After 4 year I went to my hometown and managed to keep NC-positive story

SeaSalt · July 29, 2021, 09:36:06 AM

I went to my hometown where my FOO lives without my FOC. I have been on/off NC with my NM and stepF for several years. Last (and final, i hope) NC started 4 months ago. The first 3 days of my stay in my hometown were amazing. I walked around the city, visited my friends and family and did not at all worry if my NM will show up or not. She knows that I am ready to call police if she bothers me so I guess she wants to avoid that in public.

Prior to that visit I exposed my pedophile stepF to my golden child brother that is very much under my NM influence. I can not be sure that my brother believed me about the abuse I lived in our household but I had impression that he did. The forth day my NM made a huge drama to my golden child brother and he called me and told me that he will cut me out of his life. He is now apparently angry why did not I tell him about the abuse earlier. Mind you I tried so many times and he never wanted to listen. Also if that is true, if he believes me than he would not cut me out, but would be supportive, no?

Anyway, I understood that my brother was as toxic as my NM and our stepF so he is actually making me a favor by cutting me out. I consider myself now officially NC also with my brother as well. When I met him the third day before the drama, I understood that we were strangers to each other.
I am much happier like this. I always considered him as a spy of my NM and could never relax about him. Now he is finally showing his true face and finally he choose a side. There was no other option anyway. This was meant to happen and I certainly prefer this way than this relationship being a ticking boom ready to explode any moment.

So that forth day I was leaving and was so afraid that they would show up at the airport but they did not. When I passed the security check I felt so relived, safe. When the plane took off, I felt like if I jumped out of the burning building and landed on my feet.

Next time when I will go there, I will keep it a secret from my FOO. But I am proud of myself for having been able to have a good time the first 3 days without look behind my back. I was not worried about them, if they follow me or plan to show up. I learned here in this forum with your advice that whatever happens I will be able to deal with it, so I was not being anxious and anticipating anything bad.

Being NC never felt better. I am 100% sure of my decision. And it feels great that they did not manage to manipulate me into what they wanted. And they tried very hard. They told me that I will never see my niece again and similar.

It feels good to be true to myself. If feels good to protect myself. It feels good to expose them. It feels good to stop a generational cycle of abuse. It feels good to walk in their town without fear. It feels good to not be part of their drama. And it feels amazing knowing that I live my life very far away from all their toxicity.

bloomie · July 29, 2021, 11:14:01 AM

Quote from: SeaSalt on July 29, 2021, 09:36:06 AMIt feels good to be true to myself. If feels good to protect myself. It feels good to expose them. It feels good to stop a generational cycle of abuse. It feels good to walk in their town without fear. It feels good to not be part of their drama. And it feels amazing knowing that I live my life very far away from all their toxicity.

What an amazing update, SeaSalt! Thank you for sharing how you have found peace and confidence in your human right to travel to your home town and enjoy yourself. So much hard work behind your ability to do that. BRAVO!!!!

In terms of your brother... he can never say he didn't know! What he does with that truth is on him.

MarlenaEve · August 02, 2021, 05:31:00 AM

@Seasalt

That's a big accomplishment what you did. Congrats!
Being able to go back to your town and not fearing FOO is a huge step in recovery. I was never ready to go back to my home town (in NC) and be OK with not talking to them, not trying to reinsert myself back into the system. But now that I've done all that and saw how hurtful it was, I will not do the same thing next time.

Your brother is lost to the system's anxiety. If he's in denial of the abuse and the toxicity, it's only because he wants to protect himself from the pain.
But that's not your problem and not your responsibility.

I've accepted that I've lost my brothers to the system, toxic system and I'll never get them back. That's what happens in a system where one or both parents suffer from a PD.

Hugs to you.

SeaSalt · August 02, 2021, 10:21:18 AM

Thank you very much Bloomy and MarlenaEve. Actually at first I felt powerful but a day after my return i had a big down moment. I understood now that going there no matter what had a big price. I can not not be affected. I think I will never be able to. Lucky I live very far away and here I feel safe.
My brothers decision was no surprise. I was very much prepared for that. What I was not prepared for was how I was treated by my father. My father has been divorced with my Nm most of my life. My Nm kept me away from him for the first 20y of my life. Than I got closer to my father to see if my mothers stories were true and they were not. So I got closer to my father. I though we were building a relationship over last 10-15y. He was in my hometown with his new family. He was surprisingly very cold with me. I came for him because we was in the hospital days before. I felt like I was too much for him. Like he was waiting for me to leave. It felt really disappointing. The last 1.5 days of my visit I was wandering alone around the town (which I liked since I missed it) but its really not nice that he left me feel alone and abandoned also from him. I guess my soul was very ambitious when choosing this reincarnation...

