Parent of diagnosed BPD adult son, struggling to come to terms with it

Started by GrievingMom, July 25, 2021, 02:55:25 PM

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GrievingMom

So as I mentioned in the Welcome Mat thread, I grew up with a diagnosed BPD mother, and after an unhappy upbringing and a lot of chaos, my goal in life was to create my own happy, functional family someday.

Before I had kids, I'd always read how people with BPD are basically made, not born, and the "truism" is supposed to be that people who develop BPD were abused. That meant I had no fear of having my own kids because, well, they would be loved and wanted, and certainly not abused.

However, one of my kids (now an adult in his late 20s, diagnosed with BPD) had what you might consider "tendencies" for future BPD from the time he was a baby. (Very emotionally dysregulated. So easy to "set off." So much negative affect. So much of a tendency toward all-good/all-bad thinking from the time he could express his thoughts.)

I didn't think of him as a "future person with BPD" at the time, of course. In fact I 100% believed if he was raised in a loving stable home it was virtually impossible to become someone with BPD, because that's what you always hear. But I did consider that we had these "tendencies" in the gene pool, and I made special efforts for him _not_ to turn out like my mother. For example, I tried to teach him that situations and people are not all-good / all-bad, tried to teach him to value stable relationships, tried to teach him to moderate the (usually very impulsive and intense) expression of his usually-negative emotions -- which I thought we could also do by example, because his dad, sister and I are all very "mild-mannered" and calm in temperament.

Other than his gene pool, I can't think of a more low-risk situation for someone to develop mental health problems. Loved and wanted, a two-parent family, no health problems, stable employment/income, no substance abuse, a very chill, predictable environment, family dinner around the table most nights, middle class (safe, quiet) neighborhoods, good schools, supported in choosing his own interests, and a paid four-year education at a very good university. What more of a start in life could you want? I'd be proud of what I was able to provide my own kids -- everything I wanted for them (and didn't get in my own childhood) -- except everything went so bad for my son anyway.

He is diagnosed BPD (diagnosed by a psychiatrist, from one of several short-lived attempts to set him up with therapy -- he sees each person as all-good, followed shortly by all-bad and then he leaves therapy). By the way, he tried DBT, but he thought the other people in the group were these wonderful victimized people and the therapist was horrible and mean, so he left. He refused to try it again. He thought he and the other people diagnosed BPD were the good guys who didn't need any therapy.

His life seems so difficult and sad. He one-by-one rejected the stable friendships he had throughout childhood (calling each of his old friends "toxic" or otherwise fatally flawed, all of whom are living fairly stable uneventful young-adult lives). Now he has a revolving door of unstable friendships and relationships, usually around shared very black-and-white political beliefs, and he so far he's always managed to find someone to exploit for a free place to live. He hangs out and plays video games and eats fast food. He manages to keep these arrangements going for many months, until the people he's exploiting tire of it, and he finds a new person. He is (unable? unwilling?) to have a job.

He rejected us, his family, too-- for being "abusive." He's told people a false story about how we "kicked him out" which simply never happened. His dad and I had a conversation with him at one point, after he'd come home after college and was working (occasionally) a series of part-time minimum wage jobs. After this went on for a year-and-a-half (we had been trying to get him to stick with therapy, we'd been trying to help him find a stable job so he could move out on his own), we told him if he was living with us, we either wanted him to (1) find a therapist of his liking and stick to it, ie, prioritize his mental health, or if he was satisfied with his mental health, as a young college-graduated adult it was time to either (2) pursue some kind of career path (we offered to pay for additional education) or (3) work toward getting a self-supporting job. We even specifically told him he could continue to stay with us whichever of the three options he chose. 

He didn't like any of those options. He said we only cared about "his money" (of which we'd never seen a cent) and he told his then-girlfriend that we were kicking him out, so she let him live with her. I guess in a twisted way if he didn't like those three options, and wanted to continue to do nothing and live off of other people, then maybe he felt that he was "kicked out" -- but we didn't even hint at that.

