FOC when there is no one left in your FOO

[poetandpunk]

Dear everyone,

Hope you are well and thanks as ever for your helpful responses to my posts.

I know I posted just two days ago but I wanted to start a separate but related thread.

Because my NPD parents are so messed up, my husband and I have been NC for 8 years. I have three siblings. We are also NC with them, but not because they are NPD. It's because they are flying monkeys and look to serve my mom and dad, enable my mom and dad, see my parents as victims, etc. Any time I have interacted with siblings, they have brought up how terrible I have been to my parents and how I should see them and talk to them. So after awhile I had to let go because I realised I couldn't keep my own boundaries and also maintain relationships with my siblings without a LOT of pain and drama.

Anyway, all to say: my husband's family live in another  country. I have no family relationships here. My daughter has no grandparents or cousins. Nothing. She's almost two and I really really long for her to have 'chosen family.'

Because of the pandemic and also because we moved a few times in the last year, it's been very hard to make a family and a 'village' of support around my daughter. I want her to know other adults that love her and want to be a regular part of her life at birthdays and holidays. We are planning to stay where we are for a very long time so hopefully that will build over time.

Does anyone else have experience of this? Having to build a family of choice for a child to know? Or for your own marriage? MY husband and I have lots and lots of friends but they are scattered across the country or abroad. We want to have people around us here now.

Can anyone relate? I feel this keenly bc I am a parent now. What did you do to form new connections for your kids? Family-like people in their lives?

Thanks!

[Fiasco]

I can 100 percent relate to this. My FOO is kind of bonkers and includes BPDm and my husbands FOO is pretty hands off. We are also an active duty military family so we enjoy (haha) randomly moving to different places where we don't know a single person until we get there. And you know what? Kids are resilient and when they're little have the short term memory of a goldfish. We make friends and if the kids like them they have instant people in their lives. When six months is ten percent of your whole life new friends feel like lifelong friends.

Kids may certainly benefit from long term connections to people outside their household but my firm opinion is that what they NEED is secure attachment to the person/persons raising them. When they have that they are solidly grounded and have the courage to go into the world knowing they are loved and have a rock solid home base. Even when that home base varies geographically.

[poetandpunk]

Fiasco: Thanks for your reply! I like that you mentioned secure attachment. My husband and I are big advocates for attachment. It is the reason I am a stay-at-home mom and I agree that a secure homebase is the most important of all. Thanks for that encouragement.

I guess what I mean is that it's awfully lonely. We don't have older relatives coming over and doting on our daughter. No one is bringing her birthday gifts or wanting to be around on a Sunday afternoon for a coffee or dinner. My parents were absolutely bonkers too but I still look back with fondness on the mischief I got into with cousins at my grandparents house and just being in a busy place full of relatives.

I am wanting to make friends that could come over on the weekends and for my daughter to know the joy of occasionally being in a house full of people that love her. I know this kind of thing doesn't happen over night. We do have friends in the area but we don't see them much at the weekends because they have kids the same age (our daughter is 20 months). So they are with their grandparents at the weekends etc.

I wonder if this will change once our daughter is old enough for school or other activities (like sports or church camp or whatever). She will make friends and we will make parent friends that way. Build a network or a community like that. I find it hard right now because even though we go to church and try to make friends that way, she's still just so young that it is VERY difficult to have a decent conversation while trying to wrangle her or keep her from running into the street 

Anyway, I guess I am just wondering if there is hope and if it won't always be so lonely. When she's older and in school or if we get more established here etc etc I don't want the weekends and all the holidays to be lonely times

I describe to my friends that don't get what it's like to not have family in your life: it's like lockdown only you're not looking forward to seeing anyone when its over.

[Fiasco]

Preschool and Kindergarten are the best and easiest years for making friends with the other parents. Volunteer in the classroom, go on field trips, etc as much as you can stand to. We had friends coming out our ears during those years. And you can go have coffee with other parents (or to Target LOL) during your three whole free hours while your kids are at school! I'm pre-emptively forbidding you to prioritize going home and cleaning the house during those precious minutes.

[Jolie40]

we have been fortunate with neighborhood having children same grade as our child

we got a swing set for backyard & neighbor kids came over to play

are you living in a neighborhood?

[SeaSalt]

I can very much relate to this. My child is the only child and my DH family lives far away. We have no relatives in this country. I would love my child to have cousins and family meetings etc but its simply not possible. It happens maximum once a year. I find that the best is to pretend that its normal. My child does not miss anything since he does not know that it can be any different. We got a dog and a cat so the house feel full. For his birthday we buy him several gifts and say this one is from the grandmother, this one from the grandfather etc even though its not true.  Same for Christmas. We do say to my DH parents and my father that we got him a present for him so they play along when he talks with them on the phone. Its sad but its much better than being abused. I am happy I kept him away from pedophiles and N people in my FOO. He has friends from the school, he plays with kids in the street, his friends come over whenever he wants.
Its not ideal but in the overall the most important is to be protected from emotional, physical, verbal, sexual abuse and this we managed, so I see it as a victory. He is a happy child.