PD Mother Trigger

[Kat54]

I am usually posting in Separating and Divorcing or things with my kids. Though much of my relationship trauma began in my childhood as the child of an alcoholic mother who was diagnosed as manic depressive back then which is now Biopolar Disorder I believe today.

Life with her was full of drama and upset with her having some time spent in psychiatric hospitals from her suicide attempts. Her first one was when I was about 10 years old so while I loved her and she somehow managed to raise with my father 7 kids and we all remain incredibly close today.  She did ultimately take her life with a bottle of pills it left me feeling, well relieved that she was gone. At 28 years old when she died, I felt this huge weight lift from me but have it return when my marriage began falling apart.

The other day my brother found some old film footage from my sisters wedding that he had taken. My mother looked beautiful and youthful as I remembered her but hearing her voice has absolutely sent me into the downward spiral of past super bad memories with hurt, anger and guilt. Her drama was abound and constant, looking for attention. I hope and pray everyday not to be like her still. I didn't hate her but she could be so selfish it was hard to love her. I went through a box I have of her jewelry and her wallet with pictures in it. I want to cry but then I'm so mad at her for leaving but at the same time if she were still here today my life may be pretty different.

And today as an adult I do feel empathy for what she must of gone through. Maybe if I were a little older and wiser then maybe I could of helped her instead of being mad at her all the time. My sisters said she had terrible debilitating anxiety, which I didn't know. She always seemed confident and had many friends. Though looking back, drinking was her way of coping with her anxiety.

[square]

Maybe if I were a little older and wiser then maybe I could of helped her instead of being mad at her all the time.

Oh hon. I could not help my best friend at all, even though we were both kids... much less even the idea of a child helping their mother with a weight nobody can carry.




I thought for 20 years that I could have helped her if I had only been older, wiser, kinder, anything. I eventually found out for sure that I could not have. And again, this was your mother.

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry, Kat. To be unable to help is torturous, but it wasn't anything you -- or anyone else -- could help.  I hope you can recover a sense of peace.  Sometimes seeing a youthful, hopeful picture or image of my Nmom sends me into the "what ifs" and "shoulds," but there is no resolution there, just more grief.  Gentle hugs.  xoxo 

[athene1399]

I am so sorry, Kay. I think we often think there should have been something we could have done, but that unfortunately isn't true. This sounds like it was difficult for you to watch and reflect back on.

[Kat54]

I don't reflect on the past too much, the only way is to move forward, and remember the better times. Like I said, I certainly didn't hate my mother even though some of her actions were selfish because it was an extremely traumatic time during my childhood.

One episode my father had taken us out and we came home to the house being locked up so my father had to push my younger sister through a window but told her to open the door and not look for my mother... I remember him being clearly upset. He was afraid my sister would find her dead. She had overdosed and was unconscious in her room. Thankfully my sister did as she was told and opened the door for my dad. But stuff like that inflicted horrible mental scars on us.

I had not heard her voice in many many years, but while upsetting it was in some ways nice. Lol, I'll always look for the good.