He also says we "abused" him. When I approached him with a genuine spirit of curiosity to know how he experienced us as abusive -- this is the full list -- it amounts to (1) yelling at him once when he was 6 (guilty as charged - I felt terrible and immediately apologized, and I've apologized again, every time he brings it up); (2) grounding him for repeatedly breaking curfew and sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night as a teen, such that he missed a senior-year party that was very important to him (yes that happened; he experienced consequences for behavior regularly but this incident seems to have stood out to him); and (3) "not understanding"/"not accepting" him, which is the vaguest of all, but I think it entails our not "accepting" the fact that raging and screaming at others is (in his mind) his true self which he'd like us to accept? (I'm saying that in a sincere voice -- not snarky -- this is my best attempt to understand what "not understanding" / "not accepting" him was.)

One thing I hear a lot is that people who develop BPD grew up in a very invalidating environment -- and I think that's what he is possibly perceiving? I used to very mindfully (or so I thought) acknowledge and validate his emotions while addressing the problem behaviors. "You're really angry that so-and-so did such-and-such. I get it! It's OK to feel angry, but not OK to get up in so-and-so's face and scream that you hate him. How do you think you can handle this differently next time you feel so angry?" But it was about as effective as trying to teach a fish to build a nest or fly.

I can see how someone with tendencies to think in black-and-white / good-and-bad, and  with incredibly intense emotional reactions (to events which other people might find mildly annoying, or just part of day-to-day life) would feel very "invalidated and misunderstood." So maybe that's a problem that none of us could have addressed. I feel sad that this seems to be our son's experience.

I guess I'm saying -- I have no idea how my child got this way, but I torture myself a lot wondering whether I could have raised him differently. For example, I beat myself up about yelling at him. Could being yelled at seriously scar someone for life? He had been "like that" ("pre-BPD") temperamentally for six solid years at that point. I feel very remorseful but I don't believe yelling at him changed him.

As a counterweight to that, I had people telling me all the time how I had "the patience of a saint" -- or "you handle him so well, how do you stay calm?" or "he's lucky he had you, because in a lot of families he would've ended up being beaten!" which is an offensive thing to say, but I believe well-intentioned, and also possibly true. Friends, acquaintances, even strangers in a park or airport would stop to tell me nice encouraging things. (I would also get the occasional glare like "What is wrong with your kid, Lady?" But mostly people were kind.)

I really, really believed that he was just slow to mature emotionally, and he would turn out OK.

So then I go to the other extreme and ask myself, was I TOO patient with him? Because the world doesn't have time for the terrible behavior of people like my son -- the world is very hard on him. But I don't think being less _patient_ would have helped him -- there were consequences for behavior (leaving events he disrupted etc.).

I go round and round with, "Where did I go wrong? And can I do anything about it now?" Sometimes I think with my gene pool I shouldn't have had kids at all. I don't say that aloud of course, but my daughter has had a similar thought: She says she's afraid to have kids because "What if one of them is like [Brother]?" And she feels guilty for thinking that / feeling that way, but realistically, it's probably something she needs to think about. Those were some strong genes. Growing up with him as a sibling was hard on her too. I could be wrong, but I don't see how anything could have gone better for him.

Even though he's estranged from the family now, and our lives are so, so, so much more peaceful without him around (another thing I feel really guilty about thinking) I can't help but feel terrible about the difficult, sad, chaotic, empty, angry life he's experiencing -- it seems hellish from the outside looking in -- and I wish he'd get some help. I offered multiple times to pay for therapy at any time (before he cut off contact most recently), with any therapist of his choice, but he acted like he thought it was some trap or trick to make him feel bad about himself. I can see how it might sound like I'm telling him, "There's something really wrong with you" and all those times I tried to teach him to amend his behavior maybe just eroded his self-esteem. He seems genuinely to feel like he's been mistreated and we were a bad family, and so therefore we are the problem he needs to avoid. I don't think it helps that his living situation (living off of the kindness of other dysfunctional people) depends on having "bad abusive parents who threw him out," I think we've been permanently split bad due to the needs of his personal situation.

