When does it end? 9 months into separation

[Findingme1991]

Hi,

I'm in my 30s and recently discarded from my spouse of 17 years who hasn't been diagnosed but has narcissistic tendencies. He left me for a woman he was seeing on and off for 4 years and I'm just trying to get my head straight again. The longer I'm away the more I can clearly see the emotional abuse and manipulation but sometimes I find myself falling into old patterns. I find myself thinking that maybe I WAS the problem. This is the third time we separated but the first time he found a new supply. The last time we separated I spent a year and a half in CBT and EMDR for PTSD related to my childhood and my therapist believed it was exacerbated by my relationship and the abuse. I was previously on a forum and found it helpful to be able to post and speak with others who have been through similar experiences. I'm at the point now where I'm evaluating myself and I'm seeing that I'm treating him in ways he previously treated me. I'm wondering... is it possible for someone who experienced narcissistic abuse to take on some of the tendencies? I  learned about reactive abuse with my therapist and did identify some behaviors. But now that we've been separated for almost a year and the divorce is almost final I have days where I just feel crazy. Most days I'm ok and in a healthy frame of mind but some days I just catch myself picking fights and antagonizing him like he used to do me. I don't understand it. Im truly happier without him and I don't want to go back but a part of me is so angry. This woman he's with is so disrespectful when it comes to our kids and of course he stirs the pot and im just so frustrated that not only did he do this to me but he's created a whole triangulation and made it impossible for menor my kids to have peace. I know I can't control him but I've tried... preventing her from visiting our jointly owned property, coming to our kids school events etc.. but at this point he's pushed passed that. She comes to all their sporting events, they whisper and laugh and stare and are ugly. She stays at my old house with my kids. The kids say she's nice to them but I don't know anything about her other than she's done this many times before, she has BPD and every time I've tried to talk to her she's so mean and cold. That being said... I JUST want to move on. I want to stop feeling sick every time I go to one of my kids ball games. I want to be able to coparent. At this time he's not done anything bad enough to warrant keeping the kids from him. He's emotional abusive to our two girls but they are teenagers and can choose to go if they'd like. Now that he's discarded me (and actually done this time as opposed to stalking and harassing), I'm having trouble handling it and having some mood swings etc.

[Associate of Daniel]

Hi, Findingme.

You'll probably find help on the co parenting board regarding your ex's new supply.

But hopefully others will chime in here about the other things you mention.

Well done on working so much on yourself.  Don't beat yourself up though when you feel less in control of yourself.   It's normal.

I don't have time to write what I want to right now but will try to touch base again soon.

AOD

[Findingme1991]

Thank you! I appreciate the help!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Findingme.  I don't if you will find this helpful, but I did early on.  People shared with me during the first year that it had taken them longer than that to feel they were on their way to a new life and a new relationship with themselves.  Maybe that's not true for everyone, but it is for some, including me.

I had sole custody, so I don't know about co-parenting.  As far as picking up some of their behaviors, I saw it called "fleas."  I don't think that's uncommon at all.  it's not the same as having the PD because it doesn't have the same basis in the mental disorder or the same resistance to ever being changed.  it's great that you're seeing these things.  That allows for work and healing in those areas.