FIGHT OR FLIGHT

[anton]

I have been the target for sibling narcissistic abuse for just over 60 years. Both my parents also suffered at my sister's hands, my mother whilst dying of oesophageal cancer; even in infancy they were fearful of disciplining her. The difficulty with a sibling is that you cannot easily run like the wind from them which is often the advice given to narcissists' victims, certainly not whilst in childhood. In adulthood it remains a tricky proposition unless the victim is prepared to construct a life away from the whole family and that may well not be desired or sensible. Therefore, the downside is that the whole family continues to pander to the Narcissist's rage and so some form of compromise ends up being found that will allow the family to meet on high days and holidays while also minimising the Narcissist's damage.

But how to stand up to a narcissist if that seems vital and essential for the health of all, or perhaps just for you? My theory: Do not wait until a single situation becomes so intolerable that you stand firm in an off-the-cuff moment and in privacy between the two of you. Make the decision early and calmly. Wait until the day arrives when it is another family member who is being abused and there is as large an audience as possible. Then quietly and calmly, but with ruthless strength of character, stand up not just for that person but for the whole family.

There is a health warning here. There will be floods of narcissistic tears and a fire storm of rage and so do not expect other family members to step in on your side - they will be terrified at what you are doing. But you might just win the day. But it is only one day. The Narcissist will then go to extraordinary lengths over ensuing weeks, months and years, to change the narrative, not to the whole group together but one-by-one. The chances are that you will still end up the bully and the Narcissist the victim. I would love to hear from someone who has actually achieved this. Celebrities, bringing an abuser to book in a court of law covered by mainstream press, have shown it to be possible.

Another response for the victim to consider is to make repeated offers of reconciliation in the presence of a disinterested third party. The Narcissist will refuse and continue to refuse to their grave. But it is important that other family members know who is trying to reconcile and who is refusing. It is one of the few reliable measures, for peripheral observers, that define who is the bully and who is the victim. Ultimate victory will probably remain elusive but there will be a few, perhaps more than a few, who will recognise the victim's truth and have the courage to offer sympathy and support.

Meanwhile my wife, daughter, and I remain disinherited, exiled, and excommunicated from the family for having dared to say the unsayable. There's no template to teach you how to be an exile. It is a living death, if you allow it to be. Retain your small core of loving, courageous friends.

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

Welcome. You are not alone.

Thank you for your post. You've explained what many of us have had to cope with. It is only two and a half years ago that I stopped contact with my uBPD/NPD sister, since after our mother passed away.

I say that I don't want to see her ever again but if she visited pleading for help and I let her in she would love bomb me into submission. I don't know how strong I would be not to let her back into my life. She can be so joyful, loving and kind when she chooses to be. At other times she is shouting and screaming and threating to harm herself if she doesn't get her way. I never knew what mood she would ever be in.

I've been so used to her abuse for decades. I didn't even recognise it as abuse for a long time.

I feel that I need constant support and validation of my actions. She still rages at me in my mind. I feel like a tiny child, frightened and scared. I am a grown adult.

I have dared to put in a boundary and stick to it. I am proud of myself for doing so. I didn't have a confrontational conversation with her where I spoke my truth I just stopped taking her calls and she thankfully stopped calling and visiting me. It had been a one way relationship for a long time. I only contacted her with information about our mother's health.

I still feel anxious and get triggered frequently. I am living with depression and probably CPTSD because of all the trauma I have experienced. I live with anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance all the time.

I have other supportive siblings that have had firm boundaries with her for a long time. I was the peace maker with them putting forwards my sister's viewpoint. But I realised that I was only abusing them by proxy so I stopped that. They are entitled to their feelings and boundaries. They are entitled to live a peaceful life.

My sister has alienated everyone in the family. She can't see that. She blames everyone else for her abusive behaviour.

I realise now that she's never going to change. I had hope that she would. I have to accept that she won't. That's been difficult. I've done so much to help her in the past. We all have in the family.

She would probably bring me to tears if I had contact with her again. She knows exactly how to push all my buttons. She would tell me about her serious life threatening illnesses and how financially poor she is. I used to give her money when she needed it to survive. She said she couldn't afford to feed herself.

I wouldn't ever confront her about her behaviour because from being a teenager she has threatened suicide and had so many emotional breakdowns. The subtext was always that if we criticised her or upset her in any way she would threaten to harm herself so that was her power and control over us. She used her loud voice as a weapon. She would rage for hours.

Threatening suicide is abuse.

I felt I had to maintain contact with her because of her children and husband. I wanted to be around to help support them.

I have support for myself for many years after seeking out mental health carers support groups. They are my main source of support, apart from this forum. I will probably need support for the rest of my life and I'm OK with that. Other people don't really understand what we have all experienced unless they have experienced it all themselves.

I am getting triggered relating all the trauma I have experienced for decades. However, it is good for me to communicate with others. For a long time I was isolated and had no one to talk to. I didn't understand what was going on and my part in it.

The more we educate ourselves about personality disorders and abuse the more we are able to understand and cope. We need to keep working on building our self esteem.

I could go on and on and frequently do. I need to keep telling my story, as we all do.


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[NarcKiddo]

In my experience you cannot fight effective battles for anyone other than yourself and your minor children when you are dealing with a PD person in the close family. You might be able to stand up for others in a work situation or where some more distant cousin is causing trouble. But where parents, grandparents and siblings are concerned I think there is too much scope for triangulation. Even in the example you give of your sister causing the problems, your parents had a part in it from her infancy as you have told us. It may have been an unwitting or unwilling part, sure, but family dynamics play out over years.

My mother is uNPD. So was her mother. I'm not sure what my father is, but there's something up with him. I think my younger sister is uNPD. Even if she is not, it has become clear over the years that she cannot fight any battles for me and I cannot fight any battles for her. Because I am not prepared to go NC of my own volition I grey rock unless an issue comes up where I must win. Then I fight the battle and so far I have won each one (not emotionally but the thing I insisted on happening happened). Those battles are the ones where I am actually prepared to go NC over the issue and although I have never, ever threatened it out loud I think my mother must sense something.

In our wider family there is no scope whatever of letting them see the truth of what is going on. They are either uninterested in anything to do with the PD, or are aware the PD is dangerous and think the close family are flying monkeys, or they believe and/or want to believe the PD's version of the situation.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You said you would like to hear from someone who has achieved the condition you describe, and I guess I would like that as well. In my mind I have played out a similar scenario. I think it would be so satisfying.

I think we all handle things in the way that feels best to us. Whatever you decide is OK. I went NC with my sibling four years ago. VVVLC with parents. Things had gotten so bad gradually that all it took was one more group triangulation, with sibling and parents all against me, and I just physically stood up and walked out. No argument, no grand gestures or speech. I just left. There was nobody else involved that I got to bring with me or save. Nobody else saw it, and nobody supported me or cheered me on. They still haven't.
   
I feel like I have seen my sister's kids and other individuals be victimized by my family for years, but they do not seem to recognize any dysfunction. I sort of assume they just do not want to see it. Ultimately, I felt like I had to save myself. Conditions under which it happened are not the things anyone would write a movie about, but the resulting changes in my life have been better than I ever dreamed.