I feel terribly sad for him, and I grieve for the loss of having him in our lives, but even more so I'm so deeply sad that I brought someone into the world with all this love and hope, and did my honest best for him, and yet he's suffering horribly, having a horrible life, hates us, and I wish there were some way to make this better.

Sometimes I really struggle with the helplessness and the ongoing wish that I could help him.

hhaw

GrievingMom:


When I m upset and feeling in turmoil it's usually attached to resistance to acceptance in my life.

Once I accept whatever I m struggling with.....just.....radically invite it it in and embrace it as it is....my inner turmoil settles down. 

I create more space around it.....like getting my nose off a pebble so I can take in the entire field.  See there are other rocks and pebbles.  See the trees and grass and sky.

THAT helps break the worry worry worry cycle of spinning my wheels, suffering, unable to be present now....which is all that's real.

Your son will make his choices and live with his consequences whether you're suffering or not.

Question:
What is gained when you have your nose glued to that pebble, unable to see anything else?  Dies suffering over and over contribute to your son's wellbeing?  Your well-being?  Your husband/daughter/social life?

What do you get out of suffering? 

What would happen if you accepted your son, as he is, and stopped trying to fix him?  Would anything change?

You've done your best....it certainly appears you've done a wonderful job parenting your children.  What would you want your daughter to do if she's in your shoes one day?

Would you want to see her make different choices?  The same? 

Forgive yourself.  Forgive your son. 

Accept his journey is difficult and disordered.

Accept you did your best and would do more, if it helped.

Accept all you can control is yourself, your responses....your ability to release expectation and turn toward what you can do.

It not.

Sometimes we roll around with hard feelings, resisting acceptance till we're sick of ourselves being sick.

That's ok too.

If you do manage to turn away from your son's journey, and back to your own ...realize you're modeling healthy boundaries, resilience and the ability to be responsive.....rather than reactive.

You're able to be more helpful when you're calm and your entire brain is integrated and online.

When your reactive, you're in fight or flight/reptilian brain survival mode....you lose access to your frontal lobe/logic/problem solving/ creativity which is SO helpful to yourself, your son and any situation requiring your best.

Acceptance helps you calm yourself.  It helps restore perspective and ability to choose a response based on what's best for everyone, ime.

Reactivity shuts down choice and responsiveness.  It Rob's you of the joy around you and there is joy.

Experiencing joy,been though your son struggles, is a choice open to you.

You're still a good, kind, devoted mother, even if you can't fix your son.

You're needed by your family and yourself.  You have a duty to find the edges of yourself and your son....accept them...and be ok, even if he's not ok.

Just st as you'd likely support your beloved daughter being ok if her child was struggling, right?

If you haven't read up on codependency, it's worth a glance, ime.

It made sense to me the moment I realized I was in a better headspace to be helpful IF I got my nose off my precious pebbles and found some emotional distance.  It was a battle I had to fight with a good trauma informed T.

Creating emotional distance.....so I remained steady when my now adult children suffer.....so I had more choice and ability to respond when given the chance....was epiphany.

You're modeling for your daughter, btw.  How to parent, put up healthy boundaries, enforce them and persevere beyond heartbreak to find the joy available to you.

I hope that makes sense, bc you can't save anyone from themselves, but you're obligated to save yourself, imo.  Teach your daughter how to save herself.

It helped me to drop all judgments, to embrace curiosity instead....it helped to shower myself with tsunamis of self compassion and accept ally thoughts and feelings as they were......just tend to them with kindness to see what's behind them.

You seem like such a lovely tortured soul.  Would it hurt anything if you suffered and worried less?

hhaw




hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

GrievingMom

Thanks for the compassionate reply hhaw.  I'm going to come back to this a few times until I digest it / understand parts of it better.

hhaw

A compassionate trauma informed T,doing their own personal work, can help you figure it out if you don't have one, ime.

