Seeking Your Wisdom

[Hepatica]

Hey Everyone,

I find that when I share something here, I get invaluable wisdom, knowledge and feedback, so here goes. Thank you in advance. 

I have C-PTSD and I've managed to go more than six months without a "meltdown." But yesterday I had one. It was a a doozie and there I was in the middle of it, knowing what was happening on a cerebral level, but for the life of me, I could not calm myself down.

It was triggered by an interaction with my teenager, who was so nasty yesterday that I freaked out and considered he might be disordered and from there I spiralled down to the ground.

Now I do know what is going on, but I scare myself when I'm that low and feeling like life is too much. Luckly my Dh was with me and he helped but even he was at a loss.

I wonder if you have tips on how to ground yourself during a meltdown and how to work with the trauma in the middle of one?

Please let me know your thoughts.

[Free2Bme]

Oh Hepatica, I'm so sorry.

I have been in this place and typically triggered by something with one of my kids.  I am probably not the best person to give input on this because I certainly have not mastered it myself.  What I can offer is examples of my inner dialogue that I use to help recalibrate my thoughts and emotions. 

First, I try and view it as a wave, with a beginning, a crest, and an end.  When the emotion is riding high, I tell myself to hang on because it will subside.  This helps with the anxiety part of it.

When I spiral, it's usually always tied to fear/regret/pain re: my kids.  I remind myself that emotions are not a good barometer of reality.  I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, because I know  that in the moment it really seems hopeless.  I'm just saying at times I assign meaning or outcomes to things that are really just "forecasting".  So, I have to change my focus from the snapshot in time (which looks/is really sh***y) to a wider view which allows for time and other possibilities.

Ex: my DD16 can be really nasty, like, cut to the bone nasty.  In the moment I feel intense pain, I fear for her future & our relationship, regrets and self doubt about my parenting, concerns about a possible Dx, combined with wanting to retreat because of the wound to my heart.  I've been through it with 3:4 children, so when DD does this, it all merges with past experiences with DS's  and prior trauma into a storm of pain = hopelessness.  I have to anchor myself to something in that terrible moment and tell myself things that are true ex:  young adults (especially teens) are humans in progress, their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed yet.  I try to have faith that even these intense, hurtful events can work for good to shape them into fully mature adults. 

Even though I don't feel effectual or important to them, I AM. 

I have been through these storms before and survived it, many times things didn't turn out as badly as I feared. 

You have survived trauma.  You've had >6 months of success.  You survived this most recent event.  You can handle whatever happens.

I'm hoping you are feeling better this evening and that I'm not coming out in left field here. 

~take care

[Hepatica]

Thank you Free2Beme

That was really, really helpful. Firstly it helped me feel like I am not the only one struggling being a parent. Secondly you mentioned an anchor. I think that's really important. Because when I spiral I think that might help me. I'm going to think more about that, in preparation for when this happens again, because inevitably it will.

I also like that you reminded me about the prefrontal cortex of teens. I think because of how I grew up I really freak out when I see bad behaviour now and I'm so scared that it will be passed onto my child. I know I can't control what happens and how he chooses to live his life, but I have seen his "bad" behaviour lessen every year, so I hope the best for him. It's still though, very scary for me, to know that disorder is within my family and I have very little control over it, even with my own child. And I have regrets that I was dysregulated as I raised him. I wasn't the best mother I wanted to be, even though my intentions were to do better than my parents.

There is so much grief attached to that. 

[JustKeepTrying]

Hepatica

I want to thank you for sharing.  The way you phrased your meltdown - they why with your kids - all felt very real for me and perfectly described past experiences.  I hadn't thought about it that way before or it's relation to cPTSD - which I also have.

The grounding thing is hard.  I was given advice here to do something like that during a recent family get-together.  The suggestion was to wear a piece of jewelry or something that I could feel and keep me in the moment.  It worked.  I wore a bracelet and the whole time I played with it. It kept me from snapping back at my passive-aggressive daughter.

I am so sorry that is happening to you.   

[Free2Bme]

An afterthought...

When I look at my four children (two older teens and two young adults), I see effects of our dysfunctional home.  Some traits that were there a couple years ago (when I was divorcing their dad), have either disappeared or diminished.  Others have surfaced. 

I spent a lot of time stressing over trying to predict the outcome of their mental health issues and it made me crazy.  Even professionals are reluctant to Dx because so much is in flux during the young adult years.  At some point I had to lay it down and decided to put my energy into cultivating the type of relationship I wanted with them regardless of possible mental health issues.  I try to focus on cherishing them, modeling love, patience, kindness, self-control, forgiveness, and integrity.

I am a doer, I need something to contribute to.  I can't control the future, but I can control me and I can invest in them.  This is something I will never regret and it keeps me in the here and now.

My environment is really distracting right now, I hope this all makes some sort of sense.
to you Hepatica.

[Jolie40]

I wonder if you have tips on how to ground yourself during a meltdown and how to work with the trauma in the middle of one?

been listening to this on CD from library:

https://www.amazon.com/What-Happened-You-Understanding-Resilience/dp/1250223180


dr Perry said when triggered, your body goes to the lowest part of the brain
your highest part of brain is not available at this time
so don't think this is your fault...your body just goes there!

I haven't got to the part yet on how to fix that

he gives examples of kids being triggered at school & teachers think they're troublemakers
he says if only counselors/teachers asked "what happened to you?"

[Hepatica]

Thank you to each of you and your wise and kind responses.

Jolie40 - I am in the beginning stages of learning all about what you are talking about. I haven't read that book yet, but I did listen to a podcast with Oprah and Dr. Perry about it. It is true that I have raised my child with a dysregulated body system. For years I wondered why I know what to do, and end up doing what I don't want to do. I'd get mad and yell when I told myself that no, no, no I would not do that. And I did it! The helpless feeling afterwards was terrible and part of how I felt the other day when this happened.

I am watching a lot of Crappy Childhood Ferry, Irene Lyon and Sukie Baxter on Youtube to try to understand how to heal the dysregulated brain of a survivor. It's helping.

Free2Beme -

I try to focus on cherishing them, modeling love, patience, kindness, self-control, forgiveness, and integrity.

That is very inspiring to me. I do find myself jumping into analytical behaviour with my child and it totally spins me into oblivion. I am going to write this on my chalkboard and remember it every day. I am also going to monitor my self-talk and make sure I'm talking to myself with these things in mind.

JustKeepTrying - I love your username because that is exactly what I must remind myself. I didn't realize what was happening either until I realized that I often scramble down into a PTSD spiral when i get into conflict with my child. When I'd come out of it, I'd realize, whoa, why did I lose control there? It's because I became totally dysregulated. I am learning so much about this, but wish it was healed, like, yesterday. Ugh. Unfortunately my poor child is a work in progress as well, and I am trying so hard to be the calm adult, but I often fail at it. It is one of my biggest sadnesses.