Confused/upset by neighbour

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dawnrobin

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Confused/upset by neighbour
« on: August 14, 2021, 04:12:36 PM »
At the beginning of the UK lockdown, back in March last year, I posted a few cards through neighbours doors with my phone number in case they needed help with shopping etc.  Had some nice replies and got friendly with a lady who lives next door but one.
She is 7,I'm 61, but was independent, and we chatted on the phone most days plus had each others house keys in case of emergencies. The relationship seemed to benefit both of us. She can be very engaging and knew a lot of people to say hello to. After quite a short time really she would talk to me about her past and present problems with mental health.
She then gradually started to both try to manipulate eg a shared skip, shared lawnmower, with hints that I do her gardening, and involve me with dramas involving her children. Apologies if some of this sounds petty re the domestic stuff. She had a boyfriend at the time who eventually laid down the law regarding her telling him what to do. He did a lot for her and was volunteered to help other neighbours. They are no longer together.
He had been involved as what I now see as a flying monkey role with her children. He had met the daughter and somehow ended up as a go between. He eventually would just text phone your mum.
It was around that time that the red flags started flying high. She has two children and wrote to her son to try to re establish contact. He wrote a nicely worded letter back to say no. She also claimed that the boyfriend had given her daughter "a piece of his mind" which is difficult to believe. The daughter seems to want a relationship but has been blocked on the phone on and off and P (neighbour) has nothing good to say about her. I find her attitude disturbing now. The daughters main crime seems to revolve around problems she caused between P and her late husband. Both mum and daughter struggle with literacy and daughter has mental health problems so you would think both would be vulnerable. The daughter was sexually abused.
Not sure how many words are left.
P wanted me to sign her will. She wanted neither children to be informed when she died. Said no which at that point was OK with her.
Fairly soon in the relationship she would frequently talk about the day she tried to commit suicide and sometimes say that she was thinking about it. Had crisis phone numbers. She would be fine the next day. She would mimic her daughter's behaviour and they seemed to be in competition with each other. They both lied eg daughter has Covid P needs test. Miles away from each other.
P often ill. Only sticks to arrangements about a quarter of the time. Several dramas with doctors, once over a gnat bite.
Since boyfriend is not on the scene the amount of driving around and general jobs has increased. I've also cooked, bought stuff, sorted mobile, plus data, phoned/visited after foot surgery. Added her to online shops and taken her for non food shops.
She still wants more and more and has started to get nasty if refused.
Things ended when I overslept to give her a lift to go food shopping. She has an army of volunteers which includes shopping so it was an outing. Apologised and she said you go your way and I'll go mine. Then hung up.
Feeling hurt and a bit disturbed tbh

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2021, 06:44:53 PM »
Sounds like you might get an elegant way out with her statement "you go your way and I'll go mine". If you keep a low profile now and are extremely busy you might get lucky and the demands will be made to someone else.  Sounds like you allowed yourself to get roped in,  do  you by any chance have caretaker tendencies?
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2021, 10:34:28 AM »
Typo, she is 71 not 7! I enjoy helping people and gain a sense of purpose plus social interaction from doing so. I'm fairly recently fully retired; loved my job, primary school teacher. I miss working but no longer have the oomph for supply-which is very different from having a class all year.
Also quite lonely in terms of close friends. I have interests but with Covid the amateur orchestras etc stopped.
The Covid challenge for me really was, as I live alone, mostly about staying as sane as possible.
I was choosing when younger between training to be a speech therapist or a teacher. Did some voluntary work with a speech therapist, loved the work with children but thought I would struggle with the darker side eg strokes.
My mother was seriously mentally ill ; paranoid schizophreniaand my dad drank heavily. There was minor sexual abuse. Wanting me to touch him and was wary of him. Told my mum, wasn't told that anything had happened and it wasn't spoken about. They divorced when was 11, about a year later. My mum who had always been the main carer got more and more ill. She still bought food, was a from scratch cook when well, used home grown vegetables from garden, made gooseberry and blackberry jam. There was no real community care,the new buzz word at that time, and we had two visits from community health nurses on average. So it was just me and my younger sister for several years . She still would get up, spent a lot of time in bed, for tea when we returned from school.
In our own ways we left her. I moved to study, my sister had a partner locally, eventually moved out as she wasn't coping with mum. Then got married.
Came home out of term time and to live after qualifying. Mum was barely functioning. Wouldn't eat, several suicide attempts. I would take her pills with me when I went out. She eventually drank weed killer, found the do not touch note on a jug. She died in hospital.
So may need a break but this is why I find threats of suicide hard. My neighbour knows none of this.

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2021, 11:14:16 AM »
Big difference with neighbour in that she actively attacks her daughter.
Claims she is harassed. Truth daughter was invited to visit, bought loads of food online for her mum. Arrived early equals turning up un announced Has neighbour on standby to evict her. Wasn't happy when she tried to help her put food in freezer as not in right place.
Daughter phones. Tried to get around hostility. Says you must love me, you made me. Reply I wish I hadn't. Crying from daughter. Saying boo hoo when I spoke to neighbour. Finds it funny that a birthday card to daughtet is actually stay away from me. Evil bitch

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2021, 11:22:37 AM »
Big difference between struggling to be a good parent, and the way that she behaves.