Good luck
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Latchkey

Hi GreivingMom,

I just want to add in here that getting therapy for yourself with someone who understands that no one really truly can pinpoint the "cause" of BPD in addition to trauma informed is really important. If traumatic upbringing were the only cause, then many on this board including myself would be BPD and I can assure you I am not.

I've also been married to someone with BPD and have had step kids with BPD tendencies, one who I believe is ASPD/BiPolar now at 17 and whose mother is also BPD and BiPolar.

I know Dr. Blaise Aguirre had some interesting research going on about BPD in adolescents about 10 years ago when I was doing a lot of armchair research ... and that BPD can also be co-morbid with other things like autism/bipolar/depression that might mask or exacerbate.

At any rate, I think hhaw has very good advice to focus on you and what you can control and to stop blaming yourself. We are here for you. This board is not always super active so feel free to post in other boards like "working on us" where you can start the healing you need to do.

:bighug:

Latchkey
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

cookiecat

 Hi GrievingMom, 
I don't have any good advice, but I feel like I could have written this except my son is a few years younger and most likely addicted to using marijuana (I know many say it's not physically addictive, but I think it's mentally addictive for my son).  I share a lot of the same concerns as you and ruminate on the past and whether I could have done something different, despite our son having a similar upbringing as you describe for your son.  It feels so isolating a lot of the time.  I feel like most people I hang out with cannot relate to having an adult child who is disordered, so I keep everything inside.  I too grew up in a dysfunctional home with a disordered mother (never diagnosed) and always wanted to make sure my kids had a different/better/"normal" upbringing than the one I had.  I think that makes it feel like I've failed somehow even more (although other two kids are doing well).    Any way, just saying "hi" and letting you know I totally feel you 🙂

GrievingMom

Thanks, Latchkey! I'll look up Dr. Blaise Aguirre  and check out some of the other boards. Thank you for the welcome.

GrievingMom

Thanks cookiecat! I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing, although it's a great comfort to hear from you! I totally understand what you mean by "It feels so isolating a lot of the time.  I feel like most people I hang out with cannot relate to having an adult child who is disordered, so I keep everything inside" 100%. How could this happen? I have to think, looking back, this stuff has to have a strong, strong genetic component but I wish someone had warned me.
Thanks for posting.

LemonLime

Wow Grieving Mom, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this with your son.
I relate so much to your story, only it's my sib that is probably PD.  I think she's covert N.

She was always the "oddball" in the family of 4.  The other 3 of us are calm and even-tempered.  She is older than I am, and my mom says she frankly didn't know what to do with sib's negative-from-the-start attitude.  She was apparently difficult to calm as a baby and toddler, and as the younger sib I just remember there was always tension in the house around my sib.   It was mostly negativity, and painting us as being unfair to her.   I'm quite sure she convinced her friends that we were all just awful to her.   She smoked and ran around as a teen getting into minor trouble.  Good grades though and lots of very attractive qualities.

My mom did not do the emotions coaching that you did for your son.   It wasn't a "thing" back then and anyway my mom was raised by alcoholics and didn't get any emotions coaching herself.  My sister raged and although my parents hated it, they did not impose consequences like you did. They should have, because now that I'm not putting up with her rages, she is completely confused and angry.  She seems to feel entitled to her rages.
My parents have no idea why my sib is like she is.   However, my dad's oldest sister, now in her 80's, was similar.   She to this day can recite every grievance she has against anyone.   She is attention-seeking and "quirky" and I would say is a high-conflict personality.   So there is at least one person in the family that is similar to sib.   I really really do suspect a huge genetic predisposition to this stuff.

You Are A Good Mom.   You are.    You are a far more supportive mom than my mom was....heck, you sound like a better mom than I am.....when one doesn't specifically learn how to do the emotions coaching/consequences thing, one does not do it.   YOU DID IT.   You rock!

My sister is higher-functioning than your son, it sounds like.   Yet you were a far better and more consistently positive mom than my own mom was.  So how can that be?

It's genes.    And I'm so sorry for that.   I have enough trouble with my sib and I'm only her sister.   Being a parent is much harder.
Big hugs to you.

