How to keep a narcissist around?

[Financial_ad429]

I've been involved with a textbook narcissist & avoidant attachment guy for a few years. He actually calls himself a sociopath. Would love to understand him better so I can keep him around. He's married but YEARS ago left his wife and child "for work" and will readily admit he didn't have to, just felt like it, for $/selfishness/freedom. He says he barely speaks to his wife, which I believe, if only bc he would call me every night when visiting his child for hours, and they aren't even social media friends lol.

We've been sexually involved but then he'll randomly announce he doesn't need it and reject me. He'll tell me he doesn't want me sexually while calling me for phone sex almost every night or asking for an occasional oral favor in person.  Tells me we are just friends, then gets belligerent if I admit to dating anyone else. Once he claimed he was really interested in some faraway woman, told me to find someone else, and we didn't speak for a while. During that, I slept with 1 person once after getting to know him for months. And when I later told the narcissist this, He freaked out and said he'll never sleep with me again because of what I did. Because of what? He specifically told me to find someone else! Yet he continues tons of sexual conversations with me, And obsesses over trying to find out details of my single encounter that wasn't him. Recently he said he was upset that taking me out to a nice dinner didn't seem to be good enough for me since it wasn't followed by sex. He says he just wants to be alone and doesn't want sex because it involves connection with another human, yet he texts me all day, if we go out then he'll start texting me again within half an hour. And some of that is sexual. Sometimes talks about how we "could've ended  up together"

I know he'll always go thru cycles of pushing me away, whether it's acting religious ("I can't have sex outside of marriage") or just disappearing bc he wants his freedom. But I really do love being around him & the highs when we actually are sexual are worth it to me. So how do I keep him around... knowing he's personality disordered and I'll never have him as a "normal" partner?

[bloomie]

Hello there. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of questions and have many concerns in your life. While the Out of the FOG community is a warm, welcoming and sympathetic community, we are exclusively here to support people who are struggling with a relationship with a personality-disordered individual.

We are here to support each other as we sincerely work toward healthy relationships.

So how do I keep him around... knowing he's personality disordered and I'll never have him as a "normal" partner?

The answer to this question is beyond the scope of what we do and falls outside of what this community is equipped to handle.

This board, specifically is for people in committed relationships who are seeking support and attempting to build skills to keep their relationships and families together - not for strategies and help to hang onto an unhealthy person because the sexual highs are worth it.

We ask you take a good look at the forum guidelines and description of what we do here and read through some of the posts on the boards and through the resources and decide if we are a good fit for your situation before posting again.

We wish you well on your journey.

[notrightinthehead]

Thank you for your post. It made me realize something about myself.  I think I can actually answer your question - you make him stick around by playing games.  He is jealous, so every time he cools down, you let it slip that you are interested in someone. Subtly,  just a hint.  You mirror him, he moves away emotionally, you move away.  Your focus has to be on him exclusively. You dress, act, do, have opinions and interests to impress him.  You remain a little detached and unavailable at all times. You are not that interested in sex and while it is quite nice, you can live without it. You have to play a role at all times when you are with him,  monitor him closely and change in a second when you notice a shift in him.  In other words, you have to behave like a person with a personality disorder yourself while being completely tuned into him. It takes a lot of energy and strength.

As the other poster above said,  this is not a healthy relationship and you might lose contact with your own true self while playing these games. You might also feel completely and utterly drained after a while. On this forum many of us try to heal from such relationships and what we have done to ourselves and let be done to us while we were involved in such relationships.  You might want to make a healthy choice!

[tragedy or hope]

Well,,
I read he, he, he, he he; not much I.  He will continue to do as he pleases.
Are you able to do as you please? Something is amiss. If you study this site, perhaps. you will be able to make changes that truly benefit YOU.

