Being manipulated to speak

[tragedy or hope]

Hard to explain... 
unpdh "suggests:" why don't you tell whoever we are with,  about... (names the subject). I don't even want to speak. Literally I do NOT want to say a word. I am already irritated that he has chosen a subject for me to speak on and that I am in a position to cause a problem publically if I decline, or seem to appear uncooperative or anti-social. Usually it is in a situation where i can't get up and walk away. In a car etc. I literally am enjoying my sllence and he gets me in a situation to force words out of my mouth even if it is no.

I see this is a point he uses when he is feeling that I am slightly out of his emotional reach. He has no problem making me look like the one who is not in a good mood, etc. then will say as much if I do/say anything but oblige him. It does not pay to tell him I will not do this if he asks again, because he will do it when he is feeling insecure and needing control... over me. Is this unique to my situation?

[Call Me Cordelia]

You could try, "Actually I was just thinking how nice it was to simply enjoy the quiet. Maybe later."

I don't know if that would work on him, but clearly there's an audience so if he has any awareness of how he comes off to other people he shouldn't push back too much. It is possible to stick to your position with grace, but it can be extremely difficult in the face of controlling people. 

Is it a common occurrence that you are stuck in a car or similar with uPDH and his would-be audience? Is there anything you can do to minimize those set-ups? If you have an exit you can escape! "Why don't you tell so-and-so about the charity Jazzercise marathon?" "Actually, gotta go, my guinea pig is about to spontaneously combust. Poor thing."

[tragedy or hope]

Good point and simple. the "why don't YOU tell..." which imo he would LOVE to take over ANY conversation.

One glitch.. his purpose is to get me to talk, which sometimes I don't want to do, i want to stay out of any conversation because it is all HIS doing. I may have to forfeit on this and use the plan B you mentioned. I really dislike being forced to participate. It makes me feel angry and manipulated. His method is coercive. In that it feels patronizing and demeaning. He knows there are things I care not to mention. Often it is something i learned or my accomplishments which if he were sincere, would either leave me alone or talk about how impressed or admiring he is of it instead of trying to force me to take over. conversation he knows on his own will go nowhere.

In forcing me to talk he is controlling my serenity and trying to get me to emote something for HIM. Insensitive. I see it as he is helpless to bail himself out of something stupid he just said.

I have learned that the person with the most anxiety will usually do most of the talking and/or be the first to interrupt a naturally occuring quiet moment. His anxiety is very high when we are with others and he commands just about all conversation.

Sample conversation...

If we are talking about strawberries, how they taste, if they are sweet etc. he will chime in with "I knew a guy once who grew strawberries. He invited me to his house to show me his plants. I find that strawberries are good with the cigars I smoke. I like ---- brand.
Did you hear on the news how---- smokes only this kind of cigar. I like to have a good cigar. My friend from.... (now moves into his past claims to fame) who used to own the biggest cigar factory in the world... etc.

So we went from our thoughts on strawberries to HIS friend who was the owner of the biggest cigar factory in the world.  The discussion on strawberries is out the window and we are left with him, his cigars, and his impressive (in his mind) friend.
exhausting.

[Mary]

No, it is not unique to your situation.

When you've been set up, I think the best thing is to give the most vanilla answer possible so as to not be abrupt or rude, followed by a question that puts him talking again. It's frustrating, when with others, to not be able to share what you really think. But it's his conversation, let him carry it.

Mary

[Jolie40]

"I really can't talk right now, got a frog in my throat."

cough, clear throat, or pop in cough drop

[notrightinthehead]

I found that being put on the spot like that only requires a few words before the monologuer takes over again.  So I  reply with something non-committal like, Yeah, that was good, wasn't it?  or Oh yeah,  that was something, wasn't it? and go back to my daydreaming.  If there is a brief silence it will be filled by the talker.
The good thing about the silent types is,  they can endure silence much longer than others before they feel compelled to speak. And I have been polite, I have answered the direct question.

[square]

Since you are being consciously manipulated, efforts to toss the conversation back to him may fail.

What if you make the brief statement, as above, and then toss it to someone else in the car?

H: And T/H, why don't you tell them about that time in the boat?

Y: That really was something, wasn't it? Steve, when was the last time you've been sailing?

[tragedy or hope]

Good ideas. yes, I need to quit looking at him weird and just go to solution. I need to get over the feeling part to the part where I take care of myself. Even if it means I have to speak.

I think when I am so set on NOT doing what he is trying to get me to do, it might as well be an argument. i will not win and I am better to take care of it the best I can. I see in focusing on it, I am also being manipulated. Bringing someone else into the conversation is a good choice.

[1footouttadefog]

I live this strawberry seque thing. My pdh has a story for all 50 states that lead to him talking about having served in VietNam.  He will use it at gas stations when he notices the license plates. 

He has so many other seques to get into talking about himself, and name drops.

I also get the tell about such and such.  Most of the time these are also used as a way for him to jump off to talking about himself. I am seldom allowed to finish telling the story he insisted I tell.

I want to find the school these people attend and shut it down. Not usually fir book burning but if there is a text book we need to find and burn all copies.

[tragedy or hope]

 1foot,

You made me laugh! If it were not so true it would be funny. So right on. Great observations. So much the same here. Thanks for the share.

[Mary]

There are several traits people have mentioned in the last month or so that are so specific, and so on-target for my uPDh. It really helps keep me sane to understand that these are common behaviors.

*My DH's segue's include food--from the salad to the bread to the steak to the dessert. And the restaurant rating, the service, etc. I'm so glad for this sure-fire, safe conversation carrier/diverter.
* Someone mentioned their husband has shown his true colors to several neighbors, and they want nothing to do with his religious advances. Ditto here with the men in the church we left.
*Another person mentioned the IDD (Idealize, Devalue, Discard) cycle. This is so true, even on which restaurants DH chooses. For a while, Taco Bell had a halo over it; now it's something else. Of course it's not so funny when it's people (ie. the men in the church mentioned above).

Thanks everyone for these insights.
Mary

[1footouttadefog]

I never thought of the restaurant thing as  IDD, but it's so totally that.
Thanks.

Mine does that also.  One place has had a halo since 1965 however, I am guessing that since it was his mother's fav and she is gone now it's in halo holding pattern.