Lost in this

Started by Gotithalfright, August 03, 2021, 05:40:25 PM

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Gotithalfright

3rd custody battle,  narc is teacher and female.  Guardian, therapist, psychologist, social worker all said kids with dad.  Judge split the kids and let her move to another state 20 hrs away.  Youngest is young teen, the golden child.  Oldest with me and special needs.  I honestly doubt my youngest will want contact after Christmas with the way she twist him.  Don't know what to do at this point.  Narc doesn't even want the oldest.  But torments him with false promises,  did not take time, and smears me...

hhaw

#1
GIHR:

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your children.  It's not fair. I don't know what else to say.... words really do fail in moments like this, IME.

It's so not fair.

Our children are being failed.  Our hands are tie behind our backs.... we aren't able..... NO.  We're being prevented from helping them.  The courts are harming them too.

Sometimes, sometimes, if we waste years documenting and focusing on proving what the PD is doing..... we get to that last courtroom and lay out a case the PD can't deny, IME.

The kids are grown by then, or almost grown. Harm is done.  It's sickening, IME.

It's about mitigating harm, IME.  That's the truth.  Mitigating harm to the kids.

You continue to be the calm, consistent, good enough parent loving your kids through everything, always and forever while the PD sabotages the kids, manufactures chaos, spins plumes of confusion and requires the kids to buy her story OR ELSE.  You know what the OR ELSE is better than I do.  Whatever it is....kids want their parent's love. They want to feel accepted and cared for. 

But you..... you're love is unconditional, likely.  The kids know you're safe to strike out at.... and maybe they will.  Maybe they won't.  I wouldn't assume anything.  I'd try to stay open to good, as well as bad things...if Icould. Sometimes you won't be able to, but forgive yourself.  Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can, as often as you can.  Forgive yourself for everything you feel responsible for. 

You go on being calm and consistent..... trustworthy..... a safe place for your youngest child to land.  A calm haven for your oldest child to grow and grieve his mother..... and hope they both grow strong enough to resist brain washing PD tactics.  You hope  they SEE their mother for what she is, feel compassion for her, but stop the manipulations and chaos.  That's the best possible outcome, IMO.  That they learn from their trauma and grow wiser bc of it, IME.

How can you help your children do that?  Good Therapists are helpful, IME.  Extended family members can help too... sometimes. 

You can insist on your parenting time with your youngest, despite the insanity your expdw will create.  You can remain level headed and do the right thing, even when it doesn't help you in the moment, bc it's the best you can do and that's all you can do.

And that's what you got right now.  Being the best parent you can be.  Modeling sanity and good coping strategies, boundaries, enforcing boundaries for your children.

Finding the joy, despite the chaos, in every moment. THAT is perhaps the finest thing you'll model for your children. 

I hope you find happiness. Create a joyful home, despite the struggles.

THATs how you perevere and overcome, IME.

You refuse to allow your experience to shut you down and shut you off.   

You come up with new family traditions to share and enjoy with your kids.

You find people you enjoy and perhaps love.

A good trauma informed Therapist might be very helpful to you.  SOmeone who practices EMDR.... Raike.....Buddhism, perhaps, bc that means they're doing their own work and will leave out all ego while helping you with yours, IME.  It's more important than you might think, actually.

You and your childern have been failed by every system in place to protect you.  I can't explain it beyond the fact it's almost impossible to overcome those willing to lie, cheat, steal and leverage their children's safety. 

It's that simple for me. 

In my case, enough people stood up and did the right thing and court went on for years and years. 

Afterwards, there was lots of Wilderness Camp, Therapeutic Boarding School and assorted Therapists... my youngest has 3 Therapists right now, but things are going to be OK.

Even if it's not OK, it's going to be OK.  Accept what you can't change. Do what you can.  Put the story on the shelf and find your bliss, bc that's all there is, really.  Focusing on what you have control off is helpful, IME.

Good therapists for the kids and yourself. If I had it to do over again..... good trauma informed therapists, sooner than later, would have been in place for us all. 

Good luck to you and your children.  There are many people on this forum with stories and advice to help you.  They'll walk  you through this.  I hope you have a good support system in real life too.












hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Gotithalfright

Its just a black abiss right now.  The good is my autistic high functioning oldest attends a specialty school and they have trauma training.   He sees what was done in his own age appropriate way.  The school sees it.  Our bond is incredible.   Ex has chosen him to be the scapegoat and youngest to be the golden child and all but ruined their relationship between the two kids and her and the oldest.  I'm betting the youngest will take the place of the scapegoat.   Youngest is a loving, caring, tender child.   I do see him being broken by all this.  Whats worse is if he does eventually see thru all this, not sure I could bring him back at the expense of the oldest.  Its an impossible situation and I'm thinking for the oldest sake I may have to turn my back on youngest and forget.   Thats a pain I can't describe.  I was able to save one...only because he was not wanted by his mother and abandoned.  Her actions show this.  Its like the death of a child as you know them.  I don't have any expectations that the youngest will survive what will be unleashed on him by her.  This is not dramatics, its observations.   It is a total failure of the court. 

hhaw

It is a total failure if the courts.  You're right about that.

You seem dialed into reality and resigned to acceptance, which is so sad yet very helpful to moving through and remaining responsive rather than reactive.  For ourselves and our children, ime.

Trauma therapy will change your perspective, which can feel like....
Having one's nose on a pebble
or
creating enough emotional distance to see the entire field, other rocks, the trees and streams...... it's the same pebble, but with more spaciousness around it, if that makes sense.

Asking the kids what they think about whatever their mother is doing.  Zero judgment.  Pure compassion for their mom, bc we hold sick people with compassion, right?  Then listen to what they say.  I think you do that with your DD.  Maybe you'll be able to do it with your ds one day, bc he'll eventually feel the brunt of his mom's of, likely.....as you say.  Then you'll be the safe place to land.  Kids sometimes speak the truth about the PD if we aren't judging the PD....the kids don't feel defensive.

Youv and been through 3 custody battles.  You seem to understand the abyss well. 

I want you to understand the abyss has an end, even if it's just the shift in perspective creating the light, ime.

You sound like an amazing parent.




hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Penny Lane

Hi and welcome. I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. You've gotten some good advice from hhaw. I just came here to say, when you're in an impossible situation, and you have to choose between bad options (or you have no options) give yourself a lot of grace for less than ideal outcomes. I hope things get easier for you.

cgr68311

I also have S2 and S13 from different relationships, S13 is on the spectrum as well, let me know if I can help