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2021, 11:41:46 AM »
Didn't witness I wish I hadn't had you conversation but she repeated it. Seemed to be proud

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Bloomie

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2021, 12:55:05 PM »
dawnrobin - Hi and welcome to OOTF. I am really glad you have joined us as you work through what seems to be pretty disturbing observations and experiences with your neighbor.

I agree wholeheartedly with notrightinthehead that this is an elegant way to drop the rope and distance yourself from your neighbor's behaviors that are hurtful to you.

It is painful to have offered kindness and sincere help to another person and believe we are building a friendship with a stable, reasonably reciprocal person only to find things are not what they seem and we are possibly being taken advantage of. I am really sorry this happened.

Is it possible to do some volunteering through an organization, so that you would have built in boundaries that would help you as you meet new people and get involved in serving others?

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moglow

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2021, 02:43:00 PM »
Dawnrobin, it's not really clear to me what's going on here, but it does sound somewhat familiar - my mother being the neighbor who claims an evil daughter. Mother seems to toy with a vulnerable neighbor who tries to help her, petty little attacks and demands just because she can. The neighbor moves mother's garbage can to and from the street, and mother will get mad that the can is "turned the wrong way." Never mind that her neighbor didn't have to move it in the first place, mother attacks. Because that's who she is. Mother has also had her neighbor call me, demanding that I call her cell phone. Never mind that she knows her cell is blocked OR that we spoke earlier in the day. There's no emergency, no reason for the call, just mother thinking she can demand her way. It's a game for her, a power play if you will. She just drags neighbor into it because she thinks she'll get her way if there are witnesses.

What I'm saying is, you can (and for your own sake probably should) step away from her drama. You can say whatever you want to her, she is still going to make her own choices. Your boundaries are your responsibility, not hers. You dont have to choose sides or participate in her fabricated dramas, is what I'm saying.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2021, 05:38:23 AM »
Thanks for the replies. Apologies for the bad language. Tried to edit. She has suddenly finished the relationship so it's over. I need to try to think about something else basically. Just finding that hard at the moment.
I'm sure my name will be mud with the other neighbour who helps her but no repercussions from them. Hoping this continues.
Still have normal more distanced friendship with immediate neighbour (who warned me about her asking him for big favours over a year ago) so that is good.



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notrightinthehead

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2021, 05:50:02 AM »
Yes, it frees you up to find a better place to put your energy. For a while I volunteered in a second hand bookshop that was run by a charity and found this very satisfactory. When I got to know the other volunteers better, I felt I had found my tribe.  Cast your net as wide as possible - I wish you success!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2021, 02:26:31 PM »
Just had a phone message from her about the mobile phone I bought her online. Said it had stopped working. I put together two home made receipts at the time which had date, received from, product, cost. We both signed. Not sure how legally binding they are tbh. Her neighbour had apparently said phone was my responsibility; possibly is as shop invoice is in my name? She didn't want to look at phone and now has a husband back from hospital following back surgery so very busy.
Said last time we spoke you said you wanted nothing to do with me and thought she might be phoning to apologise. Her reply I don't want anything to do with you. And I'm not apologising.  Then when mentioned receipt. Why are you talking about the past and suggested moving forward. Said that I'd been very upset by her behaviour and things could not return to how they were ie, in head her servant really.
Fixed the phone fairly quickly, it had gone into some kind of sleep mode involving holding power button down for ages, to avoid further hassle. Didn't really have a conversation. What's the point?
Said feel free to phone if there was an emergency. Wished her well with her upcoming hospital appointment.
Plus that I didn't want any unpleasantness if I saw her on the street. She agreed. Massive relief there tbh.
Find the aquarium theory usually works for me. Ie dust settles to the bottom. Rarely usually think about the more painful aspects of my past. But I think this increasingly disturbing, bad relationship muddied the waters.
Need some light. Bizarrely had a power cut at my rehearsal on Monday so finished early! Great to be there though.

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moglow

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2021, 04:04:23 PM »
Dawnrobin, I'm not sure I understand who said what to whom. It does appear though that your neighbor was fairly specific with "I don't want anything to do with you..." What she says or does with others isn't yours to manage or concern yourself over but I would most assuredly respect her wishes. Then if she comes to you for help at some point, decide if you're able to extend the help she needs and at what level, if at all.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2021, 04:52:40 PM »
I was worried about being held liable for the phone.

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2021, 04:56:37 PM »
Plus wanted to try to smooth things over incase we bumped into each other. The from her just nastiness from her just confirmed what I thought tbh.

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2021, 05:08:16 PM »
Sorry typo Nastiness from her. Bit gobsmacked that buying her the phone plus showing her how to use it was a favour. And she is now unpleasant when she has dumped me and wants the money back when she can't work out how to use it.

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dawnrobin

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Re: Confused/upset by neighbour
« Reply #15 on: August 17, 2021, 05:22:05 PM »
She wanted the phone for online dating. Set up and wrote the profile with her. She wanted to use my laptop which I wasn't willing to do.
She then sent some v saucy messages with invites to her home address and somehow thought  I'd protect her. Didn't realise she'd be using the site that way
I'm glad to be out of this. Just amazed at how insane the whole situation was getting.