GrievingMom

LemonLime thank you so much for your post. I'm so sad your family has experienced this too -- you have no idea how comforting it is to hear from other families with a family member like this. Thank you too for your kind words. Everyone on this forum, no doubt, has been through some really serious life challenges. This has been the biggest source of sadness and pain in my life, so your kind words mean a lot.

It's such a mystery -- if kids are all raised in the same home with the same resources and the same love, how can one turn out so different from the others? Even if it's too late for our son, I wonder if any early interventions could have worked? Even with certain genes, wiring, temperament, which I completely believe in, I know some "difficult kids" who grew up and matured and became functioning adults.  Why do some people simply never mature?

In my husband's FOO, there were two stable mature loving parents, six stable kids who grew up mature and loving, but one kid, the second oldest, who just had a terrible time in life. I remember my MIL telling me once she put this child in her room at times because she just couldn't handle her, and she said to me "I asked God, is it possible to actually hate one of your children?" That was the most shocking thing this drama-free, kind and patient woman ever said to me -- enough to really give me a jolt -- and while I can't say I ever "hated" my son, I can say 100% I understand what she means. It's very, very hard (at times) to love a kid who is constantly causing disruption in the family, and easy to love an "easier" kid. I worked very hard to make it so I didn't favor one or the other, or make one the "good kid" and one the "bad kid."

My husband's troubled sister got into all kinds of trouble, had kids as a teenager, hung out with drug users and people who made their money in various criminal ways. She put herself in bad situations and has had an incredibly difficult life. She had two kids -- one died as a toddler of an accident at the babysitter's house, and her other child had three kids of her own very young and then died young of an overdose. I remember thinking when our kids were all little and all the cousins got together, this cousin and my son were both very different from all the other cousins -- and that turned out to be true, sadly.

My husband's sister, her daughter, and my son all seem to put themselves in bad situations, surround themselves with harmful people and therefore create a lot of difficulty in their own lives. While my niece had a really unstable upbringing, my sister-in-law and son didn't. Are some people just condemned not to mature? Condemned to a bad life?

I'd hate to believe that. I don't know. Again it's a mystery. Thank you for sharing your experience, even though I'm very sad for any other family to go through this.

LemonLime

Hi Grieving Mom,
I have an acquaintance who has a daughter who is 15 and likely BPD.  They sent her away to an outdoors camp designed for PD's.  Not sure how that went, but they went through similar things that you did with your son.
Some of the literature is now advocating for early intervention for suspected PDs in teens.  But certainly when you son was growing up this was not a "thing".  In fact it's only recently that BPD has even been seen as treatable.
I have another friend who has a 14-year old daughter who is what I'd call a High Conflict Personality.   She is dramatic and victim-ish, blaming her parents for everything under the sun.   Mom is exhausted and it affects her marriage.  I've been exhausted and so frustrated being around this girl. 
Mom says there is a blood relative who is high conflict, so she thinks it might have been inherited.
I don't know.  I do think it's largely genes, especially when there is no childhood abuse, just normal parenting.
It's perplexing, and I have to remind myself to not get obsessed about the "why".  But my brain just wants to KNOW.

Latchkey

One thing I can say, as someone who has (mostly) moved beyond the whys and toward acceptance is that DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is grounded in acceptance of duality. DBT is used to treat BPD but it also works to help bridge the understandings for family and friends of loved ones with BPD. I'd recommend checking out the principles of DBT and hoping that will bring some healing for those needing it.

https://behavioraltech.org/resources/faqs/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

