Distraction in my Head

[JustKeepTrying]

In less than eight weeks I am going to full-time in my campervan for an indeterminate period.  Perhaps a very long time if I can make it work.  I have dreamed of it for more than a decade and actively working toward this goal for the past two years.

And now it is just around the corner.

I am comfortable with the unknown.  The realities of toileting; lack of storage; food/cooking; unknown of where I will park that night and all of it.  I have proven to myself that I can work a problem when it arises.  I am getting better - slowly - but better at managing my PTSD anxiety and all the swirling conflicting emotions. 

But here is my last hurdle and while I am working through in my journaling, I want to put it out here to all of you.  Because I know that you will get it while my IRL friends will look at me with scepticism and perhaps even fear. 

Part of my goal on this journey is to find that part - the elusive part that I buried deep after 30 years of living with my OCPDexh.  I just don't know what I want and making decisions outside of this plan is frightening.  I need to find myself again - really leave what I know from the past thirty years and redefine what I like what I don't and what I want.  I feel very empty and bare now and I need to fill it with things that I enjoy - whatever that is.  The only I know in my heart that I enjoy is camping - nature - and travel.  The rest is elusive mist.

But here is what is truly scary for me.  My thoughts.  For the past decade and more I keep my thoughts at bay with constant streaming television and audiobooks.  I sometimes have trouble even reading because the thoughts interfere.  I almost need a completely submersive experience to avoid thoughts.  This has become such a part of my coping system that I carry around my laptop streaming shows so that. don't even have to listen to my thoughts while changing laundry loads.  So how am I going to cope when streaming isn't an option while camping in the woods?

I know the how and why.  When I am quiet and doing stuff around the house, I hear his voice.  Or my mother's or grandmothers.  And they are not kind.  Or my own and then I just fall down the rabbit hole of circling thoughts.  It's occurred less and less since the divorce but that fear is still there.  And while I have such better-coping mechanisms now and my therapist keeps pointing out that half the battle is recognizing it's issue. 


So part of this journey besides filling my life with new experience is to work on this aspect of my life.  Facing those thoughts and creating new neural pathways that don't lead back to my trauma.

I just wanted to put it out there - a public promise to myself  - that I got the realities of life in a campervan as well as the realities of PTSD and trauma.  I got this.

[notrightinthehead]

Well sounds to me like you are making it happen that you need to listen to those unfriendly voices.  Hear exactly what they are saying. Check if there is any truth there.  Speak the other side of their 'reality'. How one could also see things if one were kind and loving to you.  Confront them, reject their accusations and put downs. Set another point of view against theirs. Affirm yourself with kind and loving statements.

[thduda]

justkeeptrying

I so admire you for taking on this adventure.  With all the new experiences, you'll be gaining new perspectives..maybe that will help with the thoughts when they come.

[square]

I'm just amazed at what you've set out to do.

I have the voice, too, and I've drowned it out and stuffed it down for the most part. And have wondered what would happen if I was finally free and had the quiet space, where the voice would speak up.

I really hope the voice will just fade for you after you've uncaged it. That it will show itself to be a poor monster, and then slink away after a bit. I don't have any idea what usually happens in cases like yours.

I do wonder if you should look up methods of mindfulness and pick a few that feel right for you. So you have ways of centering yourself in the quiet, when the voice tries to intrude.

I guess Inner Critic work is called for here, fundamentally. To replace those words with your own, calm, peaceful, affirming messages.

Wishing you serenity.

[pianissimo]

I don't know if this would help in your case, but, I'm not hundred percent comfortable with my thoughts either. For example, while taking a walk outside and enjoying it, something I see reminds me of something else that sends me down to a shame spiral. A solution I came up with recently is to force myself to view the memory objectively by telling myself "and there was that..", or "so that happened too, didn't it". Example, I'm walking down the street, there is a stray dog which reminds me of the dog a friend, whom I fell out with, had, and how I was so stupid to not see her for who she is, and how I was wrong too because I had lovebombed her, and it was unfair for her to be abandoned by me so abruptly...So, there I am in the shame spiral (went there while writing this too!). The healthy part takes charge by saying, "So, there was that.", or saying this brings the healthy part back in the control panel in my head.  The other thing is, most memories are skewed too. I tend to forget the truth of my memories, so the feelings that come with them are a bit baseless, but they prevail because they are strong. Saying "there was that" helps me to remember the truth of the memory and regulate the emotions that come with it.  I must also say that I watch YouTube videos about certain feelings a lot, and hearing kind people's talk about them help with processing the feelings and the memories that come with them a lot.

[Hepatica]

Hi JustKeepTrying,

I think intuitively you know, by your choice of username. Just Keep Trying.

I'm really excited for you because your goal for this trip is something you are doing to actively be kind to yourself and bring yourself joy and peace and adventure. It's so great.

Before the pandemic I did two, six week Mindfulness meditation courses, one specifically on self-compassion. I don't know if you've tried this, but if you haven't it is not hard. It is literally body scanning and taking one breath at a time. If you can get one breath in without your mind wandering and thoughts intruding, start there and see how many more you can add. Some days it's easy. Some days it's hard, even for long time meditators.

Kristen Neff is a great resource and I just listened to an On Being podcast where Krista Tippet talks to Sharon Salzberg. Sharon Salzberg says some interesting things about "visitors" and I think she means thoughts. If a thought comes in, sit with it, and then let it go. Kristen Neff is great at self-compassion education and I think it's been key in how much the negative thoughts for me have decreased. I have actually banned them and spoke back to them and forced them to leave, in defence of myself. I don't know why they come less now. I think it is because of the mindfulness meditation and when a bad thought comes, focussing how it makes me feel and attending to that feeling with loving kindness, the way a good parent would nurture a child.

In my classes my mindfulness teacher would always say, just keep trying. That's why I mention your username. When you add in mindfulness and self-compassion, it's almost like you can shrink the unkind voices. It just takes practice.

Mine seem to slip through only in the night when I wake up. It's like the veil is thinner and they come through. I slow down and breath and just focus on each breath, as if the breath is light coming in and then I let it go. It distracts me from the negative thinking. I don't always accomplish this though, as last night I had to get up and put on the tv. And it's okay. There is no perfection, just trying.