Jolie40 · August 02, 2021, 11:15:38 AM

Quote from: SeaSalt on July 29, 2021, 09:36:06 AM
Being NC never felt better. I am 100% sure of my decision.
It feels good to be true to myself. If feels good to protect myself.

good for you!

bloomie · August 03, 2021, 09:37:04 AM

Quote from: SeaSalt on August 02, 2021, 10:21:18 AM
Thank you very much Bloomy and MarlenaEve. Actually at first I felt powerful but a day after my return i had a big down moment. I understood now that going there no matter what had a big price. I can not not be affected. I think I will never be able to. Lucky I live very far away and here I feel safe.
My brothers decision was no surprise. I was very much prepared for that. What I was not prepared for was how I was treated by my father. My father has been divorced with my Nm most of my life. My Nm kept me away from him for the first 20y of my life. Than I got closer to my father to see if my mothers stories were true and they were not. So I got closer to my father. I though we were building a relationship over last 10-15y. He was in my hometown with his new family. He was surprisingly very cold with me. I came for him because we was in the hospital days before. I felt like I was too much for him. Like he was waiting for me to leave. It felt really disappointing. The last 1.5 days of my visit I was wandering alone around the town (which I liked since I missed it) but its really not nice that he left me feel alone and abandoned also from him. I guess my soul was very ambitious when choosing this reincarnation...

That sounds painful and disappointing. I can only imagine how hard it would be to build a trusting foundation with a father you have been alienated from by your mom all of those years and his response to your visit doesn't help going forward.

How are you doing with all of this?

SeaSalt · August 05, 2021, 06:08:49 AM

Quote from: Bloomie on August 03, 2021, 09:37:04 AM
Quote from: SeaSalt on August 02, 2021, 10:21:18 AM
Thank you very much Bloomy and MarlenaEve. Actually at first I felt powerful but a day after my return i had a big down moment. I understood now that going there no matter what had a big price. I can not not be affected. I think I will never be able to. Lucky I live very far away and here I feel safe.
My brothers decision was no surprise. I was very much prepared for that. What I was not prepared for was how I was treated by my father. My father has been divorced with my Nm most of my life. My Nm kept me away from him for the first 20y of my life. Than I got closer to my father to see if my mothers stories were true and they were not. So I got closer to my father. I though we were building a relationship over last 10-15y. He was in my hometown with his new family. He was surprisingly very cold with me. I came for him because we was in the hospital days before. I felt like I was too much for him. Like he was waiting for me to leave. It felt really disappointing. The last 1.5 days of my visit I was wandering alone around the town (which I liked since I missed it) but its really not nice that he left me feel alone and abandoned also from him. I guess my soul was very ambitious when choosing this reincarnation...

That sounds painful and disappointing. I can only imagine how hard it would be to build a trusting foundation with a father you have been alienated from by your mom all of those years and his response to your visit doesn't help going forward.

How are you doing with all of this?

Dear Bloomy, thank you for the question. I was wrecked the first week, now I am doing fine. I have many resources now that I did not have at the beginning of my healing. Now its been 10 yeara of healing process, I learned a lot and apply it now when needed. I know now that I need to feel my emotions, get them out, talk about it, write about it, reset my nervous system, take even more care of myself (my body and mind), surround myself with people that care for me, talk to my inner child etc and it works. What helps me also is that I truly believe that being truth to myself pays of on the long run. Being in denial is like treating the symptoms instead of the cause of illness. I spent too many years in denial and do not want it anymore. If I need a parent and I do I will learn to be my own parent or find a friend that can play that role but I do not want anymore to rely on people that supposed to be my parents and are not acting as such, so I lean and fall each time. I am done with that. My father made his choose long time ago, he accepted to be alienated from him children and did nothing to fight that. He got used to be without his children and now that he can be with us, he does not want or know how. My father grow up without his parents, without any parent, so maybe he just does not know better, he is reproducing now his own childhood story. I accept his limitations. In a way this make the entire NC story for me easier, since my father was the only reason I was going sometimes back to my hometown and feeling the need to go more often. if my father does not care, than this simplifies my NC with my Nm, brother (probably N as well) and pedo StepFather, I feel like I have no reason to go back to visit anymore and that way I stay away from the toxic members of the FOO.
I am aware that my mood can change and even if I feel strong this week might not stay forever like this but that is ok. Our healing path is full of ups and downs and I am ok now with that. I believe a lot in reincarnation and soul choosing the family where will incarnate, so this helps me a lot. It helps me not to be too angry with my FOO (since i choose them), helps me not to worry or grief too much the NC since I truly believe that we will meet again in another life when the relationships will be different. This helps me to cut relationships in this life when they are too toxic without regrets.

bloomie · August 05, 2021, 09:19:55 AM

SeaSalt - what an example of accepting what you cannot change, changing what you can, and having the wisdom to know the difference your choices around your family is to me and others.

SeaSalt · August 05, 2021, 09:33:45 AM

Quote from: Bloomie on August 05, 2021, 09:19:55 AM
SeaSalt - what an example of accepting what you cannot change, changing what you can, and having the wisdom to know the difference your choices around your family is to me and others.

I am happy to read your words Bloomie. it has been a long way and a lot of work on myself. In the last 10 years I never spent a day without learning or practicing something new that could help me to release my trauma and heal (this forum has been an amazing help). All the pain I endured pushed me into spirituality and I am very much grateful for that. I lived some spiritual experiences that transformed my life. I am sure that if I haven't had a life with my FOO I would have not been motivated to dig so deep and I would have not discovered some new dimensions of life which I did and keep discovering now. Of course even if you become spiritual, even if you see a bigger picture, pain is still pain and its not easy in the moment when something hits you hard. But it is all worth it. At least in my case it was and it is. I would definitely choose an easier life if I had to choose again but it was definitely worth it.