Grey Rock Extreme

[Amadahy]

Hi Everyone,

Two steps forward and three back, some days.      I feel like in order to cope and heal from Nmom's abuse I have utilized the grey rock method pretty well.  I'm as boring as an old sock.  However, I am boring and apathetic in all other areas of my life, too.  Before, I had interests in community work, writing, gardening, and other artsy things.  Now, pffffttt.  Zero interest in anything. 

I realize this could also be due to other life events: Nmom going into long-term care, menopause, empty nest syndrome, freaking covid, and being in flux with my career and currently at a job I detest, to name the biggies. 

Has anyone gone through similar and how did you find your spark again?  I'm getting on my own nerves!  I'd like to find focus and passion again for something. 

Thank you. 

xoxo  Amadahy

[Cascade]

Hi, that's a lot of stuff for anyone to deal with. A lot of people struggle with depression and menopause can certainly contribute. I'm at that age myself and only have one adult child still at home and it's so hard to have them grow up and leave. Way harder than I'd anticipated, so I've been having some bouts of sadness myself lately. Hope you feel better soon and please  get some help from your doctor if it doesn't let up soon.

[notrightinthehead]

I don't have an answer, just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I am in the same boat. The way I understand it for now is, that I am in a process of change. Everything that was has gone to mush. And the new structure is not yet there. Sometimes I feel that I don't even know myself.  I am finding out about myself - what I like and dislike,  very much like a teenager would. And that in my advanced years!  Other times I think, I suffer with depression and should get medication. 
It's good that we can share experiences and progress here.

[raspberryoxygen]

I realize this could also be due to other life events: Nmom going into long-term care, menopause, empty nest syndrome, freaking covid, and being in flux with my career and currently at a job I detest, to name the biggies. 

Um, that's a lot you're going through. It seems understandable that you're down. And it makes sense that it hurts and you want it to be over right now.

I hit a huge depression and loss of motivation once I realized that my mother is BPD, I have nasty, partially unhealable trauma scars, and that my whole life is based on a false self that I need to totally drain of power. I'm still stuck in it. I wonder how someone who knows they aren't bad gets themselves out of bed in the morning. Sometimes saying to myself, "my time is now" helps. As in, I'm not a dependent child and I'm not old and sick.  Being in nature or working with dirt or sand with my hands (being with my kids in the sandbox) helps. I'm learning that this stuff takes time. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Hattie]

It sounds like you sense that going grey rock is contributing to your depression? I use grey rock too, but I do think there is a danger with it that it shuts down your natural emotional expression. If you don't express anger, it can turn inward and cause depression.

Can you go lower contact with your mum? Do you have anywhere to talk about your true feelings, such as with a therapist?