BigBird

Dear Grieving mom,
Like a couple of others that have commented.  I too feel like I could have written that same story.  My wife and I have a daughter with a life story such as your son.  I've spent years studying to try and understand why she is the way she is.  She is now in her mid 30's and doesn't want any association with any family members. 
I totally understand how you feel.  You love your child and yet now that they are away, peace is now present in your life.   I still struggle from time to time wondering what I did wrong.  She is the only one who shows any symptoms of a personality disorder that causes such abnormal, drastic behavior in our family of 4 children.  It was throughout her lifetime but didn't show it's full capacity until she graduated from a 4 year degree.  That's when it really came full bloom. 
Surprisingly enough, my wife who took the biggest brunt of abuse from her has been blessed to have assurance that all is as it should be considering the circumstances.  She even helps me when I'm feeling down about the situation like I am today.   
I just want to share one thing that helps me to cope. 
That is, I realize my daughter can't help it.
When I stop and think about personality disorders I realize that their brain isn't wired like the normal brain is and it's impossible for them to develop  things like empathy, love and compassion like others do.
I often describe it to someone who is color blind.  There is nothing a person can do to teach them what the colors are.   All they can do is observe behavior of others and react like they do.  But it is just an act in order to try to fit in as a normal person.
When I realize my daughter can't help it.  And I realize that the likelihood of change is next to impossible I understand more why we shouldn't judge others.  We don't know all their circumstances.
I know you love your son dearly and wish things were different. 
Don't beat yourself up thinking you could have done something different.
And assure your daughter that she mustn't think for a moment whether or not to have children.  Bless her heart.

Counselors warned us that the day may certainly come when our daughter runs out of sources and will come home in need of money.  We have been counseled that it is for her own growth and good to learn to be responsible for herself and to become an adult.  This is something that is really hard for parents to do, but for the growth of the child it is necessary if they don't have the drive to get a job and become independent.   So be careful when that time comes.  In the mean time, again I'm sorry you are going through this.  You've got a ton of support and understanding from many on this site. 
Hang in there and don't stop living a full happy life.
(advice I try to work on)

Dandelion

Your post was written a while ago now, GrievingMom, but I just wanted to chime in a little, if I may.

When you said "I feel terribly sad for him, and I grieve for the loss of having him in our lives, but even more so I'm so deeply sad that I brought someone into the world with all this love and hope, and did my honest best for him" I felt the grieving  and sadness in your post, and my heart goes out to you.  ITs not easy, and as cookiecat said, most people don't understand what its like.  So its like you have to deal with it mostly or completely on your own.

My young adult son (aged 20) is not diagnosed with any particular disorder or issue, we never got that far despite my attempts as he resisted, but there is clearly something amiss. From the age of 13 onwards there were serious problems, including trouble with the police and general chaos and mood swings.   I was constantly stressed by his attitudes and his high-conflict behaviour, to the extent that it was almost unbearable for us to even live in the same home.   Now he's left home its got to the point where I am OK, even relieved, about not seeing or hearing from him.  Even now, 4 out of 5 contacts end up with stress and shouting, and its horrible for both of us.  In addition its also tough for me because I have an "ignoring narcissist" mother, so a history of ridiculous conflicts and no real love or proper connection there either. 

Like you, my son had a good upbringing, lots of love and care  (though he wasn't spoiled either).   I was the real nurturing kinda mother who loved being a mother; almost the opposite of my own mother who I cannot even remember.  I really do believe that there's something genetic going on, and there were early signs when I look back.  There is absolutely no other explanation for it in my view.  But it doesn't make it any easier to accept.  He's my only child.  I can see, or at least envision how difficult much of his life may become, as its already been a head-on struggle.  He struggles with so many things and also seems to have this negative, blaming, and angry attitude to so much of life.  And he's so young!!!!  I think he really struggles to relate to people except superficially.  He can be intelligent and funny (good sense of humour) but the high conflict makes it so hard to relate, to relax, show love or care, anything of that nature that helps nurture a relationship.  Often its almost like two strangers meeting when I do see him.   Its weird, I'm NC with my mother and she's doing the Silent Treatment as per usual.  Its been over a year now.  But with my son its like we just don't really want to see each other as its rarely a happy experience, whatever our good intentions are, more a conflict waiting to happen, so its looking like we won't really be doing much of it future-wise, though I guess we will stay in contact in some way. 

Like you, I feel I am grieving the relationship I wish we could have had, the one I'd hoped for, the one so many people enjoy and take for granted,  but believe my son and I can never have.