[xredshoesx]

i stayed in an abusive relationship for too long trying to make things work- the harder i worked to bend  and conform to my ex's ever changing expectations the more of myself i lost.

your situation is different from many of the other folks who are posting in this area of the forum.  the majority of the posters are committed to working on the relationship because of contractual/ religious/ familial obligations do not make leaving an option.  what makes you think you can never find a "normal" partner?  is there something else in your experiences that make this kind of discard cycle the norm for you?

[Financial_ad429]

Good question! I get bored and feel trapped by too much stability. My mom was pretty emotionally unpredictable so that's how I'm comfortable. I also enjoy my relationship w this man bc it's cerebral, a lot of game playing and strategizing, and I don't feel threatened by potential for too much emotional intimacy. I'm very comfortable with this, but excited by it at the same time, and just wish to keep it going. But it's so hard to keep anything going with an unstable narcissist with avoidant attachment

[moglow]

But it's so hard to keep anything going with an unstable narcissist with avoidant attachment

But ... you just said that's what you want. Does this all go back to, be careful what you ask for because you just might get it? I'm confused and even more unsure how we can possibly help.

[nillah]

I am not sure I understand your query well, because your most recent post indicates that you prefer emotional instability? I don't know if I understood this well.

Regardless, one question to ask yourself before you decide that this is something you want to invest in is: would you be okay if he treats you the way he's treated the other woman? Meaning, if you invest so much in being with him and he just ignores you and walks away or finds others ways to hurt your feelings? I have myself dated a narcissist before (though not NPD), and at the beginning I totally ignored the advice about him treating me the way he treated his ex, but in the end it was exactly the same. Except that, by the time I made this realisation, it was multiple years into the relationship and I had invested so much time into it and had to carry the luggage of all the abuse with me for a while. It might seem "cerebral" and maybe even "fun" for now, but it will likely take a toll on you over time. I'm saying this because as humans, we are not just cerebral, all of us have psyches/emotional selves. A lot of suffering comes from elevating one (intellect) over the other (emotional self/soul).

One other question to ask yourself is: why are you attracted to this type of person? Do you *want* to be attracted to this type of person?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm hearing, "How do I maintain enough control over the relationship to keep him hooked in?" Sorry, but that's not a respectful approach to either of you. I see the two of you manipulating each other for your own ends. And you at least are open about it, but my opinion is both of you deserve the freedom to be honest and to have a partner who is honest with you in turn. For all of us here who have been in this sort of relationship, there comes a point where "exciting" becomes "exhausting" and "life-draining." Check out the Cycle of Abuse and Push-Pull.

Every day you invest in this relationship, which I think you rightly identify as never evolving past where you are, that's a day you deny yourself the possibility of a "normal" and healthy partner. I agree with other posters that perhaps some looking at yourself may help as to why this is ok with you. You show some good insight as to how this is likely connected to your upbringing. We do lots of healing from unstable and emotionally immature parents on these boards, if you are interested in that kind of growth!

[Financial_ad429]

Thank you so much! I'm concerned about my ability to feel anything other than emptiness and boredom when I'm Not with a person like him. I once talked myself into marrying a guy who some people think was on the spectrum but was at least on paper a good catch and was Doing all the right things- committing to me, buying me a ring etc. but then he wanted to work 24/7 on extra projects he did NOT need to (just called himself a workaholic), And I felt so bored and empty and lonely despite being married. I would take the highs and lows with current guy over my marriage any day, and that makes me wonder if looking for something "healthier "is a waste of my time because I'd just want o

[GentleSoul]

I hear you. You are using him like a drug or alcohol.  HIs rollercoaster behaviours cause your body to release certain chemicals which people can get addicted to.  To fill the otherwise empty feeling you have.  This is how all addictions work.

Thing is, like all addictions, your tolerance grows.  The things that used to cause a a high or buzz in you from the stress chemicals release his behaviours create will get less and less. You will need more and more dangerous behaviours from him to get the effect.

There are 12 step programs available to help, if you want help.  There are other ways to live, if you want.