A Birthday Hoover Attempt

[Fortuna]

My mom has never tried real hard to get back into contact. Most attempts are completely see through or just weird. (see-through: cake delivery at the holidays ; weird: She changed one of her banking addresses to mine so I receive her mail now with her name but my address) I knew eventually she would probably move from sending cards and letters to sending postcards, because it's really difficult to not read the message when looking for who it's from. So I got a postcard with a picture of me blowing out candles from before I was old enough to go to school. She laid it on thick with "we're family. We need to mend this. I love you. Please call."  No return address no name on her part. I had to read the darn thing because at first I didn't even recognize the fact it was me on the postcard.

I'm stewing a little. I'd just gotten to the point where I'm not bothering anymore about getting her bank mail, just pitching it, like that was two days ago or so I finally said 'heck with it, let's not put any more energy into this' and dropped it in the trash instead of going to the post office and complaining yet again.  And then this. It's not even like I wasn't expecting it. I knew there's be a card sometime soon for my birthday. I knew she'd probably eventually move to postcards. But I haven't read a single thing she's sent since listening to her first voicemail after I announced no contact. And it's transparent as it gets. Just a regular 'woe is me FaaAaaMiLy' cry around a time I might be sentimental, with a message that doesn't address anything. The thing is she's sentimental around birthdays, I'm not. It's one more piece of evidence that she never sees me as anything but an extension of herself. One more unwanted attempt at contact that fails to meet any sort of minimal threshold to think she's changed. But it won't occur to her to say I'm sorry, I was wrong. It won't occur to her to actually go to therapy like I suggested when I broke contact. And even if she did, I no longer trust her with my mental and emotional health. So I get another piece of evidence in the harassment file and a bonus picture of a young me.

[bloomie]

Fortuna - I had never considered someone switching to postcards so that the message is impossible to ignore! Clever you to have anticipated this step and being forewarned in a way - though still has to be very disconcerting to see little you in a photo celebrating.

When trust is lost as you describe here: "I no longer trust her with my mental and emotional health" and there is no acknowledgement of wrongs done it creates an atmosphere of risk with any kind of contact, I have found.

Yes, often we are just requiring a reasonable level of someone taking responsibility for their choices, reciprocity, and respect in the relationship. Emotional maturity enough to admit they have blown it instead of what smacks of emotional manipulation and 'you can't ignore me' kinds of actions when we have simply pulled away for our own sanity and protection.

How are you doing with this today?

[Fortuna]

Bloomie, thanks for asking. I'm doing good now. I had a grumble grumble  moment when I got it and even thought briefly of burning the darn thing, but I don't have that picture anywhere else so I'll keep the picture and file the postcard to the evidence box. I found the most annoying part was the fact I've avoided reading anything she's sent until now.
Today it's just something to notice that I  still am not quite as detached from her actions as I want to be, but also that they don't affect me as much as they used to. It's disappointing that she's rather be sneaky to try to get me to read something and then not write words with meaning, with remorse, with evidence of change. It's still all about her and what she wants. I almost find it funny that the first words she made sure I would read simply reinforce the fact that she can not change and treat me like my own person.

[bloomie]

Fortuna - big steps forward for you as you process this and leave it in the rearview mirror. Great to keep the pic of you and file the card. I am so glad you are doing good!