None left to give

[Pepin]

DPD MIL has had some mishaps lately and without a diagnosis, it is unclear as to whether this is a new game or not.  I have felt for a very long time that her living situation was unsafe - it would be unsafe for me and many would agree.  But she has everyone convinced that this is right for her because this garners the most attention.

I find myself at the moment literally having zero to give.  DH even seems to be running out of steam but will only do what she asks.  Ethics is a word that means nothing here.  And sadly, I see it as a huge loss of dignity.  I really do.  If this is how she wants to wrap up the end of her life, it is her choice.  It isn't what I would choose - not because I don't agree but because she is causing damage to herself and everyone else around her.  It seems like a complete lack of awareness to most but actually it is cunningly calculated - and has been in play for nearly as long as I have known her. 

I am a little younger now than when I first met her and there is no way she couldn't have known what her end of life situation would be without the slightest thought.  She knew as soon as I entered the picture that this would be her biggest battle after I entered the picture.  She knew at the time that she had no control over DH and has been chipping away at him ever since to get rid of me.

I don't even know how to be there for my husband while he navigates her latest mishaps.  I have nothing to say.  I'm literally mute.  All I can do is listen.  I can barely even muster up encouraging words...I don't know how we are going to get through this.

[SunnyMeadow]

I feel for you Pepin. I understand you being so worn out that you have zero left to give. I think listening is about all you can do with your dh. How can you be expected to say encouraging word after all you've gone through with her?

I hope he realizes how strong you've been. This is a lot for you to go through. I think it's okay to have nothing to say. You've said all you can.

[Leonor]

Hi Pepin,

I just said those very words to DH the other day! His father is in the final stage of CHF, but after decades of chaos manufacture of every variety and degree, I have no empathy left beyond that which I hold for any living being. I have no desire to inflict or enjoy another's suffering, but I have no capacity to focus on, let alone alleviate it, either.

You have given so, so much, Pepin. Patience. Effort. Goodwill. Welcomes. Holidays. Visits. There's nothing left to give because there's nothing else to give.

[Hilltop]

I found peace when I stopped giving MIL so much headspace, it really wasn't easy to do but worth it in the long run.  Could you just listen and ask him how he is feeling about what is happening that way you are really simply supporting your husband with a problem he is going through.

Listen but don't bring it up and change the subject after a certain time period.  This is his issue to deal with, he needs to learn to put boundaries in place and if he can't then to a certain extent he will have to deal with that stress.

As for you it almost seems like a trauma bond where you can't let go of your MIL.  If she has set herself up to live in unsafe conditions this is not your concern.  It is your MIL's problem, she is an adult and she is not your friend.  I would not assume to know what your MIL thinks about you, that is only hurting yourself.  I heard a quote ages ago that 'other people's opinions of me are not my business" or something similar to that and its so true.  It doesn't matter what your MIL thinks and if she wanted to break you up.  Leave that toxicity with her.

The one thing I think I regretted the most was the time my MIL stole from me which really was my fault.  I spent so long being angry, upset, thinking of her, stewing over her, fretting, worrying, stressing, I gave my joy, my health at times and what for, nothing.  She stole my joy and peace and laughter.  The day I gave up on her and simply treated her as another human being on this planet I slowly got my headspace back.

Don't let your MIL rob you of these years, life is to be enjoyed, there is no place for stress like this.  So your DH has not been able to put boundaries in place, well this is his journey and his issue to deal with.  Sometimes its better to step back.  Let them deal with it together, perhaps he may eventually put boundaries in place when he realizes he is the last one standing in the nonsense alone.

[Pepin]

As for you it almost seems like a trauma bond where you can't let go of your MIL. 

Hilltop- This is really the crux of it.  I am trauma bonded against my will by DH.  Every time I have resisted going along with his actions toward her, he freaks out.  I don't think that my approach in the past served me well when I spoke up because he would crush me with his words.  Using feelings didn't work and it make me look weak.  Instead, I have had to use facts to set boundaries.  Though he has sadly tried to use excuses when I bring up facts -- usually generalizations...which means I have to work harder to come up with facts to dismantle his excuses for her.  Just the other day I admitted out loud something about her that I felt was a real medical alert.  And he actually finally agreed with me.  I strive to be ethical when approaching her situation.  I don't understand what it is he thinks I would have to gain from being like this?  The only thing I have to gain is getting back to having a "normal" husband - which IMO is my right.  The man that I married for the reasons that I did; not the man I currently see before me that has allowed his mother to tear him down like she did before he had had enough and left home far away for college. 

And believe me, I am disgusted with myself for even being in this situation.  It makes me feel gross and dead inside.  I worked so hard to get rid of my past and now I feel like I am in a boat with a hole again.  I don't know what it is going to take for DH to snap out of it and return to who he used to be.  PDs like DPD MIL are the worst kind.  I am traumatized that I find myself in this web again - that I made mistakes - because the boundaries I had before with NF didn't work in this situation.  I don't want to lose the man I married because of her but if this goes on much longer, I guess I will lose him.  *sigh*

[HeadAboveWater]

Pepin, I am so sorry. A close friend of mine is going through a similar situation with her in-laws, and I anticipate that my spouse and I may encounter it with our parents.

I have an aunt who modeled well how to deal with an older relative. The aunt was trying to set boundaries and plan for the most positive experience for her own later years. She sat down in person with the older relative and said, "Both of us are getting older. Let me tell you what my plan is and how I am going to take care of myself. I am going to make changes in my life [in x amount of time] that will limit my ability to care for you. Let's plan together so that we can make sure both of our needs are met." The aunt then had the difficult task of sticking to her guns and redirecting to the past planning conversation when emergency messages came in. I will say that this older relative is likely BPD. While the older relative can have waif-y tantrums, they are not a person who tends to rage or cut people off. Certainly, someone whose PD manifested differently would present other types of challenges to their family.

I am wishing you and your family the best as you navigate this challenge. I know it can be difficult in many ways. 

[Hilltop]

@Pepin.  Please don't say you are disgusted with yourself, you are not gross.  I feel so much for you because I remember how painful it was when my MIL was encroaching on my life to such an extent and my DH allowed it and there didn't feel like anything I could do because DH allowed it and didn't see anything wrong with it.  I get it.  I just wish at that time someone had shaken me to just walk away from her, not DH but her.  When I finally did I was free but I remember those years feeling trapped and I remember how angry I was.

I use to get angry because I couldn't put boundaries in place with DH, he simply wouldn't listen.  I got angry because MIL knew this and used it against me. That's why eventually I had to put boundaries in place for me.  Although I am in a lull at the moment I do realise that there will come a time when FIL will pass and I feel at this time I will be in your shoes, I will be back to DH being enmeshed again.  Its painful.

If it was our relative it would be easy to manage, its hard when your spouse allows the intrusions and won't put boundaries in place.  Life gets taken over and if DH doesn't speak up yeah its not like your MIL is going to stop.  I don't have any answers.  I hope you protect yourself as much as you can from her.  Just remember that these years are important for you. Make sure you take time to do things you enjoy and find joy in.  Don't let your MIL take that from you.  Perhaps you are not but this was the one thing I did that I regret.  I was so angry and consumed by what was going on I forgot to find joy elsewhere.  As they say don't let your MIL live in your head rent free.