New supply

[Findingme1991]

Ex left me for a woman he's been seeing on and off for 4 years who feels almost as bad as him. Now that we've been separated for almost a year and the divorce is almost final I have days where I just feel crazy. Most days I'm ok and in a healthy frame of mind but some days I just catch myself picking fights and antagonizing him like he used to do me. I don't understand it. Im truly happier without him and I don't want to go back but a part of me is so angry. This woman he's with is so disrespectful when it comes to our kids and of course he stirs the pot and im just so frustrated that not only did he do this to me but he's created a whole triangulation and made it impossible for me or my kids to have peace.  Like she's nice to their faces but then stirs up problems on other fronts (for instance coming to my house to "fight" with me over a Facebook post" then going to my kids crying and telling them all she wants is to get along with me... when she stood there and said to me she'd never have anything to do with me even if it benefits the kids. I know I can't control him but I've tried... preventing her from visiting our jointly owned property, coming to our kids school events etc.. but at this point he's pushed passed that. She comes to all their sporting events, they whisper and laugh and stare and are ugly. She stays at my old house with my kids. The kids say she's nice to them but I don't know anything about her other than she's done this many times before, she has BPD and every time I've tried to talk to her she's so mean and cold. That being said... I JUST want to move on. I want to stop feeling sick every time I go to one of my kids ball games. I want to be able to coparent. At this time he's not done anything bad enough to warrant keeping the kids from him. He's emotional abusive to our two girls but they are teenagers and can choose to go if they'd like. Now that he's discarded me (and actually done this time as opposed to stalking and harassing), I'm having trouble handling it and having some mood swings etc. A lot of anger outbursts

[Latchkey]

Hi Findingme1991,

There is a lot going on here. I am glad that your soon to be ex H is not stalking and harassing you but since that is something that has happened in the past, it is important to protect yourself.

As far as his BPD GF, it sounds like she is pretty emotionally unstable overall. Given that your ex is PD as well, there is a good chance that he is feeding her his versions of reality and making it even harder for her to know what is going on. I found out years later that my now ASPD ex H was telling his exBPD wife all sorts of things to set her off and then when she did he kept it all calm and acted like it was all her. He had told her things like "latchkey is going to replace you [as mom to your 3 boys]" and I had no idea until I was divorced and she and I actually talked. I believed her then because by then I had lived through enough of his gaslighting and lies to know that this was a pattern that didn't just start with me.

For your kids, give them a safe place to talk about what is going on. Just because your D's can leave doesn't mean that they are in a place to leave. It is their house, and they are under a ton of pressure right now with school, sports, and their Dad and his GF with all the drama. So try to remember how difficult it likely was for you to leave and be there for them.

Do you have some time with the kids without him or her, like overnights or days away?
Any friends from the team parents that you could sit with to make it easier to weather the games?

Definitely work with your T on all you are feeling and working through. Sometimes just recognizing your triggers is more important than actually being able to remove them in the moment.

Latchkey

[Associate of Daniel]

Finding me, I'll speak to your difficulties with having to be near your ex and his new supply.

You may like to go over my many posts as I have similar issues in my situation.

My uNPD exH's uNPD wife is even more toxic than he is.  She unfortunately is still able to convince my ds (now nearly 15) to drink the Cool Aid.

She is at every game, every school activity and every medical appointment.  Covid has been a huge blessing (although really hard on the kids) due to cancelled sports and school activities.  It has done my mental and physical health a world of good to not have to be anywhere near her or my uNPD exH.

That said, I suggest with the ball games that you have a strategy.  Mine is that I walk in as the game starts and leave immediately afterwards. I sit as far away from them as possible.  If for some reason there is a delay in starting I hide behind poles and corners, always keeping them in my line of sight.  If I end up seated within hearing distance of them I don't converse with other patents unless they speak to me.  Any word I say in my uPDs' presence is used against me, even if they were not part of the conversation.

This all sounds cowardly but I value my mental health too much to care any more what they or other people think.

It also avoids ds having to witness any scenes between his mum (me) and his uNPD smother.  She's on a number of occasions created a confrontation with me.

The sickness you feel at the ball games is still the same for me nearly 9 years later. But it does get better.  Some weeks are worse than others.  I don't really know why. And it's really distressing that I can't enjoy ds's games without that ball in the pit of my stomache and that there is such relief as I drive home afterwards.  It's not meant to be that way.

