stepFIL will be visiting for four days in September. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It's OK. I can handle it.

What I can no longer handle are the racist/sexist/homophobic comments. PDmil seems to delight in making the entire room uncomfortable with this crap, and her husband isn't any better, honestly. In the past, we've all gone awkwardly silent when it happens. But I don't feel comfortable with that anymore. Not in my own home.

Have you ever dealt with this and if so, how did you handle it?

I've considered playing dumb, as this seems to work well with men who make inappropriate sexual remarks. They get VERY flustered when you say, "I don't understand. What do you mean by that?"

Or is it better to be more direct by saying something like, "I don't agree with what you're saying, and in fact I find it quite offensive. I'd appreciate it if you didn't say things like that around me."?

[all4peace]

I'm a fan of your first option: Asking them to clarify. It keeps you clean and it makes them do the hard work, and if they want to talk garbage about other humans then I'm all for them doing the heavy lifting. If you come up with some good one-liner questions, please share them! I've longed to use the "What an interesting thing to say!" for a very long time now.

[D.]

Great question and input.  I will be curious about other ideas.  With these types of comments it seems asking the question and offering another perspective would be appropriate (we don't de-humanize, hurt, etc. other people with words in our home, etc.)   Silence can be perceived as complicity.  On the other hand confrontation can create defensiveness which isn't helpful either.  However, asking appropriate questions, setting boundaries in our homes for appropriate language, etc. is one step towards reducing cruel and hurtful language.  Perhaps you will have an opportunity to ask a question that  others in the room will learn from and have the courage to use in other settings.  It seems that is one way the positive change happens.

[nillah]

I've got a PD SIL and the best advice I got was Medium Chill (see Toolbox). The whole point of PD folks saying outrageous things is to attract ANY kind of attention. Once you give it to them, there is no winning. But if they do not get the attention, they typically stop. It definitely worked for me.
Obviously, you can set the boundary from the beginning: "I will not respond to comments that are sexist/racist/homophobic", or "I will not engage in conversations about that". You can say it from the start, and then stick to it.
If indeed your ILs have PDs, then I would advise to stop thinking you can change their minds by arguing with them. If there is a person in the group who is victimized by what they're saying and is non-PD, please speak to them separately and ask them what they need to go through this experience safely.
Good luck!

[Boat Babe]

Great question and input.  I will be curious about other ideas.  With these types of comments it seems asking the question and offering another perspective would be appropriate (we don't de-humanize, hurt, etc. other people with words in our home, etc.)   Silence can be perceived as complicity.  On the other hand confrontation can create defensiveness which isn't helpful either.  However, asking appropriate questions, setting boundaries in our homes for appropriate language, etc. is one step towards reducing cruel and hurtful language.  Perhaps you will have an opportunity to ask a question that  others in the room will learn from and have the courage to use in other settings.  It seems that is one way the positive change happens.

I love what you've said.

[Cat of the Canals]

I've got a PD SIL and the best advice I got was Medium Chill (see Toolbox). The whole point of PD folks saying outrageous things is to attract ANY kind of attention. Once you give it to them, there is no winning. But if they do not get the attention, they typically stop. It definitely worked for me.
Obviously, you can set the boundary from the beginning: "I will not respond to comments that are sexist/racist/homophobic", or "I will not engage in conversations about that". You can say it from the start, and then stick to it.
If indeed your ILs have PDs, then I would advise to stop thinking you can change their minds by arguing with them. If there is a person in the group who is victimized by what they're saying and is non-PD, please speak to them separately and ask them what they need to go through this experience safely.
Good luck!

Oh, I have NO interest in basing my head into a wall trying to change their minds. They've always been this way, and they certainly aren't interested in new perspectives.

Thank you for the "I will not engage in conversations about that" suggestion. That's really what I'm looking for: a way to set the boundary out loud for once, while staying in Medium Chill mode. And I absolutely plan on setting it once. If it continues, the visit is over for me.

[Andeza]

Mmm, suppose you could just out and say it. My endad cusses like a sailor, but I only take issue with bringing God into it. So ef this and that is fine, but if he breaks out the others I'll tell him "not in my house," or "leave God/Jesus out of this." It works, but he's a little easier to deal with I would guess.

[notrightinthehead]

Cat,  I got this from a book,  but can't find the reference -  If someone says something that I disagree with or feel offended by, I will offer another point of view. I will not try to change the others opinion or criticize them, I will just not let their utterance stand without speaking my truth.

[xredshoesx]

we have to deal with this on the job on the regular.  i've used all of the suggestions shared here with varying levels of success-  the best response often is WE DON'T SAY THAT HERE. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I told my husband that when he finalized the visit with MIL, he should do so by text so she couldn't ignore the four days we'd agreed upon. He didn't take this advice and relayed it by phone.

She texted today with their itinerary, and surprise, surprise, she booked six days. And it probably wouldn't have mattered if he'd done it by text because she already has her excuse lined up that the two extra days are for travel.    They love their loopholes, don't they?

The final day they leave at 6 am. OK, I'll buy that. But the first day they get in at 10 am. She said something along the lines of how they'll use that day to get settled in at their hotel, etc. But I know MIL. I already told my husband, "Do you honestly think she's going to be content to sit in her hotel all day? Or do you think there's a pretty good chance we'll get a text at noon because they've looked up directions to our house on their own and are now sitting in our driveway?"

I guess on the plus side, I'm getting good at anticipating her BS. 

[HeadAboveWater]

I can't take credit for this, but I recently heard someone @domesticblisters on TikTok suggest this "boundary phrase" for when someone says something racist or sexist and expects the listener to go along with it: "Oh, I think we've had a misunderstanding. I don't know what I could have said that would have given you the impression that I would agree with a racist statement like that."

[Cat of the Canals]

I can't take credit for this, but I recently heard someone @domesticblisters on TikTok suggest this "boundary phrase" for when someone says something racist or sexist and expects the listener to go along with it: "Oh, I think we've had a misunderstanding. I don't know what I could have said that would have given you the impression that I would agree with a racist statement like that."

I really like that one!