New plot twist in enFather's death, could use some advice

[JustKat]

I don't believe what's happening here. I just checked my sister's Facebook page and she's now chatting with SIL, her arch enemy, as if they're BFFs. They're now "family" while I'm sitting here suffering a complete mental breakdown. I mean, I'm not handling ANY of this well.

The only thing I can figure is that SIL, who is diagnosed with both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (and is clearly a narc) has managed to manipulate my sheltered and naive sister in order to cash in on some of that inheritence.

The other crazy thing is that a few days after my father died, my brother and SIL listed their home of 25 years, cashed out their equity, and moved 2,000 miles away to a rural farming community with a population of 300 people. My brother lived in the same city for 55 years, and abruptly left his friends, family, and career to live in total seclusion. Again, I think this was SIL's doing. My brother had become my father, an enabler who was being controlled by a mentally ill wife. She was an animal hoarder who wanted more space. And within days of my father's passing, she now has a farm. My brother has no online presence at all so I couldn't contact him if I wanted to. And I now know that I'll never see him again.

Meanwhile, two months into this and I haven't received even a courtesy notification of my father's death. I'm so stressed that I can't function anymore. I can't sleep. I'm having nightmares. I need help. I have to find a therapist who really understands narcissistic abuse, even if it means going out of the area and doing Zoom sessions. I'm scared that I'm going to have a heart attack and die. I can't stop crying.

I'm sorry for this rant but I'm so alone and completely despondent. I never saw this coming. Just NEVER.

[Boat Babe]

Not a rant Kathy, more a cry from the heart. All of this is awful and I, we, so emphasize with you. I really hope you can get as much support as you can right now, for your emotional and physical health. You are dealing with grief and betrayal and loss. It's so hard.   Sending gentle hugs.

[blacksheep7]

I'm so sorry Kathy. It's painful, I get it.
On top of the abuse we lived, we now have  the betrayal of the whole Foo.

My only sis who never had any relationship with brother 2, have been going to the restaurant for breakfast on the weekends.  Go figure their actions.       I fell off my chair when I found out.

[Andeza]

Yes, this is not a rant, it's a heartcry. I'm so sorry you're going through this, hon. We get it. It's not right or fair, and you're on the receiving end. Yes, please do find someone that is trained in how to navigate these very complicated grief situations. We don't come from "normal" families, and it's only fair to expect that grief is going to look different for each of us. What you're feeling is real, and it's a result of all the ping pong balls bouncing off you nonstop. I mean, one ping pong ball bouncing off you is difficult enough to deal with, but throw in a whole bunch more and it just gets exponentially worse.

I want to add... This dynamic that you're seeing on social media between uSIL and GCsis... It's not real. The impression of a loving family, of a sisterly bond, it's all fake. They are not sharing that special relationship that you might possibly wish you could have. They're just playing narc games.

[SunnyMeadow]

I want to add... This dynamic that you're seeing on social media between uSIL and GCsis... It's not real. The impression of a loving family, of a sisterly bond, it's all fake. They are not sharing that special relationship that you might possibly wish you could have. They're just playing narc games.

Absolutely! It's fake and sort of like high school. I was glad to be rid of FB, it eliminated me seeing the narc attention grabbing posts. Is that something you would consider? I don't see any of that crap and it's a big relief.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, I get it. It's so hard to watch this garbage. 

[JenniferSmith]

I was glad to be rid of FB, it eliminated me seeing the narc attention grabbing posts. Is that something you would consider? I don't see any of that crap and it's a big relief.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I know how painful it is!  Going to chime in on the social media angle here.  For all the positives many feel SM adds to their lives, there is research that shows it can have very detrimental effects on us. In particular, humans are deeply wired for belonging to groups (tribes), families, etc.  This is why many religious groups use shunning as a form of punishment.

It might be a difficult choice to make, but perhaps consider whether muting these folks for a while (or whatever tool would make it so you couldn't see their posts, etc.) in order to protect yourself.   

As you know, I have a lot of similar dynamics in my family, and I honestly feel that one of the most helpful things I've done is just to not use FB at all.  I literally have no idea what any of them are posting.  I feel like I'd rather not know, since I don't have relationships with them anyway. And for the ones I would like to have some relationship with, it would be too painful for me to see the way they interact with each other on there.  Its so easy for people to paint a false picture of themselves on SM, and I know I wouldn't be able to handle seeing certain family members putting this rosy picture out there when I know what they're really like.

If you find FB valuable for other parts of your life, perhaps you could just take a temporary break from seeing all their stuff. 