There is surely a way to keep your ex's new supply from visiting your home.

Perhaps you can email her, requesting that she no longer does.  If she responds with demands to know why etc, don't answer. Any answer you give is just fuel for her fire.

She'll likely ignore the request and keep showing up.  You could perhaps have your solicitor send her a cease and desist letter.  That may be the end of it. Otherwise, perhaps the police can help?

Imo, you have every right to refuse anyone entry into your home.

The triangulation thing... so annoying.  If you know it's happening but the kids don't tell you, don't bring it up to them.  Just be your usual happy self with them.

If they do bring up something she's told them about you, tell them your side of the story calmy and simply, trying not to badmouth her.

I've found over the years that ds keeps things seperate between the 2 houses.  He rarely brings anything up that I know she's lied to him about. And I don't bring it up with him, unless I feel him knowing my truth is going to ease his mind about me.

We have a wonderful relationship and I am so thankful.

I suggest you have no communication with her at all.  Your ex and yourself are your children's parents.  She is not.

If you have to have any communication with her, do it only by email.

School events - not much you can do.  She has the right to attend as your ex's new partner.  Apply the same strategies as to the ball games.

I hope this is helpful.   Let us know how you get on.

AOD

[Findingme1991]

Thank you for the replies! I went into this naively thinking that we could all work through our problems and be cordial to each other. I thought I'd still be able to talk to my ex about the kids schooling, sports and needs. I've discovered that I cannot. At least before he was with her he still wanted to try to win me back so I could actually coparent with him. That was one thing he never did was disrupt coparenting with his behavior. Maybe an occasional comment about something he didn't like I did with the kids or whatever but usually he was just stalking me and trying to control me outside of our children. It made me so mad when this woman told me she would never have anything to do with me even if it was best for my kids but now I'm realizing that's the attitude I should have had. Their drama is not worth my peace of mind. I hate to hear that the sickness will probably always be there. It makes me so angry that he could change my life so much that I don't even want to be present for my kids. It's weird to me to hear you say to sit away from the etc because they have been sitting away from me and they do small things to bait me... which just confuses me that much more as to who's mentally unstable.  but as soon as I stop engaging I've noticed she ublocks me on social media and starts posting pics of them etc and then there's always an argument between my ex and I that ends up being revolved around her so I suspect she's creating some of the drama as well. Sometimes I can see the issues they both have (she's over 10 years older than me and has never lived on her own as long as he's known her - 5 years-, always lives with her kids and never has anything of her own) and then sometimes I can't see their issues and I start questioning my own sanity or start thinking maybe I have more mental health problems than my therapist has diagnosed. I think the one thing I'm going to have to do is just cut them completely and accept there will never be coparenting and there will never be any situation in which it's going to be ok for me to be near them. I struggle SO bad because I just want everyone to know what's going on. I'm so fortunate that I have a lot of friends in the other community parents. He was charming but not a social butterfly. I'm a social butterfly so when everything happened and people found out they've been very kind to me. Putting me in the middle of them when he and his girlfriend are at games and I'm there alone etc. Is it bad that I truly hope they dont work out? But then again... who's to say he will find someone more stable? I just get so angry that this woman who's been an issue for 4-5 years is now permanently in the picture.  Isn't it bad enough that they split up the marriage? Does she have to be involved with my kids? Ok... sorry... bitterness coming out.

[Penny Lane]

Hi finding me,
Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry for the situation you're in.

To answer your question, no it is not bad that you hope they won't work out. In fact I'd say it's very normal and even to some degree healthy.

But in the long term I think you'll be well served to cultivate something called radical acceptance. It's helped me a lot deal with the shifting, infuriating and often mind boggling PD behaviors. At this point my DH and I have accepted that his PDexW is not going to behave the way we want or in a way that's in the kids' best interests. We do not spend our energy hoping she will do the right thing this time. We spend our energy planning around her shortcomings and arranging things in such a way that her bad behavior doesn't impact our lives (too much).

I think you would benefit from working toward a similar attitude. You have some added frustrations and stress (I'm sure it's really hard to see his affair partner in your kids' lives; fortunately for DH, his ex's affair partner didn't want to stay with her once her marriage was over). But I think you could reach a sort of inner zen where you weren't antagonizing him as you say.

It's a long hard slow healing process, and healing doesn't go in a linear fashion. I wish you well on your journey and I hope to see you come back here to vent/commiserate/seek and share advice.