This article is about how SM can contribute to feelings of exclusion based on seeing information posted on FB by friends:

"Social exclusion, even something that might seem trivial, is one of the most powerful sanctions people can use on others and it can have damaging psychological effects," says Stefanone. "When users see these exclusion signals from friends -- who haven't really excluded them, but interpret it that way -- they start to feel badly." .... Results indicated that individuals exposed to social exclusion information involving their close friends experienced greater negative emotions than the control group.

source: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/09/180926153219.htm

here is another article about a research study which evaluated the effects of staying off FB for one month: https://www.salon.com/2019/01/30/a-gold-standard-study-finds-deleting-facebook-is-great-for-your-mental-health/



PS: Also, I know how hard it can be to remember this but their actions say everything about them and nothing about you. Your value and worth is in no way connected to how they treat you. I've had to keep reminding myself of this as I process how I was treated by my sibling during my father's decline and death. Sibling showed who they were, and that has nothing to do with me. Keep your head high and know you can sleep at night because you would never treat anyone the way they treat you. As the saying goes, when they go low, we go high.

[JustKat]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words of support. I can't tell you how much this means to me. Without this forum, and people who actually "get it," I'd be lost.

I do want to stay on FB because I have other connections there (friends, past co-workers, etc) that I need to stay in touch with. I do have my family members blocked and use a backup account to check their pages, something I was just doing to check on my father. If I hadn't done this I never would have known that he died, but now that I know, I probably need to force myself to stop looking at sister's page.

I think what's ripping me apart, is something is happening that I just NEVER saw coming. My sister is willing to break the law and commit criminal acts in order to take over my father's estate. Even though I was essentially disinherited, the will did state that money was being set aside for my brother and me to use for medical expenses. This money was to be distributed at my sister's discretion, so I wasn't going to get any of it, but I'm still named in the will. Under state law, she is legally obligated as executor to perform due diligence in notifying me within a certain time period. The first attempts have to be made with 60 days and continue for four months before she can take his assets. After that four months, she has to turn in paperwork, under penalty of perjury (a felony) listing all of the attempts that were made to contact me. My MIL died last year and my husband's sister was the executor. She told me this is serious stuff. You can be prosecuted for trying to conceal a death to run off with the money.

Sister has been living in a state of arrested development and may actually think this is no big deal and that she can get away with it. After all, Nmother got away with everything. Heck, Nmother probably told her to do this and assured her nothing would happen. But this is different from getting away with emotional abuse. These are fairly serious crimes and if I were to contact a lawyer, well, she's in trouble.

The darned thing is, if she had just emailed me with the news I would have thanked her and walked away. I had no intention of ever contesting that will. It would have ended right there and she could have gone off and enjoyed her inheritance. But instead, she's choosing to commit a felony in an act of revenge. Just... wow.

Again, thank you. You guys are the best.

[daughter]

Suggest you hire attorney to send letter to sis, noting her legal obligations and requesting copies of relevant documents to confirm req'd actions have occurred. You are allowed to object to her dereliction of executor duties.  A lawyer letter is inexpensive, and often effective prod.

Me too, disinherited in advance, and knowing NC GC nsis will do same shenanigans. My kids stand to inherit from my horrible parents.

[JustKat]

Thank you, Daughter. Yeah, I think I'm going to have to hire an attorney. I had no intention of contesting this stupid will but I do have a major problem with someone breaking the law in an attempt to steal someone's estate. I honestly don't care about getting any money, but I can't let her get away with committing a crime. That's a line you do not cross.

I never thought my GC sis would end up being more evil than my Nmother, but here we are. It sounds like your own situation is very close to mine so you have an idea of what to expect. There will indeed be shenanigans.

[blacksheep7]

I want to add... This dynamic that you're seeing on social media between uSIL and GCsis... It's not real. The impression of a loving family, of a sisterly bond, it's all fake. They are not sharing that special relationship that you might possibly wish you could have. They're just playing narc games.

Spot on Andeza!   They are just trying to show that they are family and stick together for better or worse without having any notion or desire to have healthy relationships.  Yes FAKE!
They don't know how and couldn't care less by letting everything pass.  We're the bad guys.

I don't go on Fbook often for that matter, every couple of weeks. I keep it for Messenger to keep in touch with family in Europe.  A lot of Fake on the part of posters that keep up appearances.

[JustKat]

Thank you, Andeza and Blacksheep.

My emotions are all over the map right now so when I see this stuff I overreact and let things get to me. Days later I'm able to see it for what it is, even laugh at it a little. These are two very ruthless narcs pretending to be pals, both with knives out ready to stick the other one in the back. Stabby stabby. Have fun ladies.

[SunnyMeadow]

Stabby stabby. Have fun ladies.

That's right! Meanwhile you're safe here with us. 

[Andeza]

Dang, made me think of that old song "Backstabbers" So accurate.

Your emotions are allowed to be all over the map right now. Perfectly fine! You need the time you need. And we're here to help you talk it over.

[JustKat]

Thank you so much, Andeza.

Now I'll be singing that O'Jays song all day. "They smile in your face, all the while they want to take your place, the backstabbers."